Uneven long-term friendship - help!

[Lululalalala]

I have name changed for this, looking for unbiased advice.

I have a friend of 25 plus years. The friendship has evolved over the years and we first became close when her first husband cheated on her and I supported her through her divorce and a major house move to another county.

She was single for a good few years and had a number of relationships with quite selfish types including a married man who strung her along for 6 years. Then she met her second husband and has been happily married for the last ten years which I am very happy for her about.

When she was single I saw a lot of her. She would regularly come down to stay weekends with me and was invited to most of my other friends events including trips abroad. To be honest it became a bit much at times as she's very much an extrovert and I was married with a small child and felt a bit worn down with constantly having to be 'on' around her. I have also supported her a lot through her mother's death and her father's subsequent need to go into care.

When she met her second husband I was splitting up with mine and going through a divorce. The support was not the same level as I had given her. I didn't expect her to drop everything but since her remarriage it has become more noticeable of the differences in our approach to friendship. I have not been included in events with her other friends and rarely if ever been invited to stay at her house.

I now have a new partner and I am very settled. He gets on very well with her and her husband but it has become clear that it is expected that they come to stay with us but do not offer in return which has started to bug me. We offered to come and stay her way at a hotel for the weekend which she was fine with but it didn't happen because of Covid.

She is now muting about meeting up soon. How do I even up the friendship with regards to this? I don't feel comfortable inviting myself to stay at hers but am confused why she doesn't share the load. She does have a smaller house than ours but does also invite other people to hers. In hindsight I think I was much too obliging to her.

What does she say when you moot staying at hers? Can you not just use the same lines back at her? Or just say it's not convenient for them to stay (you don't need a reason, esp if she never gives any) but say you'd like to see them and suggest some hotels nearby. Definitely don't have her over as it's grating on you and will only get worse, but if you do want to stay friends, just even things up from your side and don't do any more than you're comfortable with. As for the past, it could be bad timing (i.e. if she'd been single when you were splitting up, that might've worked out better) or she could just be a less giving person - and equally you might get more out of being supportive so it's not completely one-sided if you bonded over helping her through her dramas. It doesn't sound like you want to drop her completely, so just draw a line and be less obliging from now on. It'll be interesting to see if she still makes an effort when you treat her like she treats you.

Thank you. I have decided to not offer up our house as a meeting place to see where it goes from here. I was quite disappointed that she didn't offer for us to stay at hers when we booked the hotel near her. I would have done. It just doesn't seem to occur to her.

I think I have realised she is not as giving which I have put down to her being an only child. She does naturally seem to expect to be put first whether it's the best seat in a restaurant or always having the window seat on a flight. We had a few years where she would book herself to stay with me on her birthday and be spoilt by me accordingly and then she would forget my birthday the next month, even though it was the day after her married boyfriend. She'd make up for it when she realised but always late.

I suppose I am looking for tips on how to reorganise the boundaries without destroying the friendship. I do take responsibility for being too obliging which has perhaps led to ongoing expectations.

Hi OP, just wanted to jump in and say that your friend is self absorbed but not because she's an only child. I'm one and a lot of my friends too, and this is definitely not common behaviour for us - only children can be considerate and thoughtful too! She is just that way because of her own personality.

I think maybe start withdrawing a bit and let her come to you, offer meets ups etc. If she suggests coming to you, say that actually you'd like a change of scene so maybe you can go to her - long term friend can absolutely suggest this without awkwardness especially since you host her.

Unfortunately you can't make her more thoughtful, so just accept that as her quirk and don't expect any different. Focus on the other parts of the friendship you like, and be more direct in just telling her what you'd like her to do. Sometimes it's good to remember that friends can't cover all our needs of a friendship, so it's ok to just lean on them for the stuff they are good at.

For e.g I have a long term friend who is rubbish at offering emotional support, but organises fantastic social activities. So I don't ever rely on her to be a shoulder to cry on, and don't do it for her either (I just adopt the same 'there there' policy she does with me, thought with others I'm much more supportive), but we always have a great time when we go out as she's lovely company. I know her limits and accept the friendship for what it is.

Thanks @wanadu2022, apologies I didn't mean to label all only children as selfish. My child is an only child and I can see that she is used to being put first in some of her behaviours, same as my friend.

