what do you do if your dh is possibly on the verge of a breakdown?

[namechangejustincase]

I think the title says it all.
dh is under increasing pressure in his job -he's a vicar and the parish and the sheer VENOM of a a lot of people in it are just wearing him down, making him unhappy....
And i just don't know what to do.

I'm sure there is more to say but I'm not sure what.

it doesn't help that i'm not in a great place emotionally -always had battles with depression, and having had 2 miscarriages this year, am in a vulnerable place but trying to be so strong.... But this isn't about me - although I just want to curl up and cry about the whole lot

Oh sweetheart I've had 2 m/c this year too, so I know a tiny bit of how you're feeling, and your dh must be sad about that as well as what's going on with his work. Do you want to say a bit more?

Can you get away? Take some time just away from it all? I'm not suggesting a holiday is the cure for depression, nothing as glib as that, but sometimes not being in nthe middle of something can help one get perspective.

You can't fix him though, although of course you can be supportive, is there anyone above him (is there a bishop or something, apols, my knowledge of the employment structure in this stuff is gleaned from Joanna Trollope novels!) who is responsible for his pastoral care?

Am so sorry to hear this. Would your DH go to the GP? It sounds like he needs some help, and early intervention would be better.

Also is there anyone (don't know who a vicar's boss would be) higher up in the church who he could unburden himself to? It sounds like he is having areally hard time and could do with some help there.

Unfortunately you can't change his work situation, but being there for him and him knowing you love him will count for a lot. SO sorry to hear abour your miscarriages, its no wonder the two of you are so down.

JUst keep telling him you love him and are proud to be his dw.
If nothing else youve got eachother.

There are people he could poss go to (bishop? archdeacon?) but last week he said he's wait until next week... I think he should have made an app - it could be ages before he can be fitted in?! AAARRRGGGHHH.

The parish we are in is full of people who have their own empires, are not good at team playing and just cannot bear change. Oh and who like to blame things on him cos he is a vicar and he is young....

he is decided that he is not taking any of the services tomorrow... he is going off to another church tomorrow. i'm not sure if that's positive or not......

on thats rotten for you , I always recommend sharing with your GP just chatting to someone prefessional can be a huge help xxx

Oh Namechange - feeling for you and echoing what the others have said. I was very close to someone who had a breakdown and it is a very very difficult situation to be in. Sometimes you cannot prevent what might happen, and as Haych says, just emphasise that you are there for him whatever. There is life the other side of such a stressful situation, and you will come through it together. It's soooo sad to read of the parish situation, and how folks can hurt each other so.

However, you could book an appointment with your GP to chat things through, and it would be well worth alerting someone with pastoral care of your dh that you are concerned that he needs more support. If he can talk to someone, or at least know that doors are open to him to talk when he needs to, then that is a safety valve for him.

Getting him out of that stressful parish situation for breaks, even just a couple of hours a week, can be invaluable too. Can you talk to your husband and say that you are concerned about him, and get a regular slot in his diary for a countryside walk/trip to a cafe/art gallery together. Avoid theatre/cinema or anything with emotional content. Even TV (and music, we found) can be additionally stressful and induce panic feelings.

I'll see if I can remember anything else. In the meantime, can we pray for you both on the Christian prayer thread?

Going off to another church sounds a brilliant idea to me. It will be good to be with people who are behaving normally and not into power struggles. Some people just get trapped into behaviour patterns and cannot see themselves how destructive they are being.

Can he book a retreat soon too? Even a day away in a prayerful and supportive community could help him to have a different perspective on things . . .

Is there no-one on the PCC he can talk to about this? What about the Churchwardens or the Rural Dean? It must be hideous for you both at present, he needs some professional back-up in the Deanery, fast.
Who will be taking tomorrow's services if he is not there? I think what I'm trying to say is, can someone sympathetic (NSM, Curate, whatever) cover for him, or is his absence possibly going to give the gossips more fuel
Someone I'm very fond of has a dh at theological college right now and I know she views the prospect of being a vicar's wife with a lot of anxiety. I really feel for you.
I'm so sad your parish isn't supporting you both as it's obvious you personally are also having a rotten time at the mo
They should thank their lucky stars to have a young priest with fresh ideas tbh

Notquitegrown up - yes, thanks prayer on the prayer thread would be good.
I suggested a retreat yesterday and he seemed keen on the idea..... I'll keep pestering

he's gone inot london for dinner with a parishioner (a nice one) who frequents rather posh restaurants, so that shouls be a nice evening for him.

I think i'm going to send him on his own to the other church tomorrow- it will do him good not to have to worry about me and dd.

I'm not going near coffee at church - where i might see some of the NASTY people who have caused extra probs today (a forum about an issue in the church) - i'll stick to your normal service where dd can have a good time.

marina - he has a curate but the curate is covering at another church tomororw. a lay reader is going to do the services from reserved sacrament. Not sure what will be said, but frankly he doesn;t care at the moment.

they gave him the job precisely cos he is young with fresh ideas. and he has made it so that it is very good for famileis now, where before children mums and young children hada fairly rough time of it....but the old folk HATE it. And actually, i think i wouldn't be far wrong to say they hate him

Message withdrawn

Our parish has gone through a similar transformation, although not without difficulties from some of more established folk (cant say too much on a public forum). Fortunately the majority of them can see that church attendance has nearly tripled in 3 years, mostly due to families being attracted to the new, more livelier, style of worship.

