Has anyone been able to salvage a sexless marriage?

[Bea8809]

I’ve been married to my husband for 5 years..we have a 17 month old son and a baby on the way. We never had an amazing sex life (well I think my husband was happy) ...we used to have sex a lot at the start, every day at least and I liked it but after a while felt it lacked variety and my husband was never up for trying anything different, he very much likes familiarity and routine I think because he’s had trouble finishing in the past. He no longer has trouble finishing but still likes the routine.

I always thought eventually he would open up / relax more and I loved everything else about him and still do. However the problem has gotten worse and worse..I think because I expressed dissatisfaction with the current way of doing things (kindly) I put him off wanting to it all together over time. I nearly didn’t marry him because of it but he assured me it’s something we could work on and everything else was perfect.

Then it got worse because my husband found trying to conceive very stressful and not very sexy..then we didn’t do it much in first pregnancy because he doesn’t find pregnant woman attractive..then sleep deprivation, back to trying to conceive baby 2, miscarriage, trying to conceive again, pregnancy. All very unsexy things...we haven’t done it since we conceived 4 months ago.

I recently started therapy for childhood issues but actually have spent more time talking about my marriage than anything and feel deeply unhappy with the lack of sex and intimacy. As I know he doesn’t find pregnancy attractive it feels like such a long time till we can even work on things. He said he will see a couples therapist but he doesn’t see the point while I’m pregnant.

I love him and he’s a great dad and husband otherwise but I feel so undesired by him. I have daydreams and actual dreams of amazing sex with ex partners and feel so sad the next day. I think my husband is quite sexually repressed and I know it’s caused problems in his previous relationships so I don’t think he even knows what he’s missing and how good it can be.

I feel really low and like I’ve made a terrible mistake as no matter how much I love him I don’t want to never have sex and intimacy again. I don’t want to get divorced and have to live apart from my children...I would also miss him terribly but I worry that it’s not salvageable. On the other hand he’s the only partner I’ve been in love with and I spent a long time looking...I was very promiscuous and sexually open when single but I feel like the person I’ve chosen to be my life partner is the worst sex I’ve had.

Has anyone been able to come back from this?

Was there a reason that you married someone who was the opposite sexually to what you had been experiencing before?
Two things jump out to me
You knew this was a issue right from the start so this is ingrained behaviour for him, which can be changed but is more than just finding time or a few new ideas. This will need serious investment from both of you with no guarantees of success.

It is highly likely that this will end up no sex. There are plenty of threads on this and some are fine with it, some can not even contemplate a week without good sex and some realize it is the partnership and find another partner and never stop after.

You asked if people change this situation and the answer is yes, but not many. If you read the threads it us about 1 in 10 that change this situation and go on to be happy with their sex life. But most seem to be where they are not making any effort or issues around resentment of domestic situations which are relatively easy to understand.
Your situation seems to be more complex and deep seated exacerbated by you knowing exactly what you want and miss.

My advice would be to read the numerous threads in this area and set out a plan. If the plan doesn't work then you have a choice of leaving or accepting.

Thanks for the reply..I did have serious doubts about the marriage but I talked myself back into it because although I’ve had plenty of great sex, I’ve never been with a man I loved so much, was as kind, thoughtful, intelligent and have great fun with outside of the bedroom. I thought we could improve it eventually or that I could live with it..I think I’ve buried these emotions and told myself it was fine and also having kids has been a big distraction as even healthy sex lives take a hit.

I could definitely live with it not being the best sex ever, I’d just like a significant improvement. I think it’s more than just being bored with the lack of variety (when I say lack of variety I’m not being overly demanding, husband will only do missionary in bed). I think what bothers me is my husband seems very detached and closed off about sex and generally seems quite uncomfortable about it..I think there are some issues he has.

I guess the reason I chose someone opposite to what I like is that the men are liked sexually were usually not ones I’d want to marry. I thought it would get better over time...I know he’s not just ‘vanilla’ as he’s shared fantasies with me but he has zero interest in acting them out with me.

I would say its possible but only if both partners are open and willing to engage in the process of re-engagemen.

When my wife decided she didn’t want to have sex (with me at least), that was pretty much it for me and we divorced, as I wasn’t prepared to live without sex.

I wish you the absolute best of luck, but I suspect you won’t want to live in a sexless marriage either...

I completely understand where you're coming from OP and why you're torn about what to do.

