Erectile Disfunction?

[Debbierocket123]

Hi Mumsnetters! A bit of a sensitive subject but I am hoping someone may have experience with this.

My fiance has had some issues in the bedroom since the start of our relationship. When we were a new couple, I understood it as he had been single for a fair bit of time before meeting me. However, we have been together for years now and he still has issues "raising the troops". He's been to the doctor and they tell him there is nothing wrong with him and to take viagra, but he is having bad reactions to the medication. He won't visit the doctor anymore about it and it's really started to get me down. I feel like it's my fault and it's starting to knock my confidence. I spoke to him about it and he reassures me but I just want the problem to go away. He's only 36! If someone has any advice or experience of this I would love to hear how you managed to get past it. TIAx

A healthy 36 year old should not need viagra. And I'm a bit surprised the doctor was so dismissive of the issue. I just wonder if there might be more to it than he is letting on, ED is usually linked to stress and/or depression. It is psychological in origin, and it can be a downward spiral, you can't get it up because you are stressed and the fact you can't get it up makes you more stressed (I'm a man BTW). Happens to all of us from time to time but not for years on end , the usual remedy is to avoid sexual activity of any kind until your desperation overcomes your stress. Takes a few days, couple of weeks at most, certainly not years.

You'll get a flood of replies on here saying it's porn and/or OW, which it may be, but IMHO porn use does not automatically diminish a man's desire for his DP, it can work in the opposite direction.

But ultimately a relationship between two people who are not sexually compatible will struggle, sex is often said to be the glue in a relationship and I think there's quite a lot of truth in that.

There a few different ED treatments available over the counter (assuming your in the U.K.)
Maybe try a different one, the side affects can vary

onlinedoctor.lloydspharmacy.com/uk/mens-health-advice/viagra-cialis-levitra-best

Are you 100% sure he went to the doctor? I find the comments from the doctor hard to believe personally.

@Anothernick

‘
You'll get a flood of replies on here saying it's porn and/or OW, which it may be, but IMHO porn use does not automatically diminish a man's desire for his DP, it can work in the opposite direction.’

You OPINION ‘ as one man aside I can assure you as a woman who has been with more than one man who has this problem it CAN indeed diminish desire for ones partner . I also have spoken to other women with the same experience . Not to mention the research showing PIED to be a very real thing ( PORN induced erectile dysfunction )

OP it may or may not be the case with your partner but might be worth looking into whether he is using porn
If this is not the issue then it seems he needs to really come to a point of understanding that refusing to have further medical investigations or to explore what the problem is will be increasingly damaging to the relationship

You mention that he reassures yoh so clearly you e told him this upsets you but still he does nothing.
Perhaps it’s time to tell him that the relationship NEEDS to change if you tie are to proceed to a wedding .

Otherwise I’m sorry but I see this getting worse unless addressed now

I read today that pornhub gets more traffic than Netflix!
There are loads of men who can't get it up for their partners nowadays, lots of ladies on here know its a problem, lots of doctors do, and lots of guys do too, going from the amount of sites set up for them to try and kick the porn habit so as to improve their actual sex lives.
It's really sad for all involved.

Porn addict? Watches too much porn? It's a common side effect. Or maybe he has performance anxiety?

Did the doctor rule out underlying physical causes OP, eg test for diabetes/check testosterone levels? Assuming they did, I still think this needs revisiting although I am not surprised your fiance isn't keen to go if he has found the GP to be dismissive/solution offered doesn't suit. There are other options medication wise than Viagra that may suit better.

Its really difficult to discuss as it is often a sensitive subject for the man it is happening to, but you do need to speak to him. He may be perfectly happy how things are (I doubt it, ED can be so damaging to a man's confidence) and he may avoid the issue as he may be embarrassed, but with a lot of reassurance and if done sensitively talking about it may just take the pressure off a bit. Although difficult, try not to interpret ED as a reflection on how he feels about you or how attracted he is to you-it is usually nothing to do with this at all and focusing on that may amplify the problem.

Does this happen only when you attempt penetrative sex? Sometimes other ways of being intimate put less pressure on the man to "perform"-if this is the case with you fiance you could both focus on other ways of being intimate together.

Thank you so much for your kind responses. He doesn’t watch porn while he’s in a relationship but he used to before he met me so I would doubt porn is the problem. He’s told me before that he gets “stage fright” Maybe it happened a couple of times and now he can’t get it out of his head. He knows it upsets me and it upsets me more than he won’t do anything about it. He says there’s nothing wrong with him. I’ve asked him to go to the doctor again but he’s not confident they’ll do anything to help. I’m at my wits end now- I’m trying to be kind and sensitive but I feel like shaking him.

Also yes it usually happens when we attempt penetrative sex or attempt oral. Sometimes there’s nothing at all no matter what I do :(

Sorry all the different responses ...the doctor took a blood test and checked his hormone levels and vitamin levels and checked for diabetes and says he’s fine and I’m perfect health.

As this doesn't seem to be physical then there is something going on in his head .Would he be willing to seek some counselling on it ?

@Debbierocket123
Hi, I would still suggest you look to try one alternative ED medications, they have different side effects for different people, he get on better with a different one,
Might give him the extra ‘boost’ to get things moving along more and is a quick and easy thing to try out

Not to say your wrong OP , you could be spot on but please bare in mind that they almost ALL say they don’t watch porn when they are in a relationship . The secretive nature in which many men use it is often a big part of the issue

If he isn’t having a fulfilling relationship with you (ie ejaculating) I find it highly doubtful he isn’t masturbating alone. And a lot of men (and women) watch porn when doing this. And it can exacerbate the problem.

There are specific techniques you can use to help the performance anxiety. They involve taking sex off the table and doing other things

@Ridingthegravytrain

If he isn’t having a fulfilling relationship with you (ie ejaculating) I find it highly doubtful he isn’t masturbating alone. And a lot of men (and women) watch porn when doing this. And it can exacerbate the problem.

There are specific techniques you can use to help the performance anxiety. They involve taking sex off the table and doing other things

Yes that's true. I think men have a physical need to ejaculate regularly even if they are not having sex. I would find it very hard to go more than two weeks without, it leads to constant erections and difficulty sleeping.

But having seen so many threads about men who apparently go without for months or years I wonder if I am not typical.

If he watches porn out with a relationship, he watches it in one too. No matter what he says. Maybe less of it. But still.

And the fact that he says theres nothing wrong with him...op it sounds like he may want you to feel like you are the problem.

Either way, this relationship...just like his cock
...is going nowhere.

He doesn’t seem the type to lie about watching porn. We’ve been very open with each other this whole time about all sorts of uncomfortable stuff and I told him I don’t care I just want to help him. He hasn’t got a very high sex drive but we manage to have a satisfying love life when he takes the medication. Maybe we’ll try a different medication and take the pressure off sex for a while and see what happens. It’s totally random it’s not like he has issues every time.

It doesn’t sound like this problem is going away. There are lots of people on here who are in sexless marriages due to this problem. I’d delve a bit deeper into this as I dont think he is being completely honest.

OP, did everything work out ok?