Why am I such a fool?

[Whattodonow6322]

Why do I trust men? I have been separated over 2 years & just seem to keep meeting men who I stupidly believe to be genuine only to find out that r all just liars.

The latest one I met through tinder started chatting 1st Nov, had our 1st date beginning of December. Then, due to Covid restrictions we didn’t met again until one month ago but carried on chatting all that time on WhatsApp.

This past month we have met as often as we could & I even took him out for his birthday last week & got him a small present & cake. The next morning got a message that he is worried due to work he won’t be fair to me as he will be really busy & not sure how we will date. Lost of messages this week about he knows he will regret it but he doesn’t want to be a bad person.

I keep saying well let’s say good bye then but he won’t just say it. I keep hoping he will contact me to talk about it but so far hasn’t. I know I should just block him but I believed the things he said me - stupid I know. Why oh why do I believe it all?

Not sure what advice I am expecting but just so fed up at the moment.

You say goodbye then...

Op find somebody who is worth your time

It's shit. They like the drama. They want you to chase. Don't do that. Just say OK and block. Otherwise it/he willess with your head and you're worth more than that.

I do know that is exactly what I need to do - take control & end it myself.

I just keep thinking of all the things he did in the past month & what he said. I know it is stupid to let him get to me but I really thought this time I had met a good one!

You're not a fool!!

You go into each situation trusting the person and hoping it will work out. Dont we all?

Keep the faith, theres good ones out there I promise x

It's all bullshit, he's not too busy, if someone goes on a dating site they know they are there to meet people, for whatever reason he's no longer interested. No need to end it with him, just end it in your own mind and move on..

Thanks just feel so stupid. I know it has only really been a month but we have been chatting since November & did first meet in December. I keep crying about it 😔

You're just disappointed OP that's all. It's normal especially at times like this when there isn't a lot going on to occupy your mind.

He's not too busy. If he was mad about you he would make time. I know it's hard but someome who deserves you will be along soon. You sound really nice. I'm sure he knows this and after the birthday cake he wanted to do the right thing and not waste your time.

Block him. And when you waiver and think something from him is better than nothing remember that he is just passing time with you but doesn't want you.

Thanks @Sillysandy u r most probably 100% right after this past year I suppose I finally thought I had met someone to spend time with & do fun things & now just feel really flat & disappointed. I must stay strong & realised I deserve better

OP - you barely know him and have only seen him a few times. So both of you may be good people, have good intentions and not work as a relationship. It takes time to get to the point of figuring it out when people meet. He must have got to that point.

He is probably just avoiding saying things directly to you as many people find those conversations too hard.
Not commendable, but hardly makes him and all men evil.

You sound upset and lonely. We all have had a difficult year. And it is of course, disappointing. But you also seem over dramatising. You can’t get overinvested too quickly with someone you just met and barely know.

Yes I am lonely. I have a difficult relationship with my mum especially when I was a child. I have had therapy & can see that basically I am constantly trying to fill a hole created by this.

I know I got over invested with him & it is stupid but sometimes we just can’t help how we feel.

You’re not a fool so dont be hard on yourself. You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince as they say! Its disappointing though I appreciate as you had invested hopes into him.

Have a good blub at a sad movie with some ice cream then draw a line and move on! Next!!

You have to be very wary about the value of words in text. They invoke an emotional world way beyond their reality.

The sender thinks (or not), adjusts the message to suit (or not), sends and how it's received at the other end lies mostly in the receiver's head. In real life people are easier to read. Their gestures, the air between you, nuances. People don't have the chance to edit themselves so comprehensively. If this relationship was 70% text messages. Then It was 70% illusion.

Secondly - when in the early days of a relationship met online. As soon as someone vacillates like this. Run/Dump. You are not at fault, but you probably do need to learn to self-protect and have some tough rules. That's not being 'untrusting' - it's called looking after yourself. Otherwise I would suggest - stay away from OLD. If fact if you are feeling needy (as we all do for periods in our life) OLD is the worst place to be. The worst!

This will pass, please do not take it to heart and see it for what it was and learn from it. All things have value if we learn from them. The lesson is not that you are 'a fool' but that OLD is tricky and you could do with some self - care and strength building going forward.

Thank u definitely do need a good cry. I am seeing an old school friend later on & know that will do me the world of good.

I think OLD is such a rubbish place. Tbh he wasn’t his messages as such but the way he acted when we were together. The thoughtful gestures - flowers, cleaned the interior of his car for our dates, he got a wine glass for his place for me as he didn’t have any, suggestions for future dates all from him.

Anyway, I do need to learn to keep up my barriers up but for reason I let this one in 😔

Aw OP those gestures do sound nice, I'm not surprised you are disappointed! Believe me, I've been there. OLD requires a thick skin. You don't know him. He just looked promising. He's only a guy and a better one will be along. Dust him off and cut all communication.

Thanks @Sillysandy I think that is the problem he seemed promising & I am just very disappointed 😞

It's natural to be disappointed.
With men, they lie and lie a lot. They'll say and do anything for sex.

You can assume they're all lying until they prove otherwise, over time.

You met once back in December. I guessing you stopped chatting with other men OLD. He most likely kept chatting to other women.

The gestures seem like the bare minimum something he would do anyway. Cleaning his car interior. Everybody does that. Buying a wine glass. He can trot that out for the next one saying the same thing he said to you.

I had a roommate one time who had the special gesture to an art. He'd bring a women back and the next morning he'd be up making steak and eggs for her, fresh flowers on the bench.

He'd bring a different woman and like clockwork same meal and flowers.

Delete and block him. Enjoy the time spent with your friend. 💐

Thanks @RantyAnty I have deleted him.

I think I have so much going on in my life that I completely over reacted. I suppose it was nice for someone to be nice to me for once. However, I didn’t really know him & had just over invested way too soon.

I had a great day with my friend & she reminded she is always there for me when I get overwhelmed in life. It hard being on your own, raising children (even though their dad is great & involved), running the house & working. Just sometimes I want a man to be there for me. However, I must not be desperate enough to accept one that isn’t worth it.