Can "the spark" develop?

[lucy5236]

So I've been on 2 really nice dates with a guy who seems lovely, he's funny, seems interested in me and when I look at him, I do think he's good looking.

However, despite all of this, it feels like more of a friends vibe to me...

We seem compatible, get on really well but despite me thinking he's good looking I don't know that I fancy him.

I don't know if part of my problem is that I'm expecting there to be instant chemistry like I've had in the past. However, anytime I've had initial fireworks, it's never lasted long term.

Has anyone met some men and the "spark" has developed over time?

As I say, it's only been 2 dates....

In my experience no - I was dating some that was lovely, good looking, good in bed. But it was missing something and I knew I would never be ‘in love’. I had to end it but it did continue longer than it should have.

Yeah, me! I didn't particularly fancy my (now) bf initially but somewhere along the line I realised he is gorgeous and I couldn't get enough. Even if that doesn't happen for you, if you enjoy his company, it's all good for now?

Speaking as someone who is 61 and has had several very serious relationships and some serious, but not major, I’d say no. Passion fades, it doesn’t grow. We need ‘chemistry’ between us to keep the ‘fires burning’ as the years go by, or there is a danger of finding ourselves in the sister/brother, sister/sister dynamic. That is soul destroying eventually.

I think it can if you have a friendship that develops into more but I wouldn't date someone until it was there.

If the spark isn’t there initially it never will be

If you generally enjoy spending time with him and he's a nice guy, I think it's worth giving it time to see what happens.

When I met dh, I definitely wasn't physically attracted to him. I mean, there is nothing 'wrong' with him, but he really just was not my type at all, actually probably the complete opposite. We really had fun together (as friends initially) and he was really nice and I found him easy to talk to and we had similar interests. But if you had told me back then that we'd end up dating and married, I would have fallen off my chair laughing at how ridiculous that sounded. It took about 2 months and even after that, even though I obviously wanted to be dating him, I was still a little bit like, 'really?'. 12+ years on, I'd definitely say he is very much my type and there is a lot of spark there.

I realised later I think that what I'd often thought was the 'spark' was just drama and mind games that felt exciting at the time. When I actually met someone decent who was genuinely into me, I think I didn't quite see it at first.

I think that if there is potential which it sounds like there is, 2 dates in is too early to tell whether there's definitely no spark. Whether a spark can develop where there is decidedly none is another matter but I wouldn't write this off just yet. Especially if your last 2 dates were covid type outdoor in the cold, distanced or walking dates which aren't really the most passionate setting.

I’d say the spark has to be there at the beginning but then I’m divorced with current relationship in crisis so what do I know!

I do know someone who is married fo someone (for 10 plus years) she was friends with him for many years before they got together, so there you go. See what happens!

Thanks everyone! I think my problem is that he's 'nice' and in the past I've always felt a much stronger attraction to the bad boy type!!

Frustrating as I always think I need to avoid the bad boy type and give a nice one a chance!

Apart from seeming like a lovely guy and being funny I do think he's good looking, I just don't get butterflies....

@Itsprobablynothingbut

I think that if there is potential which it sounds like there is, 2 dates in is too early to tell whether there's definitely no spark. Whether a spark can develop where there is decidedly none is another matter but I wouldn't write this off just yet. Especially if your last 2 dates were covid type outdoor in the cold, distanced or walking dates which aren't really the most passionate setting.

Covid dating could be a big part of it too I suppose, e.g. we've not kissed or anything along those lines and it has felt slightly awkward

I understand what you’re saying. For me I think part of the ‘spark’ was the excitement of dating people where I didn’t know where I stood, where it was up and down, and they maybe didn’t treat me that well which kept me interested. I’ve been with my partner for years, and we still fancy each other, have a lot of sex, have a lot of fun together, and always have a lot to say but there wasn’t that initial ‘spark’ necessarily. And he contacted me regularly, arranged dates regularly, cooked for me etc I wasn’t left with an up and down ‘where is this going’ tumultuous passionate thing. However looking back, I think the other ‘sparks’ would have fizzled after years together because they weren’t stable, we would have run out of stuff to say etc and it was all physical nothing else behind it really

I felt like you did when I met my husband OP. My first impression was ‘very nice but not for me’ and I was under the impression the spark had to be there straight away. I’m really glad I stuck with it and proved myself totally wrong. I pinch myself when I look at him now, I can’t believe I have such an amazing man all to myself, we’ve been married 3.5 years and due our first baby later this year. I’ve honestly never been so happy, nor did I think I ever would be. I was always going for men there was a spark with straight away, but the spark was really them being a dickhead and playing mind games with me from the off.

