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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My mum is always telling me her health problems when she knows I have problems of my my own

20 replies

Lilyloo123 · 24/05/2021 18:30

Hey everyone,
I have read a couple of threads that have been simular to what I'm about the write but sometimes I just feel at the end of my tether and have to speak to someone other than my oh!
This all started when my mum found a lump on her rib about 4 years ago. Her anxiety was so bad she couldn't wait til the next day for a doctors appointment so went to the hospital to see a gp there. He said it was all find and probably just inflamed after a knock or something. It went away after a couple of weeks.
A year after that my mum found a breast lump. She found it while I was on holiday and waited another week to tell me after I came back. The way she said it to me was like she was so scared and in tears. I hugged her also in tears because I just knew what she would be like. She went to hospital again because she couldn't get an appointment for another week at the gp 🙄 . The doctor there wasn't very nice at all and told her it felt abnormal. She said do you think it could be cancer and he said yes!!! I was so angry and made a formal complaint because doctors are never suppose to do that without further checks.. it wouldn't be impossible for them to know. Then it was 2 weeks of anxiety and crying everyday and looking up thibgs on her phone (the devil)
She basically diagnosed herself as breast cancer before she had tests. Anyway she had an ultrasound and mammogram and it was all fine turned out to be a minor lump non cancerous.
I remember walking out the hospital qnd my other half asking her what she wanted for dinner to celebrate and she still wasent happy. I'd be jumping for the moon but it was like she couldn't belive she didn't have cancer.
Couple of weeks went passed she was a bit happier but then she started getting pain in her breast and then she started to think something else was wrong. We went doctors many times doctors checking her breasts in the end she went for another scan and everything was fine AGAIN!!
Another year after that my dad sadly passed away and things have just got worse and worse. There's been so much stress we have had to sell the house and move somewhere cheaper so she has savings because she doesn't work . My dad never wanted her to work and she never did.
She now has still got really bad menopausal symptoms and she also has vaginal atropy she has been diagnosed but she keeps looking on her phone searching up cancer and bad things it could be.
She needs to have estrogen pill for her symptoms or a patch but she won't have that because she's to scared of getting cancer.
All of her symptoms we can clearly see is to do with menopause and atropy but every little new symptom she has she thinks it must be something worse!
I suffer with vulvadynia and I have done for 10 years my medication isn't working as well as it did and stress makes my symptoms really bad. Even when she knows I'm having a flare up or a bad day she will come and tell me all her problems because she hasn't got anyone else to tell. It feels like a burden on me, hope that dont sound like I'm a horrible daughter. She had taken so long this time to get help which I think she needs counseling and she is very depressed and she has soo much anxiety. When we go out together she always seems to be up to it even if she has her problems that day but when I say why don't you go out or go and do this she will say her pains are really bad. Sometimes she says things I don't even know if she's telling the truth sometimes or just wants attention or to relate to what I've had . She has a lot of simular symptoms to me and it just annoys me as I'm suffered for it for years and never been like that with her. I just think a mum should take responsibility and talk to who she needs to to get help, especially for her to feel better but also for us to have a better relationship again.

OP posts:
battenburgwithtea · 24/05/2021 18:57

She can use vagifem for the atrophy, it's not HRT it's got the risk of one HRT tablet for a whole year of using vagifem I think (she can check it online)

As for your mum it sounds like you need to tell her you're under so much stress that it's best you and she don't discuss health problems and you want to talk about other things. If she still brings it up just repeat that you can't really talk about it just now it stresses you out. By stepping back you could be doing her a favour as she can look elsewhere for support.

Do you live with her and if so could you look to move out?

ChangePart1 · 24/05/2021 19:38

She went to hospital again because she couldn't get an appointment for another week at the gp 🙄 . The doctor there wasn't very nice at all and told her it felt abnormal. She said do you think it could be cancer and he said yes!!! I was so angry and made a formal complaint because doctors are never suppose to do that without further checks..

Wait, what?

She asked if it COULD be cancer and the doctor said yes? As in, yes it could be? As in, they didn’t say ‘no, it’s definitely not’?

Unless you’ve written this wrong I can’t believe you’d be so unreasonable as to complain about a doctor doing absolutely nothing wrong!

I was going to reply about your mum’s health anxiety and setting healthy boundaries between the two of you but not sure it would sink in if this is the kind of hysteria and irrationality at play here.

bigbaggyeyes · 24/05/2021 19:57

Sounds like your mum has health anxiety, an you convince her to see her gp about this, they maybe able to sort some counselling. If she won't go maybe you could talk to some of the mh charities and find out how best to help her whilst still helping yourself

It's really difficult op as you have your own worries and you're having to support your dm through hers (physical or mental health).

Cocolapew · 24/05/2021 20:11

Vagifem is hrt I though? Just a lower dose.

JustGiveMeGin · 24/05/2021 20:20

@Lilyloo123 I suffered with vulvadynia for years, I had a thread on here about it under a different name. Apologies if you are already doing this but if not get yourself to a pain management clinic for a nerve block. It took a while for me to get the right combo of meds but once I did....bingo! Most of my symptoms have gone (still on the pain killers but nothing as bad as I used to be)
Sorry I'm no help with your mother but hopefully if you feel better things might be easier xx

Strikethrough · 24/05/2021 20:28

I think you just need to be blunt, here.