So, are the PCC backing him? Or are the troublemakers there as well? Our PCC has also been transformed and is now a nice mix of old and new. However when I first stood for the PCC (we had 1 more candidate than vacancy), I didn't get elected, in favour of more established members. I was one of the first of the "newbies" on there...

It sounds like your DH WILL have supporters in the congo, if he is making such a difference (and I'm sure he is). Maybe they need to get vocal as well.

I don't live a million miles from Trumpington either - now THAT IS a troubled place! (results of ecclesiastical tribunal still not known!).

Will add you both to my prayers...

one of the church wardens's term is up next year and (if he stays here - yes he really is feeling like he might jack it in ) the person who will most likely take over (at the mo is deputy cw) has been a big part of the problem at the moment - being very confrontational over something (her empire) that dh suggested might need looking at (i think a lot of people think it's ok for him to intervene in areas of church life as long as it's not their own one - grr).

he does have supporters - some really lovely people. but i think the thing is that the trouble makers, the "old gurard" who think it is THEIR church, and must stay in the past, are a lot more vocal.....

As an aside, but to show some of what it is like - i know the older members really disapprove of the fact that I don't take communion (i'm not even baptised.... I'm sure they'd rather i just did all that without thinking about what i believe- and i am working hard on getting somewhere with my own faith - just because thast is what you do), and a friend heard comments at a recent church fete along the lines of "in the old day the vicar would have had a stall, and his wife too".

aaarrrgggghhhhhh.

If he's going to stay, maybe he'll have to think about subtly ASKING people to support him. Is there someone who your husband would rather see as CW, and maybe get them to stand in opposition? Are all your husband's supporters on the electoral roll, should it come to an election? Would they be willing to turn out to vote the right candidate in?

Sounds awful, acting in this way, but if it makes his life easier... I know he wants to get on with his "real" job, that of serving God and the community, but if this helps him DO that...

I used to be quietly supportive, but now where it matters I MAKE MY VOICE HEARD.

I'm training as a Reader, and it seems my life is up for public perusal/criticism as well. Like "you're not going to have a SECOND glass of wine are you?" at a church function (I'd been training a month at that point). And the member of the congo who reported to the vicar that I'd had an argument (that never happened, it wasn't even a discussion/debate!) with another member of the ministry team. And a few other things besides.

I think the criticising of the vicar's wife seems to happen everywhere. Its tough I know, but I think the only way you're both going to get through this is to try not to let it bother you (says she who told our vicar "If that's ministry you can stick it!" after letting things bother me ).

If you want to chat offline, you can email me - sutton mb (no space) at talktalk dot net. Not sure I'd be a great deal of use, but if it helps...

Take care and God bless...

Talking of blessings, I found this one, from the Iona community:

May you never become cynical
May you never become jaded
May you never lose heart
May you never let the b***ds get you down
May you never lose faith

May you see light and good in everyone
May you remain open to wonder and mystery
May you stand firm in the assault of the powers that be
(shielded with the armour of God
and a good sense of humour)
May you stay rooted in hope
Amen

There are times when you sit behind the computer just quietly saying "Oh God, oh God". Just crying out on behalf of a dear sister going through the mill. Thank the Lord you felt you could come on here.
There you are, two miscarriages behind you, in a highly critical environment (as if you weren't feeling enough that you are letting everybody down and your body is letting you down) and you have not even got the comfort of being able to take communion or of knowing for certain that, whoever else doesn't, God loves you more than you can tell. You see more hate than love in the people of God around you, why would you want to know about a God who turns out 'Christians' like that?
I heard an interview with the new Dean of Northampton on the radio this morning and I would wish someone wise and caring like him on you.
The thing that most appealed in Mary's prayer was don't let the b...s get you down.

Thoughts. {{{{{hugs}}}} Prayers. Chocolate. Smiles. Think a retreat is a fabulous idea - Wish there was more I could say; but here for you. xx

As someone who has being going with ds to a new toddler group at a church (don't regularly go otherwise, except xmas really)can i firstly say how wonderful it is and how much we both love it, a shared opinion by many of the mums and toddlers that go. I'm sure the families in your parish that have started to attend regularly feel this way too.

Don't know really what to suggest about your dh, except to keep talking about his feelings to you and close friends, gp sounds good as does his superior.

I suppose there will always be people like you have mentioned who like to bitch, if they're not doing it about you, it will be about someone else

In a simialr situation I took DH to the GP on an emergency appointment. I insisted he go and I would take him. He was not keen. The GP was great and told him most of the men in his situation have their wives bring them in. Good luck - I know it is tough

and what did the GP suggest cece??

He put him on Anti depressants and suggested he change his job! He was made redundant a few months back and is so much better for it although the worry about lack of job sometimes rears its head!

How are things now?

argh.
sorry not been back to this. thought things were a bit better, but they're not.
Yup it's Sunday which meant church and things went wrong. dh gone on retreat now for few days.
anyone about???
MaryBS i may take you up on that and may email later on...

My father, (now deceased at age 91) was an Anglican clergyman, and some of what you say familiar. Parishes can be very difficult indeed, and the role of a clergyman is very stressful.

It would be most useful, if he could link up with an older, even retired, clergyman, with no authority relationship to him, in whom he could confide.

Other than that find a counsellor who is sympathetic/ok with church allegience:-

www.wpf.org.uk/

would be a good place to start.

if you cannot persuade him to go (cos he feels a failure? is worried that he might be told he is in the wrong job? )

Worth going yourself, as if you have better support you can give him more support.