For those who have taken back a man after he let you go

[quiznos]

I know Mumsnet is always harsh on these sorts of threads, so can I please ask that only those who have been in my position could give feedback that would really help.

I don't need to be told I am worth more (I know I am), I don't need to be told he's been an arsehole (I know he has), I don't need to be told it shouldn't be this hard (I know this) but I just want to make a decision that is right for me and am trying to weigh things up.

Life rarely plays out in binaries and I am trying to think of what will make me happiest for the rest of my life. I'm not looking to have kids, mine are already grown, so this is just about choosing if I want to commit to a life with this man or not.

When I met him, it became clear after about six months that he was an emotional mess and not ready to commit. We discussed this at the time, and I was in two minds about whether to end it or not, but we were happy together and enjoying life day to day, so I hoped he would slowly adjust.

He was sort of stuck in a mindset at the time that relationships led to pain, he could only trust himself and it was unsafe to fully invest in anyone. So he sort of made decisions in a way that a single person would.

After over a year it was clear to me that he was still not invested 100% so I asked him if he was ready to invest everything in us and he said he wasn't. He was very sad, but just told me in an honest way that he was just not emotionally able to be fully vulnerable like that. I told him I loved him, he did not respond in kind. I was heartbroken.

We kept in touch, he was always saying how much he missed me. He came back after a couple of years, saying he realised I am the love of his life and he was ready to give me everything. I still loved him and we started dating a second time around.

This time things have been very different. He's invested this time around. He introduced me to his family, he invited me fully into his life, he is making decisions like he is a team rather than a single person and he is talking now of buying a home and so on and everything is "we" instead of "I".

I am just struggling a bit with trust, because he left me once and I always felt if he'd really loved me, he would not have left or given up those years we could have been together.

I am also struggling that while he used our time apart to work on his "issues", in terms of an almost phobia of commitment, he has only really scratched the surface in working out his history of parental neglect and so on, and I am still not sure he is a healthy partner.

I also know, for sure, that while we were apart he had some brief relationships with others. One of them is a woman I know vaguely and I know he was seeing her for six months, which I find makes me so upset. She told me that he told her he loved me and couldn't get over me, which helps, but it still hurts a lot.

I wonder if maybe this is our fresh start and he is ready and will make me happy, or if he just screwed things up so badly the first time that it is better to walk away and keep the past in the past.

If I believed he will not let me down again, I'd be so happy, because I still really love him and think we are great together but I am also just worried he will let me down again.

I read all these stories where women say "My DH knew he wanted to marry me right away" and I feel really bad inside that this man really didn't treat me like I was valuable when he had the chance. I feel like I was an acceptable loss, and I am not sure how to get over that.

Has anyone else taken anyone back after heartbreak and mistreatment and found happiness?

He didn't really leave you though? You have him an ultimatum that he didn't feel able to live up to. It's not quite the same thing

That wasn't really what it was like at all :( I would have been happy to continue as we were and make gradual steps towards a life together, but he was acting in ways that made even maintaining the status quo really hard.

He was making decisions like a single person, without factoring me in. Those decisions made being together very difficult indeed. For example choosing to move house to a place which made it hard to see each other regularly. Those decisions were very hurtful at the time. I remember him making a pros and cons list of moving and I wasn't even on it!!

I wasn't demanding instant lifelong commitment or anything, but it was obvious that he wasn't fully invested and I felt like it wasn't going to get better as we were going backwards. There were also a lot of normal "couple" things I felt I was missing out on. Like I could never get him to commit to taking a holiday together.

You don't trust him, and I don't blame you. I wouldn't either. I wouldn't be wasting my time with him, personally.

To me, it sounds like he has been truthful all the way along. He clearly had issues had he was working through but there are much much worse ways in which they can play out in a relationship. I would take him at his word and see how it goes.
And that immediate madly in love feeling is very juvenile and less a factor in adult relationships. I'd actually be put off if someone was madly in love from the go.

In your case, I say he does seem to have worked on his issues and it's been a few years, not months - enough time for him to make some tangible change in his life. Also the fact he dated someone is upsetting but if he actually admitted to her he was still in love with you - you know it isn't just a line he fed you.

I agree with a pp that as you get older, that immediate love/infatuation where you just know isn't always possible. You do get more measured with age and learn to distinguish between lust and genuine compatibility. From what you've said, he has put a lot of thought into whether he loves you or not, and has only said it once he was sure.

I was the reverse. Dated someone a few months and then left them because i was fresh out a divorce and struggling to feel the way about him I thought I should. A year later I found myself still thinking of him and asked for a second chance, and this time around I was shocked by my depth of feeling and love for him as we grew closer. Turns out that my emotional baggage had prevented me from really loving anyone, or certainly anyone emotionally healthy. So I'm glad he trusted me enough despite me hurting him initially, and we had a really good relationship till it ended for unrelated reasons.

So yes, i think getting back with an ex can work - only if the issues that separated you have been resolved. If you think they have, don't dwell on the past. See him as he is now and how you feel with this version of him.

Good luck, sounds like may work for you!

When you were together before he wasn't in the right place for a relationship, and now he says he is. I'm not sure what's wrong with that tbh. It's not like he 'let you go' to date someone he preferred and has come back to you now it hasn't worked. He hasn't lied, so I don't see the grounds for lack of trust.
That said, he does seem to have some issues which may mean it won't be plain sailing. He also seems quite ready to make reference to his past to explain (excuse?) things that suit him but not you. Its up to you whether you want to take that on, or look for something more straightforward.