"Mum, I can't keep listening to you talk about your health problems. I need a break from it, it's too stressful for me because it's so similar to my issues. Please find someone else to discuss it with."

Next time: "Mum, I'm sorry to interrupt but I've already told you I can't listen to you talking about your health problem. Did you watch Bake Off last night?"

Next time: "Mum, I'm going to have to go now because you won't stop talking about your health problems. I'll call you on Tuesday."

Eventually either she'll stop talking about it or you won't have to listen to it because you'll keep leaving as soon as it's brought up.

Lilyloo123 · 26/05/2021 10:31

@battenburgwithtea my mum does use vagifem for her atrophy but it isn't working for the soreness, she has other symptoms like back pain and stomach cramps. She also needs hrt because she is still suffering with menopause symptoms, 10 years after. She has hot sweats, keeps falling asleep, she has depression and anxiety and urgency to wee. Thank you for getting back to me.

OP posts:
Elouera · 26/05/2021 10:40

Your mum clearly needs CBT to put things in perspective.

I also cannot believe you made a formal complaint about a Dr who was simply agreeing that yes, it could be cancer! You both sound bonkers!

jojogoesbust · 26/05/2021 12:42

I'm sorry but I think she did the correct thing each time getting her lump/breast checked out.

Oh and the GP did nothing wrong telling her it could be cancer. Would you rather he lied?

YarnOver · 26/05/2021 20:01

@jojogoesbust

I'm sorry but I think she did the correct thing each time getting her lump/breast checked out.

Oh and the GP did nothing wrong telling her it could be cancer. Would you rather he lied?

She went to the hospital because she didn't want to wait for the GP! That's madness! And I agree about the complaining from other PPs - he's only human and answered a question!!!
Moonshine11 · 26/05/2021 20:06

Sounds like she has health anxiety tbh op.
I had a friend suffer from this, and yes it’s hard but she needs help for it.
My friend had counselling and she’s a lot better now.

PlanDeRaccordement · 26/05/2021 20:09

Well, a certain amount of support and listening is to be expected between mother and daughter (both ways). But I think this is very much one sided and I agree your mother needs psychiatric help. Her anxiety sounds worse than anything menopause related especially since it is still so strong ten years post menopause. So I think, she has an anxiety disorder, probably health anxiety. You’re not a professional, so just give her a hug and help her get to a mental health team.

Lilyloo123 · 27/05/2021 11:54

@Elouera

Your mum clearly needs CBT to put things in perspective.

I also cannot believe you made a formal complaint about a Dr who was simply agreeing that yes, it could be cancer! You both sound bonkers!

I wrote that wrong. The doctor said she most likely has cancer. Which the doctor had the heads up my mum had loads of anxiety and was worried. By formal complaint I meant I spoke to the receptionist about it and said also said it was wrong of the gp because you are not suppose to say anything until there has been formal tests to confirm. Luckily she didn't have cancer thank god, but the 3 weeks wait for the hospital because of the gp was hell she thought she has cancer and she was worrying about treatment and she was feeling so ill juts on thr basis of what he had said.
OP posts:
Nuggetnugget · 27/05/2021 12:00

My mother has a lot of mental health issues and drama around health (some is justified)
I pull away from her at times when it gets too much. You need to too.

CovidCorvid · 27/05/2021 12:06

Did the dr actually say "you most likely have cancer" in those words of is that just what she took away from the appt? I'd be amazed if they did.

But I agree if asked a direct question of could it be cancer the dr is correct to answer truthfully and say that yes, it could be.

Sounds like your mum has serious health anxiety, so start seeing her as having a mental health condition. She needs to accept this herself and seek help.

CovidCorvid · 27/05/2021 12:08

I've been previously referred on a 2 week cancer pathway and the dr said to me that he had to be clear to prepare me that it could be cancer. I didn't even ask (I already knew). But he was right that he had to make sure I understood rather than have a shock if the tests came back as cancer.

user1471457751 · 27/05/2021 12:51

Did you actually hear those words yourself directly from the doctor? Because if not, I wouldn't believe them given your mum's clear anxiety around health issues

TVS19 · 27/05/2021 19:23

THIS^

Its possible you could get a twunk of a hospital Dr but its far more likely she's just heard what she wanted to here and then reported that narrative to you..

What strikes me how extremely manipulative she is being plus ignoring your own, legitimate health concerns.

If the cancer story at hospital was a one off, I'd give her the benefit. Its not though, is it? A pattern of behaviour since your DF died is now highly indicative.

Condolences on your father. Flowers

Seesawmummadaw · 27/05/2021 19:47

I don’t really understand. You don’t want your mum to discuss her anxieties about her health because you have poor health?

Hotpinkangel19 · 29/05/2021 19:11

Health anxiety is debilitating, its horrible tolive with. Does your mum have anyone else she can talk to apart from you?

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