What's going on here?

[Jackofallsorts]

I was going to post on sex forum but thought I'd leave it here. I also know this topic has been done to death but here's another one...
My partner shows little interest in intimacy. Let's leave sex to the side for the moment. I'm talking intimacy.
12 years of marriage and we've actually never even had a frank conversation about likes and dislikes. I genuinely don't know what there turn on is and what turns them off. I've never been asked either.
Weeks can go by without so much as a hand touch.
It can be months.
Then we'll talk, blame with be exchanged, promises to be different.
All falls apart a few weeks later.
Never gets mentioned until something forces the issue.
This is no way to live.
Is this a libido problem? Are some people just hard wired to not want an orgasm?
I'm very fed up and confused.

I think you need ro ask yourself why you married someone you are so incompatible with.

Maybe that's the answer.

Have you actually instigated a Frank conversation about intimacy? Asked her directly?

Not sure why you are assuming my partner is a Woman but it doesn't matter really.

Whenever it's talked about it's only in general terms. Never specifics. Promises to be more intimate. Promises to never let it go longer than a week without sex.
And then back to square one soon after.

I could just about cope without sex, if there was lots of cuddles and intimatecy, kissing touches etc

I think a proper conversation about whether they even want to be in the relationship.

I don't doubt they want to be in the relationship. It's very clear they do.

Maybe they are having sex with someone else.

I know they are not.

Well maybe the likes or dislikes conversation should be more general, not just sex.

Do they like you ?

Would you consider counselling, it may help get you both talking frankly and a way to move past this.

I don't doubt that they like me and even love me

I would go to counselling but I struggle to think they would get anything out of it
I could be wrong and of course would try

You don't wish to state whether you are male or female, your perogative, but the the reasons for women not wanting sex are usually different to why men don't want sex.

Maybe people could advise better with a little more info.

I'm assuming your partner's is a woman because when someone posts like this, being at pains NOT to reveal the sex of their partner it's almost always a man posting about their wife, who has gone off sex.

You haven't really given much information to go off, do you have young kids? Is your partner on medication? How's their health/mental health?

Ultimately you need to decide if you want to stay in your relationship. Counselling might help if your partner would engage with counselling, or it might not - it depends on the root of their issue with intimacy.

Agree with OntheDunes.

A bit of context about your diaries, your home life, your commitments, your history together would be helpful to give advice

Why the hiding of genders?

Ok we've summised you have had a reasonably mid length marriage, and you believe your partner loves you and wishes for the marriage to continue.

There is a blockage, they are afraid of intimacy with you.
Why?

Usually when one party starts moaning for lack of sex it is because of a lack of bonding, enough to create a safe envoiroment for intimacy to occur.

This can occur when the wanting partner has sub consciously checked out of the partnership or been diverting their energy elsewhere, for example by having their head turned elsewhere.

Do you want more? 12 years you've kind of set a precedent. How did you 'court'? How did you decide you liked each other?

I wouldn't like to feel I had to promise 'to never let it go longer than a week without sex.' I'd feel very pressurised. As far as intimacy, perhaps your partner just isn't a touchy feel sort of person and again feels pressurised to be someone they are not. Or perhaps theyve just gone off sex, perhaps it's not a priority, was it ever or is this a new thing? You post makes it sound like they have always been this way, in which case why are you suddenly unhappy if you knew who they were all along?

Thanks for all the responses. Child / work / health issues are not the problem thankfully , we're lucky in that respect.
Purposely didn't identify the act of "sex" specifically rather than intimacy or sexual intimacy to be more precise. Maybe I've unrealistic expectations of what a relationship should be.
This has always been an issue but maybe as I've got older I can no longer ignore it.

I didn't specify genders (or biological sex) because I'm not sure that matters and can cloud the issue. The principle should hold - 2 people in a loving relationship should be willing and enthusiastic about intimacy (assuming there are no health, financial or other problems)

This thread feels like you're telling us how things should be rather than asking for advice.

I hope you can look back on this post when you are in the process of separating or divorcing.

These threads really come in handy when painting a picture to others of how hard you tried and the other party was not willing to co-operate.

How difficult it has been and your struggles to overcome lack of intimacy with your partner, I'm surprised you put up with it for 12 years, you martyr.

I agree with @BilboBercow, it sounds as though you don't really want advice, just a marker to point out you 'tried'.

Good luck with the discard....
Hope I've not messed the programme up too much.