Depressed partner says he is homesick

[Ilovewolfblass]

My partner of nearly 12years has depressions and has had prior to meeting me. We live together and have a 5year old son. After seeing each other for a year he moved in with me, I lived 35mins from him. We now both own a house which is about 30mins from his original address. My partner still mainly works in his home town. Although he has lived here for 11years, he is now saying he is depressed because he misses his home town - despite working there 3-4days a week. He regularly sees his family, but his hometown friends ignore him and he has struggled to make friends here. He has asked if I’d move to his hometown, i have said no as he describes it as a “shit hole”. I also have a very good job where we live and our child is in school.

I dont think if he lived back in his hometown he’d be any happier. He has depression and works there 3-4days a week. I also dont think a 30min drive is massive if he was to arrange to do something socially. I’ve even offered to drive him so he can have a drink.

My partner is now saying I dont care about the fact he is unhappy as i am not doing anything to improve his happiness. Like moving. His depression is worse than ever and its difficult to be in his company as he is miserable. He also just doesnt talk to me that much or be nice to me. He refuses to take anti-depressants and is currently on a waiting list for remote therapy. However, he has had therapy before and it usually makes him angry.

How can i rid him of his homesickness without moving? He thinks homesickness gone and he’ll be nicer to me. However, i don't.

How can he become happier without moving?

He has been depressed for many years and i think its selfish and unfair on me and his son he isnt getting treatment. I know the therapy may start soon, but think he opted for this as he knew it would take months for an app. Plus he’s gone the therapy route before so am bracing for the post session anger.

Please advise on how you manage a depressed partner.

Definitely do not move. Encourage him to the GP and perhaps to reach out to his old mates. But that's all you can do. Living with a depressed partner is awful I know from experience.

I think he needs to get on top of his depression and stop blaming you for it. He needs to take his prescribed medication.

What's your gut feeling here? Do you believe he is genuinely clinically depressed or do you think he's just saying that in order to make you feel guilty and get his own way.?

Goodness, I opened your thread expecting your DP to be from another country, not another town up the road. One where he works every week.

You can not rid him if his homesickness nor his depression. It was there before you came along.

He is fixating on where he lives as the cause of his depression. That "If we move, all will be OK". But it won't be. He will then find another reason for his depression. Probably you.

You have a good job where you are and your ds is in school. Do not give up any of your financial independence, especially as you are not married.

Have you asked him about what would happen if you do sell up and move but the depression/ homesickness doesn't improve?

He is 100% clinically depressed. I’ve attended GP apps with him where he answers a series of questions and they give him a score grading his depression. However, i dont think moving will un-depress him.

I want him to be happier but cant see how too. I’ll try to get him to go the docs again with a view to medicating.

@CagneyNYPD

Goodness, I opened your thread expecting your DP to be from another country, not another town up the road. One where he works every week.

You can not rid him if his homesickness nor his depression. It was there before you came along.

He is fixating on where he lives as the cause of his depression. That "If we move, all will be OK". But it won't be. He will then find another reason for his depression. Probably you.

You have a good job where you are and your ds is in school. Do not give up any of your financial independence, especially as you are not married.

Have you asked him about what would happen if you do sell up and move but the depression/ homesickness doesn't improve?

He doesnt answer as he says i wont move so there is no point.

What's the point of moving back if his friends there don't want anything to do with him?

You can't fix him. He has to fix himself.

I've been depressed. I did take it out on my DH. But I did also get help and make positive changes in my life, like take medication etc.

He has made the decision that moving will help him. He can move whenever he wants. But you and DC are settled and will be staying where you are.

Did his depression get worse when your DC was born by any chance? I'm wondering if he is missing his old, carefree life. This is where my depression began, so that's what I'm wondering. Even if he does move back home, there is no guarantee that he will be able to slip back into his old life.

But it is for him to work through and figure that out. Not you.

He is fixated on moving as a cure for his depression. You are right to say you are not moving as it is unlikely to make him better.

You say his friends have nothing to do with him....even though he goes there to work 3-4 days per week. So either he is making no effort to keep up with his old friends, or they ignore him for other reasons. Either way, this isn't going to miraculously change just because he moves back .
It's ridiculous to claim "homesickness" for a place which is 30 minutes away and which he spends part of every week in. He needs to grow up. No sympathy , sorry.

@Flowerclock

You can't fix him. He has to fix himself.

I've been depressed. I did take it out on my DH. But I did also get help and make positive changes in my life, like take medication etc.

He has made the decision that moving will help him. He can move whenever he wants. But you and DC are settled and will be staying where you are.

Did his depression get worse when your DC was born by any chance? I'm wondering if he is missing his old, carefree life. This is where my depression began, so that's what I'm wondering. Even if he does move back home, there is no guarantee that he will be able to slip back into his old life.

But it is for him to work through and figure that out. Not you.

In addition to his depression he suffers from fatigue and about 2years ago began experiencing joint pain. He got worse 2 years ago. He really enjoys our son. So him losing his “free life” wasnt a thing.

He seems to get ill and feel any illness more than me, this causes him extra unhappiness and if i am honest, aggravates me, as he often doesn’t do what he’ll say he’ll do.

I agree

It sounds absolutely miserable for you OP. I’m struggling to see why you embarked on a relationship.

If he moves it will be on his own.

Why do t his old friends speak to him?

One he lent money to, so he avoids him as he cant pay him bk.

Another he did a job for and the friend thinks he overcharged him. So there was a massive kick off and now he wont assist with maintenance.

The rest, have moved geographically themselves or have just become more family orientated. Plus he wont go on facebook.

Just reading about him is making me tired. He must be horrible to live with. I would send him back to his hometown to be miserable on his own.

Honestly? I'd leave him. You don't need to be dragged down by someone else's depression. Your child doesn't need to be dragged down by it either.

Free yourself OP. You are allowed to leave a relationship which isn’t making you happy. It sounds like living in a grey fog of someone else’s creation. Every single day.