DH not talking...

[ItsJustTheSoundOfSilence]

DH has shitty parents, he is NC with them now. They belittle everything he does.

His DW1 wasn't interested in DH, his hobbies, his interests etc. Even DSC say that their Mum is self absorbed. So when he says that she was never interested in him, I don't just think it's DH being bitter about his previous marriage.

Before he met me DH was single for 7 or 8 years, he has friends though none of them lived locally, DH often spent holidays and weekends alone, without contact with anyone else.

I think that as a result of all of the above DH doesn't share his feelings, he talks about his hobbies, interests and 'surface' things but never about anything deeper.

It's been a long year. We live in the countryside the two of us have been shut in the house together on and off for a year, with no-one else around and we have got on very well.

DH's workload and stress has increased dramatically. Whereas before he enjoyed his work now he is tired and grumpy. He never admits to being grumpy, instead if me or DSCs both adults point it out to him he says that we are calling him names .

I have been very ill and had an operation last year. Like an old car where the gearbox has gone my illness has led to other, more minor ailments too. I realise that the endless appointments and bedrest are a PITA though he won't talk about this either.

Lately he is utterly miserable, he is difficult to be around because he cannot say anything much that is positive, again, he won't talk about it. I wonder but I haven't mentioned this whether he is depressed.

I love him very much.
The problem is that he is often either silent or makes grumpy comments. I have asked him what is wrong, he always said that after his first marriage he wanted a relationship where he could be open and honest but he just won't talk to me about what is going on with him.

What do I do here?

Maybe see if you can sit him down one day specifically to talk, explain you're worried and care about him very much and would like to be there for him? My OH can be like this too, it can be very frustrating as he just says he's tired, he had an abusive childhood and I have read this can be common, being very distant/zoning out.
It sounds like you need some support here too though, with what's going on... maybe he's worrying about you, and with work, just stressed out? I hope you manage to talk OP, good luck and take care

@Ripley1977, I really appreciate that you have taken the time to reply. The fact that someone (you) understands has made me cry.

I'm so sorry that your OH can be like this. Do you find when he does it that you feel really alone? Or lonely? It's getting me down.

I have tried asking him but he says there's nothing wrong. If that's the case then why behave like this? I don't know how else to approach him, it's like tiptoeing towards a hungry lion.

If this is the way our marriage is going to be I can't see it lasting, which makes me desperately sad. One divorce is bad luck, two feels like utter failure.

How about not mentioning any negativity but cooking him something nice, perhaps giving him a cuddle and watching something together. Not pushing him to talk but feeling close to each other and hopefully perking him up and letting him know that he can talk if he wants to. Sometimes when one partner is down, the other will tiptoe around it and behave differently or become quite down too, whereas some people benefit from having someone to lift them.

Just as an example, when my DH is feeling low, he won’t offer affection and I used to feel really low and then we’d both end up depressed which helped no one. Instead, when he is low, I make the effort to be affectionate with him, to plan nice meals and take control so nice things continue to happen. This seems to help his mood and he’s down for far shorter periods now.

This is just a suggestion and may be something you’ve already tried but I really feel for both of you and hope you can find a way to deal with things. You both sound like really lovely people.

@Rgy3250999 DH does all of the cooking, he prefers it that way.

I've tried being chirpy and lifting the mood, nope nada.

As for settling down to watch something good that's part of the problem. Every evening we finish work, he cooks and we sit down to watch Netflix.

The cuddling bit? That's another thing that's a bit weird. DH has never been cuddly in bed, he gets sweaty really easily so he doesn't like it. I have tried to cuddle him at other times and he doesn't reject me outright but the cuddle is curtailed by him quickly, that's not the norm. Instead he's taken to grabbing bits of me, generally breasts and bum while I'm making a cup of tea, without cuddling or love it makes me feel uncomfortable and used. We aren't having sex very often and when we do it is quick.

To exacerbate this I've put on weight during lockdown (about a stone). I'm feeling self conscious and hideously unsexy.

Aw you're welcome, Its not a nice feeling at all and I do understand, you just feel completely shut out. Yes I do feel lonely sometimes. I did have a proper talk with him about it (and other things as he would be "off" with me but fine with the kids) he did take in what I'd said, I think he knew I'd got to the end of my tether though. How about when he says he's fine, then act as if that's exactly what he is and get on with your own things for now...I've started doing this and eventually things are ok, I dont always take things personally now like I used to. It doesn't sound like he's willing to talk at the moment, it's just as women it's so alien to us to just leave someone if we think something is wrong. I'd say if you can, concentrate on yourself for a bit, as you're still recovering, he might just not want to burden you as he knows how ill you've been. Men are another species I still dont understand them at 43!!