I found it a bit disrespectful that he told you he isn't attracted to you when pregnant and also said couples counselling isn't worth starting because you're pregnant. Surely your relationship matters just as much now! (Maybe I'm missing the point?)

Is there any foreplay/touching/oral at all or is it literally just missionary and that is it? That would put me off entirely I have to say OP, I'd be feeling just the same

I hope some counselling can help you both, it sounds like he's a good man and that you do love him. Our partners can't meet all of our needs it's just a shame the need he isn't meeting is sexual as it's not something you can get elsewhere like for example I know people who holiday with their friends because their partners don't want to.

Hmm, not attracted to you when you are pregnant, won't take up counselling, resistant to your requests for more sexual variety. Yes it sounds as though he is sexually repressed but TBH he also sounds inconsiderate and disinterested in your needs. I don't quite get why you are so in love with him when, as you say, he does not desire you. There are some deep seated issues here and they will not improve unless he engages with them and understands your position.

On another level it's very odd for a man - or anyone - to want only missionary sex. Like eating the same food at every meal.

It doesn't sound like either of you really want each other much sexually if the chemistry isn't there I don't think you can force it.

Why isn’t he attracted to you when you’re pregnant? That would really upset me.

No it didn't work out for me.

With the missionary I think it’s because he used to suffer from delayed ejaculation and he’d get very uptight and stressed with not being able to finish...missionary worked so it’s his ‘safe’ position but he can also finish from oral so I don’t understand why we can’t do other positions and then switch back at the end. From behind he says it’s uncomfortable for him physically...it’s my favourite position and I’ve never been with a man that doesn’t love it...we never do it. On top he will occasionally humour me but I just feel too self conscious now as he doesn’t look like he’s enjoying it.

At the start of the relationship he wanted more sex than me and it was me who sometimes turned him down (to be honest because of the mixture of lack of variety and taking a very long time). Over time it’s now the reverse and he’s never in the mood. He knows i have issues with it so I think it’s knocked his confidence and put him off as well.

With the pregnancy he said it just feels wrong and he loves that I’m pregnant but just doesn’t find pregnancy sexy. First trimester was fine last time but this time we’ve not done it at all.

I think I’ve just been burying the feelings and pretending it’s all ok for so long or making excuses on why it isn’t better. The therapy has really brought it all out and now I’m thinking I’ve made a huge mistake but don’t want to break our family up and he’d probably want 50/50 custody which would be heartbreaking especially when they’re so young. I also worry that I wouldn’t find anyone I loved as much, I know good sex is easy enough to find but the rest isn’t.

You need to be frank and tell him how unhappy you are with your sex life. If you have good communication then you should be able to say this. I think it sounds salvageable if you find some common ground. What about buying some sex toys and getting the massage oil out. Variety is a Joint effort x

Does he know his marriage is in so much trouble?

Now is the perfect time for him to start the therapy.

No. Divorced. Much happier. You can only fix something if both people want to fix it

OP - I think it’s a classic mistake women make when they marry someone with expectation that their partner will change.
Normally it doesn’t work that way.
Plus - as you said yourself - men who you had adventurous sex with weren’t potential husband/father material.
I think it’s generally quite true. And I think it’s unfair to expect your H to change over for you.
Maybe he does have issues around sex. And maybe he is not adventurous and doesn’t need the variety you want. But he is who he is.
It’s no l
More fair for you to expect him to change than the opposite. From his point of view - I am sure he’d preferred you’d slowed down to his level.

Now - is there a solution where you two live happily ever after. Not sure.
I doubt he is capable of the kind of sex and variety you crave. But - maybe he can get his head around letting you step outside of marriage for that? It’s not a traditional arrangement but can work for some.

@MMmomDD I think you’re right in that I shouldn’t have expected a change...however it’s tough as at the time I was over the moon to meet someone who ticked every other box, sex seemed less important and not worth throwing the rest away for.

I think theres more to it than just not being adventurous, he doesn’t make any eye contact, is quite mechanical and quite literally runs away to the shower immediately after. He says he feels ashamed after sex like he’s done something wrong so I’m sure there’d be room for improvement if we figured out what was causing that. He is very affectionate and cuddly outside of the bedroom but seems to struggle with sexual intimacy.

I really hope so anyway :( I think I’m going to really push for couples therapy and say I don’t want to delay until after the pregnancy.

