Promoting a positive image of the absent parent. Can someone explain this.

[Fightingback16]

Cafcass have said to me that I must (well everyone must) promote a positive image of the absent parent. In his case an extremely abusive parent who they haven’t seen for 2 years.

So do they want me to lie? Obviously I have never bad mouthed him but I’ve also never said positive things about him. She simply knows that daddy needs support to make sure she is safe and that it is at a court. Anything I say positive would be a lie and I don’t want to lie to her.

Aww, we can’t have kids thinking badly of the poor men folk 🙄
I don’t think you should lie to them, it sounds like you’ve handled it fine up to now?

Daddy loves you but is not able to be a proper daddy. Any questions after that to be the truth age appropriately

Nope never ever lied to my DC about their abusive father.

IME those who do lie about the absent parent, then end up with kids going off the rails believing their perfect amazing dad has been kept away from them despite desperately wanting to be there for them.

Putting an absent parent on a pedestal for your DC will cost you your relationship with your child.

I don’t bad mouth ex, but I’ve always been honest and open about his abuse.
He was also abusive to them and altho I left when they were very young, they still have memories. And my lying would gas light them and make them feel they’re mad or aren’t remembering correctly.

Sod that for a game of soldiers.

'Some people are mean. We should not keep mean people in our lives'.

I wish to goodness I had been told that as a child rather than crap about how we should try to see things from the bullies perspective, give second chances ect...

Theres no need to go into details about what daddy did but you can take the opportunity to show her that cruel behaviour should not be tolerated. I wouldnt bother saying he needs help either as that basically equates abuse to mental illness and it is not.

Simply 'kid, some people are mean and that's their issue to resolve. But they can resolve it (or not) as far away from us as possible. Because we deserve to have good, kind people in our lives. Not people being bullies'.

I don’t tell them daddy loves them either. As I know it’s not actually true. He’s taken every opportunity to be horrible to my poor kids.

Tell CAFCASS you are keeping your relationship with your children honest and do not want to negate their feelings by lying to them. Your listening to your DC’s feelings and points of view and being honest about him to them in an age appropriate manner. You are not bad mouthing him but you will not put him up on a pedestal by lying and gas lighting your child either.

CAFCASS is so hit and miss, you can get amazing CAFCASS officers or a totally shit one, which is terrifying as they have so much influence in court.

I do not really say anything about the abuse but she does know he shouted at me and I tell her that it made mummy sad. Then I try and teach her that when you shout and hurt people that person might get sad and you mustn’t do that.

Children have more intelligence to see things than we realise - we teach our children not to speak to strangers, to tell the truth, danger awareness - we maternally want to keep them away from danger so why big up the father if they have been abusive/don't pay maintenance, run away from their responsibilities
I went through the courts and was told not to bad mouth the father ( he abused me and the next woman he had a child with ) now my daughter is 16 ... can see what a monster her father is .... she is asking why I did not protect her more