I do think my friend can be self absorbed but she likes to see herself as a carer and is always telling me about things she has done for other people although I don't see it towards me sometimes. I think you are right about friendships and suspect she sees me as her supporter. I'm just not sure why it's not reciprocated. I also have an underlying fear that the friendship may wither if I try to redraw roles. How do you stop being the giver and the other person the taker?

Something else that has occurred to me is that there have been a few occasions when she's looked for sympathy about something that has happened to her and asked me to ring her. We communicate by text a lot. When I do, she doesn't seem upset, and it's as if nothings happened. Why?

OP,

You have to stop being afraid of loosing a friend like this.

What's the point of a friendship if it is solely based on what you do for her.

Great advice from @wanadu2022

Step back from making contact but be pleasant when she makes an effort.

Do NOT invite her to stay at yours ever again if she does not invite you.

Stop with the bending over backwards for her.
Personally I think you are making little of yourself by doing so.

Have some self respect.

She is self absorbed but you can still be friends, just give back EXACTLY what she gives out.
Then there is no issue.

Also take time to reflect on your boundaries.
It's not good for anyone to have such one sided relationships IMO.

Balance is important for self esteem.

I agree with you wholeheartedly @billy1966. I do feel I need to step back, just wondering where it will lead and there is the years invested thing, just like a romantic relationship. The most disappointing thing is I didn't notice until very recently how one-sided it was which sounds mad but true. I am almost fascinated by seeing her with different eyes. She is far enough away not to make much difference day to day but I would like to sort out the wanting to meet up thing.

I think I will ask her what she suggests when she rings and veto coming to my house. If she doesn't invite us, then we can decide whether to make the effort to visit her in a hotel or not.

When the scales fall from your eyes, they fall from your eyes!

Read up on "Sunken cost fallacy" to help you reflect on the length of the relationship and how little that actual means if the relationship isn't working.

If someone was being badly treated in a marriage and was deeply unhappy, would you tell them stay in it just because of longevity?
Most people wouldn't.

We stay in relationships with people because we care for them and feel valued by them.
If we don't feel those emotions there is an actual relationship just shared history.

You should reflect on how you felt after all the effort you made for her birthday and she never acknowledged yours.

Most people would have been wary after that.
Think about how you felt and why you would think so little of yourself and go back for more.

You sound like a really lovely woman who should look after herself and put effort into relationships that value you equally.

Thank you for the compliment.

I have come to realise that I am worth much more, hence my questioning of this relationship and trying to reorganise it to be fairer. Might work, might not. It's not been all bad, she does have good points which makes cutting her off harder but the letting us stay in the local hotel thing was an eye opener for me. I wouldn't expect her to pay out to see me.

Ironically it has been easier with her since she met husband number two as I was the go-to for any spare weekends and it was exhausting at times.

I will see what comes of the intended meet up if I say no to our house.

I think you need to be a bit more direct. Ask if you can stay at he's if that's what you want to do, if she says no then you have an answer.
We always welcome visitors but if someone had booked a hotel I'd assume that's because they preferred staying in one. I know I do ( maybe it's because I'm an only child ).

Something to add is she talks the talk all the time. Sees me as her best friend and aunt to my daughter. It's very confusing when the talk doesn't match the actions ie she constantly points out what a caring, sharing person she is. Bizarre to be honest!

@rookiemere, as fickle as it sounds staying in the hotel did seem attractive at the time because it would be more comfortable and a treat. It's the expectation that all visits are at mine that grates like we're a holiday destination. They live in a very nice part of the country.

I'm a middle child people pleaser so working on my assertiveness!

I had a friend like this for 20 + years. I'm more of an introvert and listener and she was more of the talker.. and the taker so it seems. Like you I didn't realise how unbalanced our friendship had become for a long long time. I almost became her counsellor through her divorce it was very draining, but i've also had two long term relationship break ups she was barely around to talk for. The bottom line was that she became thoughtless and unable to apologise and it seemed she only wanted me when she needed me so she could 'offload' to me (as this is what best friends do - fair enough) but it does work both ways. In the end I got so angry with her that we ended up falling out over something pretty minor in the scheme of things. I just got fed up of her attitude and felt she was taking me for granted, so I ended it.

