Am I right to feel a bit miffed with DH?

[adviceseeker753]

NC'd for this one.

I have a health condition which is extremely disabling and life restricting at the moment. Hopefully it isn’t a permanent situation and I am having treatment, though full recovery may take time.

DH (married 25+ years) isn’t great at emotional support and has never been but will do what I ask of him practically (i.e. pick up a prescription if he is passing that way). I ask very little as he has other responsibilities and over the years these have always been prioritised. I try to talk very little about my health at home but happily provide (and in a way am expected to provide) a sympathetic listening ear to DH for him to talk about his issues (work stress for DH for years - never resolved). That's what partners do.

I was given some written information about my condition which DH said he’d find helpful to read when we were discussing my treatment. I forwarded it onto him 2-3 weeks ago. Last night, after I had an appointment, he admitted he’d yet to read it despite having plenty of time to spend on his phone researching his hobbies and on SM. I do accept this is his downtime. I was disappointed and responded that there was little point now.

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit miffed and like I’m being de-valued here? I get the sense that DH avoids me when the going gets tough and that his ‘work stress’, though very real, is a bit of a cop out. I’m not working at present due to my condition so accept he has to be the main breadwinner but we are financially in a stable position. I’d honestly just like to feel like I’m a flipping priority sometimes.

It doesn’t sound like he’s supportive of you, just that you support him even though you need his support

YANBU - you should be his priority, what's more important than your marriage? Not his job or his hobbies. Some people are rubbish at being carers, I'm afraid. Hugs for you.

That's exactly what's going on, I support him yet right now I'm the one needing support. It sounds harsh but I suspect he thinks bringing in an income is enough. I've told him on a number of occasions over the years that we should be the priority, every else flows from us as a unit.

YADNBU to be miffed. I can understand if he’d left it a few days to read because maybe he wanted to give it his full attention or whatever, but not to have read it after 2 or 3 weeks is rude.

Is he hiding his head in the sand? Does he think it’s your business and all he has to do is give the occasional sympathetic nod? Is he actually quite upset but won’t admit it?

I’d be upset too because whatever the reason it gives the appearance of not caring.

I hope your health condition is sorted out ok

Sorry you're going through this OP - it's very common. Women support men through illness; men leave women who get ill

www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm

I suspect it's a combination of burying his head in the sand and to a greater extent believing that it's my business. So long as his life continues unencumbered, he'll offer support as and when it fits in, on his terms.

This is helpful, thank you.

@YukoandHiro

Sorry you're going through this OP - it's very common. Women support men through illness; men leave women who get ill

www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm

Really? FFS. That's disgusting.

When my wife fell seriously ill about twenty years ago I kept up my full time job, and did as much looking after our two girls and my wife as I could whilst working.

I don't claim to be any kind of saint but I definitely never even thought about leaving. Life was bloody hard for all but we got through it.

I ask very little as he has other responsibilities and over the years these have always been prioritised. I try to talk very little about my health at home but happily provide ... a sympathetic listening ear to DH
It sounds as if you both put his other responsibilities first and both avoid talking about your problems? Whilst obviously he should also be able to think for himself and offer you support of his own accord, I wonder if he is partly taking his cue from you, e.g. has the impression that you are doing OK/are "strong" or don't want to talk about your issues?

Fair point ravenmum and in the past I've been more of a closed book due to having to deal with stuff alone (partly because of his lack of support, busyness elsewhere) however I've been expressly asking for his support and to listen to me on this occasion. Perhaps I'm not being clear enough with him as to what that support should look like but I feel it shouldn't be needed to be spelt out as it's then rather contrived or forced rather than being given freely. He doesn't take feedback well, feels he is doing the best he can in the circumstances and suspect he feels my expectations of him are too great.

I'd say that "miffed" is the wrong term and "enraged" might be more appropriate ... but if you were arguing this out in a court of law, he could fairly reasonably claim that your expectations have changed. So maybe he does need a bit of prodding in the right direction? But do you actually want him to improve, or are you "just" pissed off with him and want confirmation that it's OK to be pissed off? Do you want your DH to change, or do you want a change of DH?

My expectations and wishes have always been us as a unit first and foremost, I've centred us (and him to the detriment of myself at times) in all of my choices. Increasingly the same can't be said of him, where the onus seems, certainly to me, to be centred on his work, his hobbies, the DC, his parents then me. I'm not sure right now about the answer to your last question but it's food for thought. Thank you.

I hope that your health improves quickly, but meanwhile, do take the opportunity to prioritise yourself a little more, whether or not he does! Maybe your problems could even trigger a positive change, for you or your marriage.