I suppose I always thought for the right person there is no right time, and "I'm not ready for a relationship" is just nonsense people say when they don't really love you?

What issues do you think he hasn’t dealt with, from his past?

I can understand you feeling resentful. It’s been on his terms and he didn’t have his heart ripped out - he pootled off sadly and amused himself having other relationships until he felt nice and comfy to return and jump into your waiting arms.

It’s impossible to tell whether it’s right for you or not but proceed with caution I guess. Can you talk openly about these feelings with him? You should be able to let these feelings out and have him bear them, and help you with them. That would help build trust.

@AtrociousCircumstance this is exactly it.

His past is basically quite extreme parental neglect, alcoholic mother, various issues attaching and trusting women, then this leading to a string of pretty horrible relationships before ours.

He has been in counselling (he says he did this for me because he saw ours was the best relationship he ever had and he made terrible choices and wanted to heal). Still a long way to go and he's very insecure about me.

I do feel all the things you mentioned, almost like losing me was a risk he was willing to take, and he tried out a few other people in my absence. He says that I never left his mind, that he never felt anything for anyone else and it was always me he wanted. He says he was just scared and made all the wrong decisions and always loved me but just couldn't say it.

It wasn't really fear of commitment in the sense of being afraid of being trapped, it was more blind terror. Dating was lovely in so many way, but also felt like he was strategically trying to put obstacles in the way.

This time around, he's done things he never did before (already met his children which I never did before) and he's put pictures of me up around his house. He says he regrets not celebrating being with me and that he's working on stopping being so scared.

Similar happened with me and my DH. I was never in doubt of his feelings for me but circumstances and his previous trauma (from the early death of his mum) meant that he wasn't able to be in a relationship with me. I was absolutely heartbroken. We got back together about 9 months later and the change was obvious. It took me a long while to trust him fully and we had relationship counselling which really helped. But we were blissfully happy and completely in love. Unfortunately he passed away suddenly last year, but the time I got with him was worth all the pain and I don't regret a minute of it.

Struggling with “let you go” as terminology! Guessing the OP is not a fish?

I’m struggling to understand how you’re the love of his life if he actively went on to have a relationship with another woman. I thought his excuse for breaking up with you is that he’s basically realised he’s better off alone. I think he’s a typical man that has ‘the grass is greener’ mentality so he decided to look for the next best thing and when he realised life isn’t like that he went back to you. I would be struggling with that too OP and if I’m honest I wouldn’t take him back. But that’s probably because I’m too stubborn and won’t settle for less than I think I deserve.

However, why did you think about this before you took him back. Because now you’ve met his kids it’s quite bad timing to suddenly pull back and say you have a problem with how he treated you. No one forced you to take him back

Have you considered joint counselling?

I had a situation a bit like this. Didn’t leave me but was a crap partner first time around and I left him. Took me a long time to believe that he’d changed- we always get told ‘people don’t change’, don’t we? But it’s been 5 years now, and he has. You’ll get told that there are ‘bad guys’ and ‘good guys’ but the reality is that everyone is a shade of grey, and circumstances & maturity affect our behaviour more than we might like to believe

He moved country for me at the start which was the big show of commitment that I needed in order to give it a go. What can your partner do for you to give you the same confidence? Maybe counselling can help you work that out.

People do have break ups that can make them realise that they definitely do want to be with that person. We have an example of that in our family and they are one of the happiest couples I know. My old PT also had the same experience, with a guy for quite a while, I guess he wanted some final single time before committing - then they got back together, he committed, children, marriage etc. They're very happy. The common denominator I guess is that both times it was the man who went off, had another barometer relationship - then came back. I don't think it's that uncommon and I think there's every chance you'll be fine going forward if you can put the past behind you.

My ex broke up with me after a year. He came back two days later claiming that he was very stressed due to work and that caused him to do something stupid. I gave him another chance. About three years later I almost ended things as he was emotionally unavailable and I wasn't feeling fulfilled in the relationship. We agreed to work on it. Two years after that he dumped me completely out of the blue and turned my life upside down.

So in my case, I felt like I should have seen the signs first time round and saved myself from a lot of heartache.

However, that's my situation. Only you can decide if this man has really worked on his issues and is ready to commit. Look at his actions as well as his words.

I'm now engaged to my wonderful, loving DP who is excited to plan a future with me. The difference between the two relationships is night and day and I'm so glad my ex ended it.

Well, as you are an independent woman, whose children are all grown up, is there really a push necessary to move this on to the next level? You don't have to chose right now whether he is going to be forever or not.
I get the feeling that you are bogging yourself down by overanalyzing, when it might be better to live in the now and see how things go. No need to rush to get married or live together as far as I can see. So while you are feeling understandably wary about past treatment, just carry on as you are, enjoy that he's including you more in his life like you wanted, and see how it pans out. It's a bit of a unnecessary leap to be planning what forever could look like in your mind.

This man grew up in an alcoholic family and will have been emotionally, and physically abused. He would struggle in relationships and struggle with attachment.
Look up the traits of adult children of alcoholics - you may find it useful to show him them. He can attend on line meetings.
It can help him a lot.

It's hard to say from what you've written.
How old is he and does he drink?
Does he have any children and what's their relationship like?

It sounds like he has proved his word to you and you need to let go of the past for this relationship to work. Timing truly is everything and he actually sounds pretty decent for not pretending when he wasn't ready and not expressing his feelings until he was truly ready to commit to you.