Also remember that when someone is constantly 'pointing out how caring and sharing' they are it's usually said as an alibi to their behaviour. Anyone who was genuinely like this wouldn't feel the need to point it out otherwise, would they. Go with your gut OP and don't feel guilty about ending the friendship if you need to.. Good luck

I had a friend just like this, my version was that I was always there for her but when I needed support it was a lot less contact. After 25 years I've now seen how I am only valued for what I can do for them but not for the social side. She has other friends she prefers for that. I'm now only replying when she makes contact and not expecting anything from her. Although it's hard to put up boundaries it's better to value yourself

@wobblywinelover, I totally agree that those that can do, those that can't talk about it. It's a bit brain washing to listen to it.

My resentment isn't such that I want to completely dump her but I do want to even it up if possible. I take responsible for my part in giving too freely and sometimes when I should have said no. I have contributed to her expectations in that way.

Sorry that you got to that stage. I've had a couple of friendships like that, that I've walked away from.

@Theluggagerules, I think you have something there. She doesn't seem interested in including me in her social life up there but periodically invites herself for visits here. She does the same with another couple who are in another county. Perhaps they see it as a break from normal life.

When she was single I included her in literally everything I was doing. She goes away for an annual weekend away with her friends and I receive regular updates and pictures on all the fun they're having. Never been invited.

What are she and her husband like as house guests, OP? Do they arrive empty-handed and expect to be cooked for every day etc?

No they usually bring a bottle of wine and flowers but of course it costs us something to entertain them as they like a drink and I usually provide evening meals and big breakfast. We also ferry around for trips out but share restaurant bills. I don't mind that at all. I want them to feel welcome. I just don't understand why it's so one way.

It's one way because she doesn't value you enough to make the effort to have you as a house guest.

That is all.

You're not worthy of the effort nor the expense.

She'll do it for others. Not for you.

I would actually not bother with this person anymore.

I suspect it may be the expense and effort of entertaining us may be, who knows. She does make the effort to keep in contact though. Perhaps that is for the benefit of weekends away from home. I would hope she's not that ruthless.

I will test this friendship by refusing ours for the next meet up. See what happens. I need to do something about this as it is a bit unhealthy for me.

Thank you everyone for your insights. It's good to get outside views.

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

It's one way because she doesn't value you enough to make the effort to have you as a house guest.

That is all.

You're not worthy of the effort nor the expense.

She'll do it for others. Not for you.

I would actually not bother with this person anymore.

It reallynis this simple.

People look for depth of meaning..there isn't any.

She likes you OP
You are useful and importantly undemanding.
You give give and expect nothing.
Perfect victim for a user.

You have never expected to be treated in return so you are the perfect friend of a user.

It really is that simple🤷🏻‍♀️

Hi everyone,

I have slept on this and I think you are all correct. She doesn't value the friendship as much as me now she's married. I think I was very useful to her when single and useful as the odd weekend away now she's married. I am undemanding, you are correct although I have got much better at saying no to other people as it has cost me in the past. Unfortunately this one sees me as her 'best friend' and I have been sucked into that role which doesn't really exist.

It doesn't feel very good and I will take action. She absolutely won't be getting an invite to my house again. She does put a good public show about who she is but ultimately she is a user. Time to move on!

Thank you again everyone. MN is very useful for objectivity.

Good for you.

Being too busy is the best revenge for a user.

No drama, no upset, just too busy doing other stuff.

If she asks for dates that work, just never get back to her.
Tell her you will get back to herbut never do and fade from calls etc.

Focus on happy memories with your husband.

Good for you.

Quietly fade away from view. No drama.

She might say your her best friend but I think she'll say that to a few people. It's meaningless.

Users are really good at saying things that make you think your friendship is special. And it is special to them. They get exactly what they want.

I have one of these. Never ever did she have us over unless it was to be crowd fillers at big birthday parties and even then she wouldn't even bother chatting to us.

Always posting on social media events with other people etc. It was clear, that despite her words that I'm a lovely and dear friend (I am!), I was simply there to be used and not valued.

No more.

Stick at it op. She's a user.