It sounds a bit like he might benefit from therapy for himself rather than couples therapy? The things you describe aren’t really an issue with your relationship so much as repression or potentially even trauma he is holding about sex - perhaps it would be more useful for him to work through this as an individual? If it’s tied up in shame etc maybe this is a better approach rather than you being there in the room.

I'm sorry you are in this heartbreaking situation. It sounds more like he needs specialist sex therapy tbh. Would he consider this?

I have suggested solo therapy to him as well but he didn’t seem keen on the idea..I was hoping maybe couples therapy might open the doors and he would consider solo once he’s seen the value. He’s very encouraging of me gojng to therapy so he’s not against the idea of it...but he said he doesn’t see the point of dredging up bad memories and falling out with family members. His mum I know was physically abusive to him and his brother and his brother also bullied him so he didn’t have a nice time of it and I have wondered if that has something to do with it.

Sounds like he’s virtually admitted to you this is all childhood trauma based. Poor guy. Deserves more support than you obsessing about how to get your rocks off all the time.

EMDR is an effective treatment for trauma. If your husband knows his marriage is potentially on the line and his wife is extremely unhappy with a fundamental part of your relationship then surely therapy is worth a try?

I feel your pain and completely sympathise with you! I had this issue with my ex, luckily not married or kids but he did want both. He was wonderful, kind, handsome, driven, smart, but completely clammed up in the bedroom. He had issues coming too quickly so would only do missionary as he lasted a bit longer. I constantly tried to suggest different positions and techniques but he had a huge complex about it all so would just shrug off suggestions or promise ‘next time’. Unfortunately I got quite frustrated after years of trying to get through to him and said some unkind things whilst drunk. I had already tried the softly softly approach, tried getting him drunk so he’d be more confident and relaxed, tried making it a no-pressure ‘no big deal’ thing. By the end I was getting so upset that he wouldn’t even TRY.

Looking back, what comes easily to some people doesn’t come easily to others and I was putting huge pressure on him to be sexually open when it just wasn’t in him. It’s like asking a fish to climb a tree then kicking off when it can’t. It’s not like he didn’t want to and didn’t wish he could. But he just couldn’t. I eventually ended things after 6 years. The crap sex ruined our intimacy and our bond and by the end I felt like I was living with a friend and became completely bored. You need to decide how important a fulfilling sex life is to you and what you’ll do if you’re unable to change him. From my experience 6 years of trying every tactic under the sun didn’t work. Fish can’t climb trees.

After what you've said most recently, I think you need to talk frankly with your husband and ask him to seek help. As another poster mentioned there are approaches (eg emdr) that are not focussed on talking about past trauma.

Could he be depressed? I was in a sexless marriage and antidepressants have turned my husband back to how he was in his 20s (we are in our 50s). I had many miserable years feeling like you. The fact he’s saying he doesn’t find you attractive pregnant is upsetting - just shows how men objectify us - you are still the same person!

I had no sexual experience before I got together with my OH, so had no understanding of what was usual in a relationship.

20 years on I've learned more about what is usual and what happens between adults and the priority attached to this. There is no 'usual' of course here, and frequency and intensity are very particular to every couple.

Knowing this, it remains difficult to feel intimately connected with a monthly, routine intercourse especially when any suggestions are faced with confusion or apathy.

I'm willing and want to try counselling but again my DP sees no need for this as everything is OK.

I can see earlier that your situation might include historical experience on your husband's side which could be a major factor.

Sex is not a right, but neither does a sex less marriage have to be endured. Please do try, you likely have more in common than not and I'd hope you can patch this up.

@MMmomDD "men who you had adventurous sex with weren’t potential husband/father material.
I think it’s generally quite true " - wow - I think husbands need to know this! Sounds a bit like 'can't make a wife outa hoe' - but worse!

OP - unless your DH is willing to get therapy to deal with his sexual repression- this won't go away. But you are entitled to a satisfying and fulfilling sex life and you shouldn't feel ashamed of this. Its also OK that you feel you might have made a mistake in marrying a man that can't give you this - you need to forgive yourself. But most of all you need to be honest with him. It won't really come as a surprise- the only surprise might be how important this is to you. But knowing this he either needs to face his own demons and overcome his sexual apathy, or accept that you are entitled to enjoy this central part of yourself with someone who can be what you need. You can of course be supportive in this, but you need to live an authentic life - as we all do.