How much do I tell him?

[newbrother]

NC as this is very outing.

My father left home when I was about 3 and my little sister was 1. I didn't see him even once until I was 16. He was, despite my mum keeping a somewhat positive tone around the subject of him growing up, a complete and utter arsehole. Luckily meeting him led to meeting my little step-sisters and my little half-brother, who even though my father has now left them, I am still in touch with today.

I also have a half-brother who is about three years older than me. My father left his mum when my brother wasn't even born yet, and his mum brought him up under the belief that someone else is his dad. He has finally been told the truth and sought out myself and my little sister, and has been told about our younger brother too. We've been chatting a fair bit and have a lot in common, but he hasn't yet brought up the topic of what joins us all genetically: our father.

I've been trying to prepare myself for what to do when he does bring him up and I'm at a loss. Obviously, he knows that my dad has routinely left his children, but the trauma he caused me at 16 is really, really awful, and I don't know if I should go into it or not when he does ask. My little sister hasn't seen him since she was 1 so I'm the one with the best idea of who he is, and I feel that carries a lot of weight.

So, do I go into detail about the ins and outs of it, or just say something like, 'We've not had the best relationship with him'? What would be easiest or most productive to know? I'm cautious that he may want to reach out to his father, and I feel like he should be prepared, but I'm also not sure what's right here.

It depends what he asks. I wouldn't lie but maybe wouldn't let out the whole truth, let him find out for himself should he chose to?

Its a tricky one. If he is a risk to children, I would let them know in case any of them have kids later and let him have contact.
But you dont have to explain yourself or go into details.

I feel like I'm missing something. What happened at 16?

@myfuckingfreezer sorry, for clarification - when I was 16 I saw my dad for the first time since I was 3. It was a very traumatic time and I don't want to go into the details.

Interesting point about warning him in the case of my brother having children. My brother has no children at the moment but I do believe my father is at risk to children both emotionally and physically based on the experiences I had at 16, and witnessing the way he treated my younger brother who was 1 at the time.

[quote newbrother]@myfuckingfreezer sorry, for clarification - when I was 16 I saw my dad for the first time since I was 3. It was a very traumatic time and I don't want to go into the details.

Interesting point about warning him in the case of my brother having children. My brother has no children at the moment but I do believe my father is at risk to children both emotionally and physically based on the experiences I had at 16, and witnessing the way he treated my younger brother who was 1 at the time.[/quote]
Given what you’ve posted here, why wouldn’t you tell him the truth?

@Hadjab Second-hand guilt I think. I feel bad that he's spent his whole life thinking his dad is someone else and then he finds out it's this other guy who ends up being a not very nice person. Although our father isn't a good person, I want my brother to feel like he can seek him out if he wants to.

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for. If he asks a direct question I think you should answer it honestly. You don’t have to give your opinion of your dad or what happened, just what the events were. I’m sure given the history you’ve shared here your brother has got some idea of what his dad is like. I’m sure the nature of your brother’s questions will guide you as to whether he wants to know all the details or not. If his questions suggest to you that he does want to know specifics of what your dad is like better that he hears what you experienced rather than arrange a meeting with him and be on the receiving end of your dad’s behaviour.

I think you should tell your brother the truth. The reason I say this is a somewhat similar situation happened to me, except a different male relative and I was the one not told about this man's "proclivities" until after he died. I am still very, very angry I was put at risk as a child and kept in the dark as a result. You don't have to do into details, but a disclosure would be the fairest thing.