What is normal in a marriage?

[Mocha38]

I honestly don't know what level of annoyance/impatience is 'normal' any more. My husband of 14 yrs has also had a temper, the sort that flares up and then he is fine a minute later, asking what is for dinner or something equally benign. When he loses his temper he will shout, call the kids and me idiots or stupid, tell me to f off under his breath etc. He has smacked our eldest (teenager) in the past. I am the polar opposite in terms of temper and rarely get angry ( I have a lot of anger from my childhood and have had lots of therapy and I don't want my kids to feel like I did as a child, scared of my angry dad and worried about my mum)
I guess I want to know where does regular loss of temper become something more, and am I being too sensitive? He is always apologetic and remorseful afterwards and makes a real effort to stay calm, count to 10, remove himself from the situation. But every so often we just seem to go back to square one. I guess I'm just tired of this dynamic.

OP this is abuse. He's hit your child.

It sounds like your kids are reliving your childhood. I had a childhood where my dad would loose his temper at the drop of the hat and we've now thank god been NC for over 2 years. He needs to sort this out

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what did yours teach you?. They between them taught you an awful lot of damaging lessons and the legacy of that abuse remains to this day with you.

What do you think your children are learning from you two about relationships here?. Present day your children are seeing what you yourself saw in childhood; an angry dad and you as their preoccupied mother. This is patently not the relationship model you should be showing them. Men like your H (and your dad) do not change; they feel entitled to act as they do and show no remorse. What your H is showing you as well here is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. I would also think your H is all sweetness and light to all those in the outside world; he would not behave like he does to you all in front of his work colleagues would he?. No, it is solely for you as his family his abuse is directed.

If you are indeed serious about being tired of this dynamic then your H and you need to separate. I would also suggest you contact both Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisation (they can also give you some legal advice)

It’s not normal or acceptable to shout, swear and namecall people you’re supposed to love (or anyone!) even if you apologise afterwards. If he does it again and again after apologising, then he isn’t really sorry, is he? I’d be insisting he looks into some sort of anger management therapy on the ultimatum of him moving out if he refuses, because it’s completely unacceptable for your DC to be called stupid or idiots or sworn at.

I have never once seen DP angry, let alone had him shout or swear at me, and that’s the truth. Once or twice I’ve done something annoying or infuriating and he’s made a frustrated noise and walked out of the room, to calm down, before returning and being a decent human being again. That’s normal and it’s what everyone should have an expectation of.

AM courses however, are no answer to domestic violence which is what is being described here. He is angry because he is abusive, not because he is angry. He also has a problem with anger, HER anger, when she rightly calls him out on his unreasonable behaviours. Anger management techniques require the angry person to identify the source of their anger, then take steps to de-escalate the anger provoking situation. Batterers may wrongfully identify their victim as being "provoking" when, in fact, it is the abuser's own frustration caused by his sense of losing control over the victim that pushes his buttons. Anger control techniques can cause an abuser to further withdraw into denial of responsibility for the abuse in the relationship. In order for real change to occur, the abuser must accept responsibility for abusing. The misuse of anger can become another "reason" why the abuser abuses, much like substance abuse or a rotten childhood. (Babes, please forgive me! You know I have an anger issue)

Abusive men too often refuse to leave so it may take legal means to remove them. OP may well have to look at obtaining both non molestation and occupation orders.

OPs only real option going forward is to remove herself and these children from day to day life with their abuser.

It's not being over sensitive to not want someone to shout and swear and hit your child.