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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me find my anger and my self respect

19 replies

Redwineandcrisps · 24/05/2021 18:06

I had a thread the other day about how I need to walk away, but I’m struggling and I need you all to kick my arse into gear.

We have only been together 6 months, he chased me - said he loved me, wanted to marry me, have babies with me etc. He is a director at work but from another office so luckily I don’t have to see him very often but it is embarrassing none the less.

It turns out I think I was very much the other woman. He works away during week and was with me most weekends but was still living at the same house as her. She has found out about us and has thrown him out and has cleared the joint bank acc out. He is saying he’s having a breakdown, he needs space, he loves me but can’t be with me at moment etc.

He has massive anger issues, has now totally dropped me and Has behaved terribly in the past (I had a miscarriage ans he ignored me) so why am I so obsessed with him? Why can’t I summon my self respect and actually think I’ve dodged a bullet.

I need to keep away, I’m honestly embarrassed about how I feel. If this was a friend I would be enraged on their behalf, why can’t I summon that about myself and salvage some dignity?

Help

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 24/05/2021 18:08

All this has happened in 6 months ?

Are you on a mission to fuck yourself up or something ?

Come on now. This is ridiculous. Walk away, and stay away.

Cleverpolly3 · 24/05/2021 18:12

You are well rid
Unless you are into self sabotage and ruining the rest of your life

Original poster

Redwineandcrisps · 24/05/2021 18:16

I’ve only ever had abusive relationships, so it’s entirely possible that is what I’m doing - I know I have crap self esteem issues but I had done a fuck tonne of therapy so was hoping I was in a better place now.

I’m annoyed with myself - I want to have the same self respect you lot would have. I want to be able to genuinely be able to tell him I’m worth more and to get lost. I don’t know how to make myself feel that!

OP posts:

Holothane · 24/05/2021 18:19

You’ve got one life don’t throw it away on this selfish idiot, life’s too precious, you don’t need this crap. He’s been found let him get on with it.

Ruminating2020 · 24/05/2021 19:58

Don't be a people pleaser and a doormat OP.

He is not going to change and you deserve much better. Go no contact with him and tell him not to contact you again and stick to it. It will probably get worse before it gets better but it will be worth it.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/05/2021 20:00

Block. Him.

It's not complicated.

CassandraTrotter · 24/05/2021 20:10

You need a serious level of counselling and to stay firmly single.

Do you have any friends? Why are you so desperate for a shitty, abusive man?

Whyareblokesonhere · 24/05/2021 20:14

Actually it's fine, it's a good relationship really, he is a good man really and if you give yourself to him, he will grow to own you, to have you at his beck and call, you will become more and more submissive and will never have to think for yourself anymore, just live a simple life, with no money or friends, which means you don't need any self esteem, you just do whatever he says. Those dreams and hopes for life don't matter any more so be obedient and get yourself in line.

Or you could stop make excuses and by the time you finish this sentence he can be your ex.

You are worth more.

Bananalanacake · 24/05/2021 20:31

Thank God you don't live with him eh,

Whatonearth07957 · 25/05/2021 23:00

Fake the self esteem until you make it. Let your head take charge. Stop feeding your fake inner romantic rhetoric.

Todayisontheup · 25/05/2021 23:24

Hi @Redwineandcrisps,

Please don't beat yourself up, and we have all been here at one point! What worked for me was writing down a list of every bad thing my ex did and re-reading it constantly.

My anger came very quickly, and I began to detest him. It is natural to focus on the good times and feel like you have lost something good, but by writing the 'bad' list, you will soon see you have had a lucky escape!

I would then recommend you consider doing the Freedom programme to free you from these toxic relationships.

Good luck

TVS19 · 25/05/2021 23:27

Right. Harsh words on this thread. I will be equally as harsh. But hopefully not as abrupt.

You my lovely, have been had. Oldest trick in the book, the married, powerful man. Promised the moon and the skies.

If its a work based thing, new job. Possibly relocate. You don't need this shit. He's properly worked a number on you. Few people will see your pain. Be prepared for those. I see your pain.

Sunflower1970 · 27/05/2021 07:39

Walk away and what are you doing getting pregnant within a 6 month relationship???????

litterbird · 27/05/2021 07:59

This is a lot to take in from a 6 month 'relationship'. If you have been on MN for a while you would recognise the love bombing you experienced with him. The future faking and all that business that usually gets spouted by narcissists or men who are like to mess women around. Getting pregnant probably wasn't the best thing to happen but learn from this and make sure you have proper protection next time. For the short term plan you must cut all contact and go cold turkey. Its hard but very necessary. The mid term plan is to stay single and work with a therapist to untangle why you were attracted to this man and work on what red flags you saw but didn't take action with. Long term plan is to keep healing and if you take on a new relationship hopefully your therapist will give you the tools to see red flags, stop the relationship in its tracks and move on without clinging on for dear life. When you get there then you will show yourself the self esteem and value you have on your life and yourself. Not easy but with help it can be done.

Strugglingtodomybest · 27/05/2021 08:05

No matter what you may feel you need to know that you are worth more. Even I know this and I have never met you! Remind yourself that it is old crap thought processes (no doubt installed during childhood) which are telling you that you are not worthy. But you absolutely are! Be strong

Thunderdonkey · 27/05/2021 08:07

I don't know if you are still reading OP, but I think it is OK to feel how you feel. You are grieving the relationship you hoped you had. What is important at the moment is what you do. Block him, and if he tries to make contact don't engage. Give yourself time and the anger will come.

bangheadhere40 · 27/05/2021 08:08

Trauma bond maybe....

It's good you recognise what's going on, it's hard though getting your heart to catch up with your head.

Oenanthe · 27/05/2021 08:13

Have you tried feminism?

It's remarkably good at helping you find so much anger that you'll be at zero risk of falling for a lying shagger ever again.

Hullish · 27/05/2021 08:23

It’s trauma bonding and I think you know you have attachment issues.

Are you still in therapy? Block him and just get through today. Then get through tomorrow. There’s a lot of reading material out there to help but you are going to have to feel the pain - it will pass, you know this. He’s a dick and you are worth more x

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