No drama relationship v continuous highs and lows

[saxofcole]

Can I ask if any of you are in a relationship where there is no drama ... you just click and gel, you're crazy about each other, differences sorted through mature talking and planning ahead together ?
And if you are , and have come from
At best .. highs and lows and
At worst ... toxic and mildly abusive relationship)s... did you relax into it or did it take time to accept the easiness and calm. Did any tiny part of you miss the highs of making up or any related emotions ? Did it ever feel lacking ?? The new calm relationship I mean ?

20 years of calm after volatile previous relationships on both sides, here.

I treasure it still. I do wonder sometimes if I'm either in danger of being a boring smug married or just biting my tongue when things annoy me - but I hate rows and knowing DH will be super reasonable if I do bring up something that bothers me means I'm happy to let little niggles slide.

@saxofcole

I don't want highs and lows . My previous significant relationship was just low but my Now boyfriend of a year spent years in relationships/ marriage of drama and toxicity . They were simply incompatible. I love the easiness of it all but wonder at times if he is so used to those types of relationship , does it get boring when one is used to it . He says he loves the calm and smoothness of it all .He describes it as a breath of fresh air .But we are still very Much in honeymoon stage as we only see each other at weekends.

You're describing my marriage to DH.

Neither of us want any drama or highs and lows because we find it either hurts the other person which neither of us wants, or it becomes exhausting and energy-sapping. We generally get on well, with the odd niggles here and there which we resolve quickly and move on. We can't bear the thought of the other person being hurt.

Your OH won't miss the highs and lows if he's had all that hassle and 'walking on a knife edge' in previous relationships, not if he has any sense, that is, as it isn't anywhere near as good as a relationship you can trust and that's stable and not a complete waste of emotional energy.

I had a very volatile relationship with my ex. Constant highs/lows, definitely emotionally abusive and I left when she started stealing from me and sexually assaulted me.

Just over a year later I met my current partner. Been together just under 2 years and I can count on one hand the number of arguments we’ve had. Never ever had a screaming row - the worst it’s been is we’ve snapped at each other and then taken some space for w while both feeling wounded. But generally discuss issues maturely.

I have not gotten bored of it. I love her so so much, we just always have a nice time and support each other. The consistency is comforting and after my ex, I always appreciate it.

I have experienced both but not in a good way.

My childhood was chaos caused by immature, competitive and, I suspect, personality disordered parents who constantly violently argued and fought, followed by days of toxic silence in the house. Then they would make up until the cycle began again.

My first boyfriend who had mental issues delighted in picking drunken arguments and winding me up by letting me down, stealing from me, cheating on me and in his words 'treating me mean to keep me keen'.

The next relationships were with emotionally unavailable men who kept me at arms length so the relationships were calmer but emotionally withering. I ended up marrying a cold fish, who wouldn't argue and used stonewalling and avoidance to avoid conflict. However he was also chronically passive aggressive so was sticking it to me in sly ways. He looked calm and serene. I was constantly angry and cranky at being manipulated and thwarted. Relationship looked calm but was very toxic leaving me with cptsd and stockholm syndrome.

Lots of therapy and one short term toxic relationship later I found my current partner. Omg what a difference. Arguments are minor and resolved by talking. I know he genuinely loves and cares about me. There is no hidden agenda at all. But it did take a couple of years for me to trust in his goodness. I was waiting for the 'bad' side to take over as all my relationships were okay at first. Give me a generally calm relationship any day. I am too old for drama.