Jekyll and Hyde

[HardBoiledEggandNuts]

Hello all..

My DH is Jekyll and Hyde. Literally.

Anyone else in a marriage like this?

Fuck it's been a long time. Sometimes I question is it abuse. The next he could not be any nicer.

I have mental health issues as well. I'm
sure this adds to it.

Please can anyone advise ..

I used to be in a relationship like that. I called him Name1 and Name2. It isn't normal. I didn't realise he was abusive until after I left, all I knew was I miserable and my MH was never going to get better living with someone like that.

Are you looking to leave? What's your current circumstances r.e finances, children etc?

The constant push pull dynamics of the nice and nasty cycle.

Utterly exhausting.
Of couse it's abuse.

Yes this is abusive. No one should be treated like this.

This is no way to live.

Even during the “nice” periods you are preoccupied, hyper-vigilant and anxiously walking on eggshells waiting for him to flip.

Draining and exhausting.

Not sustainable.

Grey rock method. When he's being an asshole, don't:

Defend
Engage
Explain
Personalise

Basically get away from the conversation as quickly and calmly as possible.

My dad is like this and I currently live with him. It's an utter head fuck at times. I never know when he's going to blow or why he's going to blow, but the simplest of discussions can turn into the biggest of arguments unless I use DEEP.

Let me guess, he doesn't treat anyone else horribly the way he treats you. Of course it's abuse. Run for your life.

Thank you for your replies.

It's always been this way.

Such a complete head fuck. It really is

Of couse it has and it will never change.
It will only get worse.

By the way, he knows he is doing it.

It's a horrific way to live. Upsetting, nerve wracking even terrifying.

And nobody deserves it.

It's not normal. It's abusive.

• I have mental health issues as well. I'm sure this adds to it.*

Yes it does. MH is precious and fragile - it can be eroded progressively sometimes leaving you incapacitated and it’s a long way back.

Are there children in this dynamic - because they will be negatively impacted as well.

What support and options do you have in RL?

You might find your mental health improves if you leave the relationship.

@category12

You might find your mental health improves if you leave the relationship.

You probably WILL find your mental health improves if you leave the relationship

Please take care of your mental health, it's so important op

Horrific. Perhaps because its already got to the stage where you do not even know its abuse.

It IS a head fuck. You are in the FOG. Fear. Obligation. Guilt. You are not mad or unbalanced but you are displaying the classic symptoms of abuse.

I guarantee the minute you are no longer living with him, your symptoms will improve.

To add, grey rock doesn't work. He doesn't know he's doing it. This kind of behaviour, black/white is highly indicative of what he is.

He will never change.

I'm so sorry. I know that deep down you wish you can change him but he won't. Make this your day that you plan your Get Out Stay Out. You are worth far more than this.

[Flowers]
.

@Sssloou

* I have mental health issues as well. I'm sure this adds to it.*

Yes it does. MH is precious and fragile - it can be eroded progressively sometimes leaving you incapacitated and it’s a long way back.

Are there children in this dynamic - because they will be negatively impacted as well.

What support and options do you have in RL?

Anxiety disorder. Depression.

Two children and v little RL support

What happens when he changes? Is he angry towards you?

Of course you have little RL support.

Many living with this kind of abuse are too worn out to pander to others, you are busy accomodating his moods and needs.
You also get to the point where you cannot fake your unhappiness so it's easier not to see others, and you have gone past the point in complaining about him and gaining support from outside help because the complaints would be endless.

You probably feel embarrased that you put up with this kind of treatment as well, thinking you should have more self esteem as to put up with it.
Well he has ground you down, you are definitly not alone in how you have been treated but what you can do is acknowldege that this is happening to you...

And it is not your fault.

And it will take a long time to get over this insiduous type of abuse that has made you feel that everyday is a battle.
I bet you are absolutely exhausted, there are many that do not understand that your life has been an uphill struggle just to exist, he must make your relationship feel like a competition to win all the time.

There are no medals at the end of this, you will never be thanked for all you have been through.
He doesn't appreciate you and never will.
Now have a think about not living with a bully.
Can you even begin to imagine that, don't let him take your dreams away.

Your voice is quiet, make it louder, we are listening to you.

Take care x

THIS^^

Very well stated.

Oh my goodness.

Thank you all for your kindness and your replies.

My feelings are real. They exist and they are valid.

I even feel a bitch for posting on here. Like I am some sort of deceitful wife.

When he is lovely , he is wonderful. But jeez the moods and the rages and the shouting and the name calling when it's not good.

It's only words but they hurt. So
Much.

Now I have to write things down so that I k so it happened. My mind has blocked it out.

Your feelings are very valid, you are existing in a world in which he created.

Your eyes have been opened.
Hold onto that thought.

"When he is lovely , he is wonderful. But jeez the moods and the rages and the shouting and the name calling when it's not good".

That is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse he is showing you and that is a continuous one. Abuse as well is not solely physical in nature and his words are designed deliberately to hurt.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

I would bet money your MH issues are hugely exacerbated by his behaviour if not outright caused by it.

Keep those writings safe. I kept mine because I remembered so little. Every day existed in its own bubble just glad I made it through but when I started reading it back I realised it was constant. I still have them and sometimes read them just to remind myself of how free I am now. I hope one day you will be free too.

If you don’t want your DC to be incapacitated with the same chronic MH issues that you have anxiety and depression and/or to find themselves in such an oppressive abusive RS when they are adults - then you need to find a way out.

You will find support to incrementally move you through this safely once you have the motivation that you want to give your DC a calm and peaceful home where kindness and respect to each other all day every day is the norm.

No one deserves anything less.

The nasty behaviour may appear irrational (and it is) but for him there will be a trigger. If his ego is bruised, if he feels slighted,if he isn't getting admiration,if he feels he is losing control over you or dc.

Partners of narcissists, especially covert or vulnerable narcissists feel exactly the way you do. Anxiety, insomnia, strange health conditions and depression are common.

Can you give a recent scenario as an example?

Hope you're ok op.

x