Is my relationship with DH doomed?

[dejags]

I haven't posted in a while because life has been very busy but I do log on everday and skim through the postings.

I was hoping some of you mumsnetters might have some constructive advice re. my situation.

DH and I have been together for 10 years and married for four. During the 10 years things have been either very very good or very very bad and I am afraid that we have hit a very very bad stage. I started a new job in March and have settled in really well, I love my job and one of the perks is an in-house gym and free personal training. I go most days and in the six months have lost all baby weight and then some and without wanting to sound vain I look much better than I did post-baby. I have also stopped for a drink with my colleagues on 2 occasions (in six months) which in itself isn't a problem but DH sees this as a betrayal to DS (???)

We had been trying for a second baby but I was recently given more responsibility at work (about a month ago) and this made me have a rethink and I told DH that I wanted to put that on hold - he replied well if that's the case then you can be sure we will never have another child. He is very absolute.

Anyway the whole situation came to a head last night at a friends birthday do - we were in a pub/club and I was with my girlfriends on the dancefloor having a good time - evidently some bloke was behind me making some "gestures", I didn't see this happen. Next thing I know hubby had disappeared, leaving me on my own to get home. When I finally did get home he started calling me names and saying that I was sleeping around and that I had groped this guy in front of him, which is all utter rubbish!

This morning things got totally out of hand and we actually ended up swinging for one another - he really hurt me but I can't complain because it was me who hit him first because I was so frustrated with him lying about me (his mother lives with us so she obviously thinks I am a raving slag).

DH has stormed out, I feel as if I just want to get out but don't want to give up on 10 years just because this may be a passing phase....

Any ideas or advice would be most welcome.

Thanks in advance
Dejags

Dear Dejags

I think perhaps your various successes have made your husband insecure in your relationship and a little resentful.

It is very ironic that he does not appreciate what most other men want their partners to do post-birth (I don't mean the sleeping around accusations).

It is difficult to give up what you have achieved in so little time and I think you need to reassure him that he and your little one still come first. If he knew most new mothers stay fat for over a year and don't dance in public (only to teletubby videos!!!) He may be proud of your achievements too.

It is totally unacceptable for him to hit you, no matter who started it. Men are physically far more able to damage their partners than we are. I have kicked DH once and hurt my foot so badly he felt sorry for me.

I hope you find the above coherent, and whilst I don't have experience of your problem, I am sure you will be able to show your husband that you do prioritise your life together too.

Ooh yes, he sounds threatened all right. Do you think he wants you to have another baby RIGHT NOW so that he will feel he 'has' you? IYSWIM? I mean that if you are pregnant you will be very obviously his and unavailable to other men etc.

It sounds to me as if you've done nothing wrong and your life is going well but he can't cope with this new shiny, confident, slim you and is convinced that you will choose someone else rather than staying with him. So it's his low self esteem/insecurity that is causing the problem by the sound of it.

I think physical violence is ALWAYS unacceptable and never mind that you hit him first. You shouldn't have done it either (but you know that, sorry to come across like your mum!) but I understand why you were angry. Being accused of something you haven't done is infuriating. IMO It is NOT a betrayal of your ds to go for a drink twice in six months, that sounds like an obstacle made up by your DH to me.

I agree, you need to sit down and talk to him about this properly (without his mum there) and get to the bottom of his insecurity. And it doesn't sound as if your relationship is completely doomed, 10 years is a long time and you say it has been very very good sometimes. HTH.

If it makes you feel better Dejags, I slapped DH the other week after he had driven me to the edge. He didn't hit me back though.
As for the rest of your problem, I'm afraid I'm at a loss. I don't understand the creatures at all.

dejags, take a look at this
I understand that tempers can get frayed and blow up into one-off massive confrontations, but it's a bit concerning, some of the other stuff, like imagined flirting and leaving you stranded.
This webpage is just one person's idea but is very thought provoking. I would be concerned if this was a repeating pattern of behaviour.
Best of luck.