Trigger :Domestic abuse

[ladyre]

Trigger

Hie all
I’m coming here looking for advice because I have no one else to speak to about this

So earlier this year my partner got drunk and assaulted me gave me a black eye ,strangled me and squished me between the sofa and bed 6weeks after giving birth to our baby

He was drunk and emotionally abusive during my pregnancy.

He now acknowledges this and knows what he’s done wrong .

Our relationship has been nothing but drama and something is always coming out .

This has all had an impact on me and Now more than ever I want to leave the relationship .

I want him to really understand what he’s done and why I want to leave but I just don’t know if I’m wrong or how to go about him understanding exactly what he’s done and what it’s caused

If he needs it spelling out that domestic violence is wrong then he's a monster.

I'd focus less on him and more on ensuring you and your precious baby get out ASAP as its not safe for either of you right now. So sorry that you're going through this. Do you have any family you can stay with?

He already knows and understands what he's done but he doesn't care. Men like this never do and he will never change.

It's time to focus on getting you and your baby safe. Contact women's aid and look up the freedom programme.
Do you have any family or friends that can give you support?

@Luckyelephant1

If he needs it spelling out that domestic violence is wrong then he's a monster.

I'd focus less on him and more on ensuring you and your precious baby get out ASAP as its not safe for either of you right now. So sorry that you're going through this. Do you have any family you can stay with?

I was fostered so I haven't got family nearby Unfortunately which is why I stayed after the incident

You can’t look to him to understand your reasons for leaving. If you continue to wait for this then you’ll be stuck there forever.
He’s a ticking time bomb, how long until he does this or worse again?
Get out now.

Leave - if he has done this once drunk or not he will continue - they don't change. He will make your life a misery and your child's. Believe me I left my abusive ex when my daughter was 2 and he went on to abuse the next lady he got pregnant and it has gone on and on - thery are monsters

Domestic abuse is DELIBERATE. It is not about a loss of control. It is about trying to exert control over someone else.

He is not abusive because of anger. He us angry because he is abusive.

He intended to abuse you, to scare you, to intimidate you and to hurt you. He doesnt want you to know this because then you would recognise him for the monster he truly is.

He is not sorry. He means you harm.

Get out and stay away. Protect your child.

He knows what he's doing. It's a choice. As is trying to convince you otherwise because it stops you leaving.

Abuse is about power and control. He will never voluntarily surrender control of you by agreeing with you leaving or your reasons for leaving. I think if you're honest with yourself your motivation for trying to get that from him is so that you can stay, it's nothing to do with enabling yourself to leave.

Don't waste your time and energy on trying to convince him. The relationship should have ended the moment he assaulted you.

Speak to Women's Aid. Get the support you need to leave and then do so.

@ladyre any friends nearby that can support, or neighbours? If not then like a PP said please contact women's aid or similar. I can't imagine how hard it will be but just keep in mind that you need to do this not only to keep yourself safe, but your baby too. For all you know the next attack could involve him/her.

You've got to focus on yourself and what you think, not trying to make him understand. Take the spotlight off him, stop giving him that importance - any decent human already knows it's not OK to strangle their post partum girlfriend. He's not going to have an epiphany and change.

You are worth so much more than this. For your baby's sake and your own, end this relationship. Speak to domestic abuse services in your area, get some support to leave. A refuge might be suitable for you.

You need to leave him, because strangulation is a big red flag for lethal violence in domestic abuse. He could kill you so easily (without even setting out to do so) by attacking you in that manner. www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/

Don't risk leaving your baby motherless.

There is absolutely nothing you can say or do that will make him realise how much he has hurt you. Nothing. It will all be lip service. Entitlement like that is usually written down to the core. Focus on leaving and contact a domestic abuse charity as others have suggested.

Please seek help, talk to Womens Aid and domestic abuse charity, gather your support and advice.

Usually these types not only abuse you they make your life so damm busy so you havn't the strength to seek outside support.

You have every right to ask for help, they will be understanding and will help guide you.
Please trust them to help you.

Take care lovely
xx

Actually, he is so BRAIN DEAD, he does not know what he is doing is wrong.

Before I get the pile on, I'll explain.

Abuser has NPD.
He's not aware he has NPD. This means he can get himself out of situations with the law because he GENUINELY doesn't think anything he did was wrong.

To you and I, it seems utterly incredible that someone couldn't know what they are doing is wrong. Its because we have affective, emotional empathy and they do not.

This person is dangerous. They need to be removed from your life. Completely.

I percieve you love your child. Protect them from this Lesser, Somatic monster.

Echoing WA here. Just go. Take your baby. Just go.

Definitely leave him, you & your baby deserve more. You don't need to understand him he's a violent nut job and your safety and your childs should be your main concern. He will do it again

You might not need to go OP. Hold on for a short while.

Do not discuss leaving with your partner as he may then feel he has nothing to lose and he's half way towards killing you.

Don't just flee with nowhere to go. Phone the national helpline, it's 24/7 it takes a while to get through but keep trying. 0808 2000 247 Other alternatives if you can't get through is do a search and find out what's available locally: Domestic Abuse help Scarborough for example. Some cities have 24/7 drop in centres or numbers, so it's worth finding out what's available locally.

You say he's your partner - are you married? What's the housing situation? Other alternatives are to contact the NCDV and ask about an Occupation Order which gets him out of the house. The helpline can advise: 0800 970 2070

Take photos of the bruises and marks for evidence. Speak to your GP if you can, as you may need evidence of abuse later down the line.

Get your stuff together and hide it somewhere safe if you need to flee. If you have absolutely nowhere to go, present yourself at your local police station, they are linked up to local DV services.

If you are in danger dial 999
You can also phone 101 for advice

OP you need to make plans to either get out or for him to get out - you CANNOT stay with him. His violence is escalating and you are in danger.

You can walk into Boot's chemist and just say the word ANI.
From there they will help you.

xx

Apologies wrong place to post and it won't let me delete!

@Dadsarmy123 report your own post to mumsnet and they'll delete it for you.