Stonewalling carry on - don't know what to do

[Dahlia5]

So we had a silly argument on Wednesday and since then my partner has been stonewalling me.
This used to happen in the past, but I could never stand it and always reached out to him after a couple of hours so we could get back to normal. I know it doesn't solve the problem so now I don't want to repeat the same scenario. I gave him a note yesterday that said it is soul destroying every time we don't interact, but I don't want to keep chasing him so can he please speak to me when he's ready. He hasn't yet and I'm feeling worse and worse. I'm 29 weeks pregnant and no friends or family around to call out as we relocated some time ago. I'm trying to keep busy, but really can't cope any more and not sure how long this will last. Any advice please.

Oh darling, this is not a man and this is not what you want from your life.

Did you relocate too far to get in the car and leave?

Stonewalling you is a form of emotional abuse.

How come you relocated away from family and friends?

Often in an abusive relationship the person will try to isolate you from friends and family, whether by driving a wedge or physically. Abuse often steps up in pregnancy as well.

I would consider your options to return to where you have a social network and support, whether that's temporarily for a visit and a think, or permanently.

This is so abusive. If he's reached adulthood and still carries on like this, particularly with a pregnant wife, then there's little hope for him.

I would be making plans to leave and bring up my child alone. He will always be abusive, and it's a shocking situation to bring a child into.

Was it his idea in the main to relocate?. Some abusive men do use relocation as a way of further isolating their chosen target from their main sources of support.

What category12 wrote and I would now make this a permanent separation. I never write such lightly but your child cannot to be raised in an abusive environment.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and now he is actively abusing you by doing this stonewalling/silent treatment behaviour.

I would seriously also consider giving this child your surname rather than his.

My closest friend is 5h drive and my family is overseas so can't really go there atm due to work commitments and don't want to risk catching covid by traveling that far and in 3rd trimester.
Just thinking if there's anything I can do right now? I really don't know what's going on in his head. I want to trust it's his way if coping with emotions and getting his head around but 4 days of this is a lot to handle and no end in sight

You need to get away from him and permanently. This is who he is and has been all along. Such men hate women, ALL of them.

He likely targeted you as well partly because your family are overseas.

You do not need to know what is going on in his disordered of thinking head; you cannot and should not try to fix or rescue him or be his unpaid therapist. You are too close to the situation to be of any real use to him, not that he wants your help and or support in any event. All you need to know is that he is abusive towards you and as a result the relationship is over.

I would suggest you contact Womens Aid asap; they can also help you here.

Oh it's awful OP. The worst feeling in the world.

If you can't go to any family or friends, could you check into a local hotel for a night or two? Just to get away from him so you can decide what to do next?
This won't get better. I mean he will talk to you eventually, when you've been sufficiently punished, but it won't be the last time.

You are a vulnerable women pregnant by an abusive man.

Your life is going to only get worse.

You have 11 weeks max to organise yourself.

He moved you away to isolate you.

Your pregnancy means he thinks you are stuck.

Contact Women's Aid for advice.

This is not a good man.

This is an abusive one.

Please don't bribg a baby back to that house.

Organise yourself.
Be brave.
Contact Women's Aid.
Look at your finances and organise them.

It's a form of control and it's abusive. It's taking up your head space thinking about how you can fix this but you can't fix what you didn't break. Worse still he will be enjoying your distress and would have loved your note. Time to cool off after an argument can help calm things down but do you really think it takes days? He will continue to ignore you for as long as you're upset because that's his reward. The PP who said men like this hate women is correct.

It will get worse, I speak from experience. I hope you find a way to leave and save yourself years of heartache.

You need to end this relationship and permanently. He is an abuser, end of. I would go back home to your family before the baby is born, as quickly as possible. Once the baby is born you may be stuck.

What happens if you turn around and tell him to grow the fuck up? That's what I'd do if my DP decided to sulk.

Sulking or stonewalling is abuse behaviour, abusers often ramp up when the woman is pregnant and he's already alienated you from your friends and family. Start to get your ducks in a row and leave him. It'll only get worse

Can anyone recommend any good couples counseling? He agreed to attend a couples therapy with me. I'm looking for something that can be attended via video calls.

You DO NOT attend couples counseling with an abusive man, ever. You get away. He is abusing you. Stay with him and soon he'll be abusing both of you

As pp says, joint counselling isn't a good idea where there is abuse.

Dear OP, I am so sorry that you are going through this and yes, I understand that rather than running away you would like to try and fix things with your husband. You could try couples counseling and see where it goes. But for those of us looking from the outside it is clear what kind of a person your husband is and what you should do.

I speak from my own experience, this is one of the things my husband does to me, giving me a silent treatment. It lasts days, weeks, once it lasted whole three months. It took me more than two decades to realize that this is a form of abuse and to decided to leave him. Please do not make a same mistake as me, leave while you are young and can easily rebuild your life alone or with someone else more worthy of your love. Take care and keep posting.