Found lump.. expectations after 9 months

[dahia]

Just that. Found lump in my groin. Getting investigations done soon
Together 9 months . See each other eow , blissful and easy. No intertwining of kids/ finances but serious and committed
. I've made light of it but inside I'm scared . He has been kind, thoughtful and concerned .
What would your expectations be ,of him?

I wouldn't have any expectations beyond him being kind and thoughtful I don't think.

Thanks

Sorry to hear this.

What would YOU like?

Everyone's needs are different. Would you like someone with you at appointments? Or prefer a friend? Do you want a check-in every day? Shopping done for you? Meal cooked? To never speak of it and have someone make you laugh and take your mind off it? Or to have someone listen while you fret and worry?

I think at this stage you may not know each other well enough to intuitively do the right thing so may need to think about what you would like and then ask.

9 months of eow is not long so I wouldn't expect much much other than empathy and concern, maybe understanding of you don't quite act like yourself at times.

Hmmm. They are great question thanks .
I want someone to know intuitively to know when to ring/ call/ ask but not too much. I'm
Conflicted in that I believe it to be benign but maybe I am being naive.
He never offered to come with me but I want my closest friend with me yet he sends supportive messages and rang me straight away . It's like I want him
To offer to be there unreservedly but he is of the opinion that we will
Cross each bridge as they come .

I think your expectations of wanting someone to intuitively know when to call and to offer to be there unreservedly after 9 months are a bit high.

I'm quite pragmatic about these things and my first thoughts would not be what I expected of him in terms of support but for him in terms of this is potentially a big commitment for someone you have seen EOW for 9 months. I'm not sure I'd want someone to feel that they needed to make that kind of commitment to me. I want someone to be with me because they want to, not because they feel they need to.

I'm sorry to hear about this and I hope you're right and it is benign but I think his level of input is appropriate for the nature of your relationship and, depending on the outcome of investigations, I'd be having another conversation with him then.

The only expectation I ever have of anyone is honesty.

he is of the opinion that we will cross each bridge as they come .

I think he is right. And it sounds like he is also aware that there might eventually be a bridge he doesn't want to cross.

Have you already seen your GP and are now being referred on? I’d expect him to listen and support you emotionally, but beyond that I’m not sure what he can do at the moment?

I doubt anyone will be allowed to go to the appointment with you tbh.

I think kind and concerned with a view of crossing bridges when they come is the right thing, especially after 9 months of semi regular contact, it's not loads although I don't think I'd expect much different after much more. I'm not sure what else there is to be done. If you want him to go with you to things or have a need not being met just ask though as everyone will have different ideas of this and he can't know unless you tell him.

As above though he probably won't be allowed to actually come in to appointments with you anyway but you could always ask him to drive you

I think you're possibly a bit stressed and worried about this (understandably) and it is manifesting itself as a bit of annoyance at your DP? I'm only saying this because my DH is like a my rock, I lash out at him when I'm stressed, he calmly weathers it and when I've worked out what's stressing me we deal with it.

As for intuitevly knowing, whilst I agree you need to feel like you're on the same wavelength, no one is a mind reader. If you want something, ask for it. Clear communication is key.

Sending positive thoughts for you OP

I spent nearly 2 years with a man who had a major and debilitating stroke after we’d had just one date. It was a massive mistake. I’ve been with my current partner for 5 years and we spend 4 out of 7 night together, no shared finances etc and it’s only now that I feel I’m in it for better or worse.