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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Postpartum anger in men

8 replies

Iwonder08 · 24/05/2021 16:27

A friend of mine gave birth several days ago. She is not a close friend, but I have a feeling she doesn't have anyone else to talk to about this issue.. Her husband who I know too developed some sort of postpartum anger. It manifests itself in him being shouty and rude to her or lash out on complete strangers on the street to the extend she is worried he will get in trouble. He has a recent history of depression (work related), he is seeing a psychologist regularly.
The problem is he is in a complete denial of any issues from his side and tells her she is just imagining things.
She just had C-Section days ago, she needs to recover and look after the baby and tip toeing around him is making things very uncomfortable.
She tried to talk to him, he denies any issues. I suggested she contacts his psychologist, but she doesn't have their email /phone. Due to covid they are pretty isolated now, both sides of the family are not around.
I am running of ideas how to help her, any advice would be appreciated!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/05/2021 16:32

Is he really seeing a psychologist?.

I would be advising her to contact Womens Aid. Pregnancy and birth are two well known triggers for abusive men to further ramp up power and control against their chosen target. She cannot save him but she can save herself and her child from a future life of misery at his hands.

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 24/05/2021 16:35

Postpartum anger isn't a 'thing'. The ramping up or initiation of abuse directly after or during pregnancy/birth absolutely is, however.

She needs to get immediate help to get her and her new baby to safety, whether that's leaving him or having him removed. Women's Aid can help her, or the police, but her job is to protect herself and baby, not to manage this completely made-up condition.

TheQueef · 24/05/2021 16:36

Agree with above.
They could be in danger.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 24/05/2021 16:38

This isn't a thing. This is abuse. She needs to contact Women's Aid.

Iwonder08 · 24/05/2021 16:51

I hear you all. I don't think she will go to women's aid though. It is hard for me to gage, but I've got an impression she has no concerns for her safety. She believes it is triggered by his work situation which he just handles worse due to an obvious stress with the new baby. I don't know if he was abusive before, but she never mentioned it.

OP posts:
DateXY · 24/05/2021 20:52

Perhaps her DH.has bipolar or similar? She should call his mental health team - she'll definitely be able to get though to someone on the phone, otherwise how would any in the UK be arranging appointments! He could be becoming really dangerous. She needs to act ASAP in case he lashes out at the defenceless baby.
As others have said, no such thing as postpartum anger exists in men.

Unanananana · 24/05/2021 20:56

Sounds like yet another man lashing out as he is not the centre of attention. Seems pretty common on MN. His poor wife is trying to recover after major surgery and keep an new person alive and he is chucking his toys out the pram as she isn't running around after him.

Your friend needs to remove herself and her baby before his abuse harms one of them. Then, he can sort himself out.

Iwonder08 · 24/05/2021 21:12

I actually know the guy for longer than I know her. He introduced me to her. He is definitely seeing a psychologist, he was seeing him for 6 months now. I don't think he is bipolar, but he is not 100% well mentally. This baby was very much wanted and planned based on what both of them told me. She was very supportive and helped him through all work problems resulted in mental health crisis.
I feel so sorry for her. We had a chat where I told her she should concentrate on recovering from the surgery and looking after the new baby and if she feels he is threatening in any way there are ways to get help quickly (women's aid, police etc). But I can't force her to do it. I was thinking of calling him, but I am afraid it will get things worse for her if he guessed she shared this with me

OP posts:
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