I’d say give it a couple more dates and see him in some more normal places. You never know how it will turn out. The initial spark really isn’t the be all and end all. Nor do we need to settle for dwindling passion as one poster has suggested. The passion I feel for my husband has grown every day and I’m totally in love with him.

I agree with @mindutopia previously to my current relationship I had that 'spark' initially but it was because I was going for 'bad boy' types who had all the charisma and knew how to turn it on and get you to fall for them.

My current BF is v different to any of them, we were friends first and I would never have seen us dating at all as I didn't fancy him and didn't see him in that way. When he first asked me out I was hesitant as I couldn't see there being a spark or physical attraction.

I agreed to go on a date as I liked him as a friend and didn't want to upset him, as soon as we kissed I realised that actually there really was an attraction there for me which has grown and developed and feels so much more genuine and long lasting than the 'instant chemistry' with the charmers in my past.

If you like him OP then worth giving it a little longer and see how you feel when you kiss him. That's the only way to really tell for me

I also agree with mindutopia and have a fairly similar story, friends for 6 months with no intention of taking it any further and didn't fancy him in the slightest. But over time I realised that everything I ever wanted in a man was literally stood in front of me. He's just the most lovely, decent man I know (other than my dad!).
I also wonder if Elenacampana has a point, and what I mistook for a 'spark' previously was just them keeping me on my toes whilst they waited for someone better to come along.
2 dates is nothing, you're not stringing him along if you give yourself a bit more time with him. And if nothing comes of it in the end, you won't ever wonder what might have been.

@Sunflower1970

If the spark isn’t there initially it never will be

I don't agree. Whilst I've never had this nor do I understand it, I have lots of friends who ended up totally in love with someone who started out as a purely platonic friend. I don't understand it but I accept it happens for some people

Something can develop over time but I wouldn't call it a 'spark'. Clue is in the name as it just hits you like an electric shock.

Doesn't mean that you can't gradually grow to love someone, that happens too for many happy couples, but 'spark' to me is that Instant chemistry plus feeling like you've always known them kind of thing.

I think this is it!!

I've not got the "will he text?", "does he like me?", "does he only want sex?", "is he a player?" Vibes that I'm so used to.

No constantly checking for texts etc. As I just fe quite relaxed and calm about it all. Its bit like me 😂

So nice to hear all the stories though - thank you!

I didn't fancy DH initially and didn't really want to date him, but he grew on me and one day the spark was there and I fell in love. Sounds very unglamorous but that's how it happened. Someone I had an instant spark with turned out to be the wrong one

I didn't get an instant spark with DH, although I really liked him as a person. It was more of a slow burner but I agree it's because he wasn't messing me about, he was just straightforward and reliable and honest and treated me with huge respect from the start.
Been together 9 years now and those qualities make him an incredible husband and father to our kids. He has never made me cry and I don't miss the drama one bit.

First time I met my DH I found him attractive, I fancied him a little but nothing to stop me in my tracks. I think it was about 2 weeks later, he looked and me and said something and it turned my insides to mush and from then on I fancied the pants off him. Five years later I honestly think I fancy him more and more as time goes by. For me I've never fancied someone on first sight as they need to have personality too. It usually develops but I will know if there's the potential for it to develop or not. There has to be something there.

I think there has to be a hint of it initially .

Another slow burn here. DH totally not my 'type' in any way. He was the guy at work that made me laugh a bit and was good to go to the pub with. Christmas party 'one off' totally booze based resulted in some fairly decent one night stand drunken sex which made me re evaluate how I saw him but and develop into a fwb situation but it then took another 6 months for that to turn into a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. I never had a wobble about whether he'd call or if he was interested.

It wasn't just the sex though (that has always been consistently good) it's more that I started to prefer his company to anyone else. Now 20 years later he irritates the shit out of me 50% of the time but he is still the person who makes me laugh and who I can be myself with the most. And still good sex and I still get a bit of a flutter at his arms and other bits further south.