End of Relationship - Work Difficulties

[TaraPumpkin]

Hi all,
I’ve recently come out of a five year relationship which has affected me greatly. I’ve found the past two months very difficult with lack of sleep, a wandering mind and lack of motivation. My work has suffered too. I was due to do a report this week but In in my depressed state I didn’t and at the time didn’t care. That’s so unlike me so just shows how low and distracted I am at the moment. My boss emailed this weekend asking where it was and when he would receive it. I haven’t responded yet but know I’m in the wrong and I’ve let him down. We don’t really get on and he has recently been promoted from being on the same level as me to my boss. I’m quite a private person and like to keep my home life seperate from work. I’m struggling to focus on my job and know how important it is to me, with mortgage and a difficult job market out there at the moment we’re into lose it. After receiving my boss’s email I’ve thought that maybe I should call them on Monday to apologise but also to explain what’s going on in my life at the moment. I’d prefer not to do this but I’m starting to think it may be for the best. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Sorry you're going through this. I think it's tough because you don't have a good relationship with your boss but I agree you need to explain the situation. If your boss is not supportive I would suggest getting signed off work for a bit so you can take a bit of time. Is there anyone else in the team you do have a good relationship with who you could look to as an ally? I think better to be open about the situation early rather than let things deteriorate over time. If you have been a good worker and reliable up to now you would hope they would give you the benefit of the doubt even if your boss isn't that understanding.

Can you do it this weekend?

I'm sorry, but I think it's poor to just not do the work that was due this week. Presumably you took the wages.

I manage staff. I'd be most unimpressed if you phoned me on Monday to tell me you hadn't done a report that was due and to explain to me all about your private life and relationship breakup.

Obviously you may need to, to explain why you haven't done the work, but I'd be wanting to know what your plan was. Are you intending to see a GP? Get signed off? Put in extra hours to write the report? You can't just keep ignoring him. But you need to have a plan for what your suggestion is for where you go now.

That sounds harsh I know, but you seem to have spent the week burying your head in the sand about work, and you need to be clear about what you want from your boss.

Thanks both for your thoughts. Dogfan I appreciate your kind words and you are right, it’s best to say something now then let it continue to deteriorate over time. I haven’t missed a deadline before and my reviews have always been excellent so hopefully they’ll realise this isn’t the norm and providing I don’t do it again, all should be ok hopefully.

MadMad, it does sound a bit harsh but you are right. I haven’t been giving work my all and I’m still getting paid my usual salary. My company has struggled during lockdown so it’s not fair on them. I’ll apologise and say I’ll have it with them on Monday. Haven’t decided yet whether I’ll mention anything thing about my situation. Think I’ll sleep on it!

Tara I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through 💐

I know all workplaces differ, but in mine, there would be great sympathy for someone dealing with this.

Two months is quite long, so given that you are still struggling, I would explain to your boss. There is no need to go into excessive detail, but unless your boss is devoid of emotions, he will have empathy.

That said, it's also a good idea to have a plan for change. I would be encouraging my staff to avail of our Employee Assistance Scheme. Do you have something similar? This provides for a number of free counselling sessions.

It may also be that you would benefit from time off?

Regarding the report, clearly that's not ok. I would totally understand if one of my team explained their reasons for not doing it. However, I think you need to make it clear if you are able to do the report, and are you sure it won't happen again?

If you feel you can't do some parts of your job, you need to be honest about this and consider time off.

As a manager I would be keen to support a team member, once I could see they were genuinely wanting to addres this.

I hope things improve soon.

From what you have described this has been a significant life event. Being able to work with focus, attention and purpose is what we all endeavour to manage. However, as a Manager I talk to staff often about being clear and honest if there are life changing issues that actually really mean that they are not able to function.
If you can't do the job then you shouldn't be at work ~I would hope that we could plan a return to work that means that you would be emotionally healthy and productive. If this meant you took sick leave for a period of time I would understand.
In any workplace at any time there are going to be individuals who are struggling with loss in one form or another ~that is an absolute.
Communication and honesty are fundamental in working out a sensible, practical and sustainable work plan.

Everything I say is kindly meant OP.

I echo what others have said. The break up is clearly a significant life event for you that has impacted your ability to work effectively. In effect you are suffering from grief at the end of a long term relationship. It is like a bereavement and you need time to adjust.

I think you should have a brief, honest conversation with your manager. Explain your situation and apologise for the lack of report. Give a revised time line for producing the report only if you know you are able to do it. If you haven’t enough concentration to do the report - be honest and say so too. Avoid letting your manager down again.

I think you must get a doctors appointment and take time off work to come to terms with the break up. I don’t think you’re fit for work at the moment.

You also need to develop a plan (possibly a radical one) of what you want out of life. Be entirely selfish. Is your job fulfilling? Do you want to do something different? Do you like where you live? Are there any new hobbies you’ve always wanted to do? This might involve a change of job, home etc. Changes won’t happen over night but your plan will be something positive to focus on whilst you work through post break up sadness.

I hope this helps.

Hi @TaraPumpkin

You've had a really tough time, be self compassionate

Take some annual leave for a week or however long you need (tell boss you've had a serious family issue - you don't need to get into all the details). If he won't let you take it, arrange appointment with GP ASAP and make clear you're not coping and get time off sick with stress. You're not in a fit state to work right now which is understandable and only going to make yourself and your job prospects worse if you don't give time to recover.