Not going to a funeral

[Bluesky5678]

I need some advise please!

I was born and raised abroad, currently living in the UK, have been for years. My parents live in my birth country and I haven't seen them since late 2019 because of the pandemic and the lockdowns and restrictions on flying abroad. They completely understand but I still miss them.

Recently my dad has taken ill and is in hospital and the doctors are not giving him much time. My mum is with him and we are talking a lot, she is giving me information etc. Lately the talks of a funeral have come up. My mum said she doesn't want me to go through the stress of travelling to an amber, potentially red country and she is also worried about the potential financial side since currently I am not too well financially. She said she would not be mad or sad I'm not going to be there, and that my dad himself has said he doesn't want me to worry about travelling in these crazy times.

Am I being a horrible daughter? If there were no travel restrictions, I would definitely have been there but with all these PCR tests I have to pay, overpriced plane tickets, and potentially £1800 for a Covid hotel which I honestly cannot afford, I just don't want to travel to a country which is currently on the amber list and which can drop to the red list overnight because of the rising cases there. I love my dad, always have and always will but the only peace of mind I'm getting is that both my parents are saying there's no point in me going because of how stressful traveling is currently, and they'd rather know I'm safe in my home than stuck in a Covid hotel for 10 days.

What do you think? What would you do if you were in my place?

Well you have been given their blessing not to go so you can't make a wrong decision here. You won't be letting anyone down. Will you have the opportunity to view it online and they will know that you are there with them in spirit?

Like with many things at the moment, I would let the funeral run as a very small affair without you save how to arrange a larger memorial event when everyone is free to travel. Obviously funerals are never for the dead but for the living relations and friends to mark the passing and this can be done later. I don't think a very stressful and expensive trip is the way to mark his passing. Hopefully he will have a longer time anyway. You sound both sensible and loving, as do they.

I’m sorry to hear that.

I agree that you might think about a memorial event later, when restrictions lift. I don’t think your father would want you to travel and take such a financial and personal risk at present z(though obviously I don’t know him), and your mother has given you the get out. Might it be possible for the funeral to be live-streamed and you to watch at home?

My sympathies - it’s so hard losing people in this pandemic when you can’t do the normal grief things, or they’re so much more difficult.

Don't go. First, there are the health considerations. Second, there are the financial considerations . Third (& most importantly) both your parents have said they consider these as perfectly valid reasons for not going. You are not an awful daughter by not going. Consider how much worse things would be if you did go and got the virus as a result.

Both your parents are saying clearly that it is fine not to go to the funeral. They love you and want what is best for you. It is fine not to go.
Just ring them.
You can always have a ceremony of some kind at a later point. I do not know if your dad will be buried or cremated. But it is very common to have a family gathering to spread ashes sometime after the initial funeral. If relevant, this is something you and your mum can do at a time that suits you.
My own father was very ill and I could not travel to see him because of covid restrictions. He survived, but I knew he might die without me ever seeing him again. My parents did not want me to break the law and take the risks it would have involved.
Your parents know you love them and it sounds clearly that they love you too.

Don't go. Your parents understand it isn't a reflection on your love for your Dad or his for you.
Is there someway to stream it so you can watch it and talk to your Mom on the day?

I'm sorry for your impending loss

Give this lots of thought. In years to come you may regret not going.

Please don't feel bad about not going to the funeral, and it certainly doesn't make you a horrible daughter. I know several people who didn't attend a parent's funeral due to being on the other side of the world, and that was pre-covid times - it's really not uncommon. Your father knows you love him, and that is far more important than going to his funeral.

Thank you for all your responses, my mind is at ease at least a little bit. My dad’s never liked people fussing over him and I think he understands how hard it is to travel currently. I wish things would go back to normal but I think this virus is here to stay so we all have to learn to do things differently, even send off loved ones.

Find out if it's being live-streamed - so many funerals are in these times. I attended a live-streamed funeral last year and it really felt like there was a level of 'being there'. It makes such a difference.
I really think you have your family's blessing not to put yourself through the ordeal of going. So sorry that you're going through this OP.

Will your dad be cremated or buried? If cremated, can you travel home when things have eased etc and have an ashes scattering ceremony with your family?

Sorry to read of your dad's ill health and all that you and your mum are going through. Live streaming of the funeral when it comes, and some form of memorial once you can travel, I suggest.

Bless you OP. Funerals are for the living and as much as I'm sure you would be there like a shot for your mum, your dad knows you love him and that's what is important, not attendance at a service once he's gone.

Hopefully restrictions will lift and you'll be able to visit your mum in the not too distant future.

A memorial is a good idea once it's possible to have a big gathering.

Cremation isn’t really a thing in my culture, so he will most likely be buried. There’s no wake normally, people gather at the grave site and say a few words and then after the person is buried there would be a small gathering for food and that’s it. I have no idea if they offer live streams, it’s possible that they do. I can’t bring myself to look at a funeral home’s website yet.

In my culture we “celebrate” (for lack fo better word) 40 days, 90 days and a year, two years etc. after the funeral so I can attend one of these. And it’s not like I will never visit my hometown again, I will definitely visit the grave. It gives me peace to know that my dad said it’s okay for me not to go and he understands it’s not possible to travel as normal and he said many times he doesn’t want me to be put in a difficult situation financially. I know it sounds superficial but nearly £400 for tests + the looming £1800 for a Covid hotel + however much I lose from not working (I get commission and if I’m not working, I lose out on pay).

Thanks to everyone for your comments and kind words!