Separating - can I keep house till DD 18?

[DamSky]

I want to separate/ divorce from my H. Not told him yet. At the moment I am staying for Dds/ house but there is no abuse- we've just grown apart and have nothing in common.

Youngest DD is 14. Would it be reasonable to ask that we ( Dds and me) get to stay in martial home til youngest is 18 - so 4 years.

For context we both work FT and are both on good salary - me 60k, him 100k so I can afford to pay him something towards a flat each month though we live in a £££ area. I cannot buy him out, that would be hundreds of thousands.

I don't want to play my cards until I know a bit more. Not yet spoken to solicitor but happy to do so if this is a show stopper to having "the chat". I will stay if it means DDs can stay in their home till uni. I don't want my lack of happiness to ruin their childhood it is not that bad.

You’ve not given enough info

Is the house mortgaged and can you afford it on yout own?

Secondly would he be agreeable to go into rental till then and not buy and to be tied to you financially till it’s sold?

We can’t guess the answers to these,

Yes it is and I can afford. I can also afford to give him 30k. I just don't know if this is even an option.

You're the one who wants to break up the family unit...if you're both working full time, why is it automatically him who should leave? The kids are equally his so he may want to stay in the current marital home and buy you out. If he's the higher earner, this scenario would actually make more sense.

OP have you tried counselling or extended periods of couple only time. It's easy to feel like you're growing apart in a long term relationship with kids and lose yourself in child rearing and stressful teen years . You fell in love with him and committed to him, have you clearly told him how you're feeling and that you both need the time to reconnect as a couple and set aside dedicated time to reconnect over time?

What’s the equity in the house? If he’ll need it to rehouse himself then it’s unlikely you’ll be able to stay without his agreement, you’ll also have to be able to pay the mortgage and all bills by yourself. It also depends on your ages, if he’s too old to get a new mortgage etc. Judges like clean breaks , with your dd being 24 there’s a chance you could be able to stay if you can afford all bills and mortgage but it’ll have to go to court and no one can tell you what a judge will decide.

I meant your dd being 14 not 24

Why are you assuming you stay at home, and be residential parent? What if he wants 50/50 custody? Why would you then get the house?

From your DH point of view will it mean him renting and not able to buy 4 years.
This would mean 4 years of rent and 4 years of house price increases . If so he would more than likely want it sold .
Then if you wanted to buy in 4 years again what you would be buying would cost a lot more than if you bought now and how old are you because in 4 years time you might only be able to get a mortgage over a short term .

He knows how I feel but does nothing to affect any change. Apart from working, he does very little ( he is a born procrastinator and quite lazy - i am a total doer) and this he is now a burden feeling is why I think I would be better alone. I cant imagine a life with him without the DDs - just me and him feels unthinkable so can't see how we can possibly stay together when they leave for uni.

Thanks for the different perspectives. I've been viewing it through my DDs experience rather than his - they love their home.

It's possible but couldn't be guaranteed -- a statement true about most things in divorce settlements. Wait two years and then rely on divorce taking a few years anyway ...

The best approach is to sell rather than wait a few years. If your dd goes to Uni and you buy a new place it will never be her home whereas if she lives with you pre 18 she will build memories.

Do you know CETV of pensions? You may get more equity in lieu of pensions.

I think of there is a chance it's always best to work on the marriage, assuming no abuse. Is this a rut, could you reconnect again? Covid has put enormous strain on couples.

Surely if you're 'a total doer' you'll want to get your life sorted asap and have your dds in your own home?

Ok so then the only question is would he be amenable?

To be honest I don’t think it’s fair on him and I don’t really think it’s best for the kids either, just really you need to set up yout own home and move to your new way of life that your kids can embrace

I’d also examine if it’s you who loves the home and just doesn’t want to loose it.

If he isn't the one wanting to make the change, then why would he be the one to move out?

Can you afford to rent a place for yourself, maybe with a spare room for DDs to stay overnight sometimes? And if you're thinking "I would never accept that!", isn't that what you're asking of him?

He would have a strong case for a clean break.

Given your salary, your daughters age and the implied level of equity I would not say this is a mesher order situation. Unless you ex is agreeable. Also he will get 50% in 4 years even if you pay the mortgage. If house prices rise, as they do in the U.K., it will cost you more to delay selling up now.

