My husband never smiles

[Hideawayhere]

It's taken me 10 years to realise this.
But he is dead-pan and he never ever smiles. When we talk about anything he has a very vacant expression or frown on his face. He does laugh but rarely and only really at what I would describe as man humour.

I've been unhappy for years and it dawned on me yesterday that rhe lack of smiling has actually really worn away my love for him.

He used to laugh more because we would spend our weekends with other couples and he'd laugh at the man jokes. It's only since DCs that I've realised how little he smiles. Living with such a joyless man is making me quite sad.

* It's taken me 10 years to realise this*

Seriously?

Must be joyless for your children too

Many men are miserable I know and work with lots there always moaning about their wives dp

does he respond to you and your dc?

Is he overtired, depressed, stressed? Have you asked him directly about it?

What’s he like in other ways though?

My husband doesn’t smile much, occasionally a bit of wry smile, but he’s kind and considerate in everything he does and is a dedicated husband and father. He’s just a quiet soul and even if he finds something funny he keeps it mostly to himself. But I’m okay with that because he’s a lovely man.

My ex however, was the absolute life and soul, every photo taken of him he had this huge beaming smile, it made him seem really attractive and fun. But behind closed doors he was an absolute evil bastard and spent years being abusive to me. His smiley persona in public made it even worse as I felt that no one would ever believe that he was capable of it.

A smile isn’t everything.

Queenadrina good point

@QueenAdreena

What’s he like in other ways though?

My husband doesn’t smile much, occasionally a bit of wry smile, but he’s kind and considerate in everything he does and is a dedicated husband and father. He’s just a quiet soul and even if he finds something funny he keeps it mostly to himself. But I’m okay with that because he’s a lovely man.

My ex however, was the absolute life and soul, every photo taken of him he had this huge beaming smile, it made him seem really attractive and fun. But behind closed doors he was an absolute evil bastard and spent years being abusive to me. His smiley persona in public made it even worse as I felt that no one would ever believe that he was capable of it.

A smile isn’t everything.

But clearly op isn’t happy She hasn’t been happy for years Does your dh look at you with a vacant face or frown when you talk?

Maybe he isn't happy either?

Low grade depression, especially if it hasn't been severe enough to result in time off work or seeking medical attention (and men are known for not seeking treatment), could result in somebody not really feeling anything that could make them smile, other than perhaps an occasional thing.

No idea what 'Man Jokes' are, though. I don't suppose you're smiling or laughing at those, whatever they are.

@Hideawayhere, It's the frog in boiling water scenario, overtime it changes you.

How is your relationship generally? Does he resolve conflicts, make compromises? How does he react when you and dc are joking, laughing being silly. Can he take feedback for being too serious?

But clearly op isn’t happy
She hasn’t been happy for years
Does your dh look at you with a vacant face or frown when you talk?

Sometimes he does, yes. It doesn’t bother me personally as I know he has a job where he talks and sort of has to be in ‘performance’ mode for 9 hours a day; by the time he gets home he is all talked out and his brain is probably mush. But he’s still polite, nice to be around and makes us all feel loved and safe. I prefer that low key, consistent sort of happiness. That’s enough for me, but I appreciate it wouldn’t be enough for everyone. As other posters have said there might also be other things at play for OP’s husband too, such as depression.

But I’m absolutely not saying OP should just be happy with what she has, she’s perfectly entitled not to be. Maybe he’s not happy with her either. Maybe it’s not just that he doesn’t smile, he might be hard work in many other ways too. That’s why I asked, ‘what’s he like in other ways?’ to try and get a better idea of their relationship overall.

I don't understand this complaint.

Either he's never been the smiling sort - which is fine if he's just an undemonstrative person who still treats you well. Lots of people are happy and content with their lives, they just don't show it on their faces much. But how does it take you 10 years to notice this?

But if my DP used to smile a lot but no longer seems to be happy, I'd be concerned for his well-being, and I wouldn't make that into a problem all about me.

You've spent all these years knowing he doesn't smile and letting it get to you without ever asking him why he doesn't smile, then you come on an internet forum to complain about how you're the one who's hard done by? What a disgusting lack of support you show for your husband. Marriage is a two way relationship, it's not all just about you you you. That's some seriously bad wifing.

There is a difference between not smiling and being miserable. When I needed a cleaner my friend recommended a lady from her church who was desperate for a job. I must admit she didn't present well but I gave her a go for my friend's sake. And I am so so glad I did - this lady has been amazing. But the point of my story is I realised this lady never smiled - never mimicked facial expressions back to me. If I asked her to do something she looked miserable...but was really not. In fact she is the most kindest, hard working and generous person I have ever met. What I realised is that she does not have facial expressions the way other people have facial expressions. Her son has ADHD and goes to a special school - I think she has inherited some ASD traits with her lack of facial expressions. She told me once she has never had a friend. I can imagine she looks grumpy to other people but when you get to know her she is warm and friendly - just not in the traditional way of being smiley.

I have taught a childwho never smile. He played, activitly engaged with learning and never complained to us or to parents about being unhappy but he never smiled. His Mom always said he was happy in school and actually said...don't worry he is smiling on the inside! I have often thought he may have been on the autistic spectrum but it has not caused any issues so he has never been investigated. He also looked at me with a blank stare.

I am having some of the same issues. I know there was a lot of trauma in his past. He will smile with his friends, or at things he sees, or "dad jokes" really corny things, but never at me. When I talk to him, I always feel like I am bothering him because of his expression.

But he is kind courteous and sometimes goes out of his way to do small things or to make sure that I am cared for.

We may both have some level of autism, but perhaps it is more. When I share that I am upset, he gets angry a bit and redirects.

I think that the ten years can happen, especially if there are other areas where care is given. I have found, and feel that for myself, often any type of direct conversation with my husband gets a direct non facial response from him.

When someone it kind, takes good care of you, and overall does amazing things of caring elsewhere, you may not register the non-smiling as a problem, until you realize what it does to you in the long run.

I had very undemonstrative parents, however my husband does hug me, and generally give me that kind of care. But no smiling..a bit robotic.

You do not realize how much that smile means. There is a passage from the Koran that says "a smile can be charity" I would say that is correct as many of us just need that little reassurance.

I know this is an old thread, but curious OP as have the same issue. Non demonstrative and serious rather than depressed. It has worn me down over 8 years, I usually animated and expressive have become more and more sullen.

It really has effected me.

Same here, husband is depressed and anxious due to unaddressed childhood trauma; moaning and complaining all the time about work and then about home/life. Always telling me I'm miserable or grumpy. Definitely can't hear himself. It gets me down and I'm worried about the future. We have a son together and desperately want to be a stable family unit for him

I actually left him in the end.
There was a lot more going on than just not smiling. I realised he was happy anywhere other than being with us, his family. Not depressed, just selfish in my experience.

Ironically, he now tells me he feels much happier when we spend time with the children as a family as opposed to separately. We still have the odd family day out together and he seems more appreciative these says but he didn't do enough to save the marriage.