Judges take into account his age now and in 4 years time. In 4 years would he still be able to get a mortgage. After 50 it is harder as you have less years to pay it back in. You should break up sooner rather than later to give you both a chance of buying again. Pensions into account may mean you get more equity against (if he has) his higher pension.

@Hont1986

If he isn't the one wanting to make the change, then why would he be the one to move out?

Can you afford to rent a place for yourself, maybe with a spare room for DDs to stay overnight sometimes? And if you're thinking "I would never accept that!", isn't that what you're asking of him?

This.

Does he know you're thinking about leaving, that it's really gotten that bad, or is he kidding himself that you're rubbing along alright, albeit with the odd grumble here and there?

Well he can’t be that lazy and much of a procrastinator op if he manages to bring in 100k a year. So potentially this is about the fact you just dislike him.

As said, I’d examine if truthfully it’s you who just doesn’t want to leave the house, you don’t want to change your lifestyle and are looking for ways to justify it.

If it’s not you there’s no reason you can’t move out. And he keeps the house. But if you really would hate that then ask yourself why you think it’s ok to want to make him do what you don’t want to.

Bottom line is no you can’t force this, you have no legal right to ask him to stay on the mortgage with you for another four or five years after you split, and he has to live in rented for that time.

OP it is well established that children need function more than form when it comes to happiness in a family. If your marriage is at the point of divorce your children will know it and feel it. No matter what they tell you or you think about staying in a house.

The thing that matters is their ability to feel secure in their relationship with both parents and that won’t happen by 4 years of faking happiness to avoid the inevitable.

Houses do not make people happy and they don’t love them. There is something very wrong if they do. But people cling to them as totems of security when everything else is wrong. People only see the extent of unhappiness when they leave.

Why does he have to move out? If you're instigating the split, surely you should leave?
You seem to be assuming you keep the house, have residency of the dc etc

Much less disruptive if your dh & dc remain in the family home and you find somewhere new. It sounds like you have enough income to afford somewhere with room for you dc to visit etc

You need to get legal advice relevant for the country you are in. No amount of 'if it's you who wants to leave etc...' will make any difference to whatever the law says for where you live.

There's no automatic right to stay in the house until children are 18. Financial settlements are based on need and the resources available to rehouse both parties. There is a responsibility on the court to find a clean break if they can. If it means selling up to buy smaller properties each that would be a more likely outcome in court.

You may need the agreement of your exhusband to stay in the house and also beware of tying yourself together unnecessarily. If either of you move on with new partners the motivation to release equity from the house may cause more legal proceedings.

The best way to get a good idea of likely outcome if it goes to court is a session with a direct access barrister. Take all your financial details and they should give you an idea.

When my XH and I split after his serial affairs I kept the house. He wanted to do this because he felt guilty and wanted his children to be able to stay in their home. Our kids were 4 and 6 at the time.

As part of our divorce I borrowed extra money as an interest only mortgage to give him £100k for a deposit. I then took on sole responsibility for paying the mortgage, council tax and all the bills. He then had a legal charge on the property effectively saying he still owned 20 percent of it (reflecting his half ownership - the other 30 percent being covered by the deposit for the flat) which I would either pay back or release when I sold. I have just done this now my younger child is 18. I down sized to release his share have increased my mortgage as it is all now repayment so I can own it outright.

In the meantime as our income was similar no spousal maintenance was paid but he did pay child maintenance to me as my DC lived with him only EOW and a weekday evening.

So it is possible but my XH needed to get a suitable home for 2 DC - a 3 bed flat - and that's not cheap in our area.

But really you just need to go to see a divorce solicitor to do all the sums and look at all the assets including pensions (and debts). The principle for a long marriage is that everything is divided 50:50. I'm not sure if your full circumstances so there may be a chance that your H puts up a fight about any or all of this. Apple I've not read the whole thread so you may have covered some things.

He wanted to do this because he felt guilty

As the op seems to be thr one to want to end the marriage and not him it’s highly unlikely he’d feel guilty. In yout scenario the op should want to give him the house ans she leave becayse she feels guilty. It appears not to be the case.