How to tell husband it's over?

[NeedSleepNow]

I've posted previously about the problems I've had at home with my husband. I feel we have grown apart, don't have anything in common anymore, there have been issues with finances and control but the main issue is his approach with our children. His relationship with our 10 year old is very strained. Our son feels that his dad doesn't love him and is a bully. Things are similar with our middle child. He has a great relationship with our youngest though. I have known for some time that the atmosphere at home is toxic and emotionally abusive and know I need to get out for our children's sake. I am just petrified of actually telling him. The final straw was seeing our eldest curled up on the floor in foetal position crying the other day after his dad shouted at him in his face and scared him. I know I need to do this for them but how do I actually tell my husband? He is very good at twisting things round to seem like the victim. I also worry that he will try for 50/50 time with the children to hurt me, when I'm reality he can't stand the day to day of family life.

I am thinking of asking a friend to come over one day this week and look after the kids so that my husband and I can go out somewhere to talk.

I just don't know how to tell him I would like to separate. The thought of doing this is making me feel so sick with worry but I know I need to. I think it's because I know he won't react well and the uncertainty of what will happen in the future that scares me.

If there is a chance that he could get violent when you tell him, I'd let the police know of your plans.
Have you spoken to women's aid for advice?

Are you planning to leave or do you want him to go? If the former, I wouldn't bother telling him, I'd just pack and go. If you want him to leave, do you think he'll dig his heels in? Do you own your home? It sounds like any kind of shared occupancy while you're trying to sell a house would be awful.
You do need to see a solicitor as soon as possible.

I don't think he'll get violent but I think he will get angry.

I would ideally want him to leave. I have no where to go really, our house is owned jointly (mortgage is in both names) and it is near my work and the children's school so it would make more sense for me & kids to stay and him to move out as he works from home full time so could work anywhere with internet access. I think he will refuse to go though.

Thatvis truly shocking and highly abusive.
For a child to revert to such a physical position is unbelievable.
The poor pet must have been terrified.

I second you contacting the police and looking for help to get him out.

He is terrorising the children and the home.

Contact Women's Aid for some advice but he should leave as he is terrorising his family.

Your children will be very damaged by him.

Please reach out for support to get him out.

Hey OP, I think your idea of going somewhere without the kids to tell him is a good one.

You need to state the facts and state them as a fait accompli - ie that this is a decision you’ve made, there is no discussion to be had and there is nothing he can say to change your mind. That you will need to decide together how best to handle the split for the sake of your children, and that you want to work with him to do that. Try to stay as calm and unemotional as possible (easier said than done I know). Shut him down if he tries to argue or persuade you otherwise. And if he threatens you with 50/50 childcare, try to let it wash over you. It will be just that - a threat aimed at hurting you or persuading you to stay.

I’d suggest you see a solicitor first, so you are armed with some information about dividing the childcare and assets. You don’t need to tell him you’ve seen a solicitor, but if he starts throwing around the threats you will at least know if what he is saying is untrue.

It’s a tough thing to do, but from the information you’ve shared it sounds like absolutely the right decision. Your children (and you) deserve more. Good luck 💐

"I'm not happy so I've decided we are getting divorced."

You don't have to give him more detailed reasons.

sorry, x-post with update, having your friend mind the kids so friend is there when you get back from "the chat" sounds good. Witness to his reaction might temper his reaction, a bit

@lljkk

"I'm not happy so I've decided we are getting divorced."

You don't have to give him more detailed reasons.

I suppose I feel that after so many years of marriage and 3 children that I owe him a full explaination but I know it won't go well whatever I say.

@Treetops73

Hey OP, I think your idea of going somewhere without the kids to tell him is a good one.

You need to state the facts and state them as a fait accompli - ie that this is a decision you’ve made, there is no discussion to be had and there is nothing he can say to change your mind. That you will need to decide together how best to handle the split for the sake of your children, and that you want to work with him to do that. Try to stay as calm and unemotional as possible (easier said than done I know). Shut him down if he tries to argue or persuade you otherwise. And if he threatens you with 50/50 childcare, try to let it wash over you. It will be just that - a threat aimed at hurting you or persuading you to stay.

I’d suggest you see a solicitor first, so you are armed with some information about dividing the childcare and assets. You don’t need to tell him you’ve seen a solicitor, but if he starts throwing around the threats you will at least know if what he is saying is untrue.

It’s a tough thing to do, but from the information you’ve shared it sounds like absolutely the right decision. Your children (and you) deserve more. Good luck 💐

That sounds really sensible, I do worry that I'll start the conversation and end up back tracking if I'm not careful. Putting it across in this way would help to avoid that.

I did see a solicitor a year or two ago so have a rough idea of what I would be entitled to. The big thing for me is the children. Making sure it is as easy a transition as possible for them and remaining their primary carer if I can.

Hi. Firstly, hide things you love in case he takes or breaks them. Have copies made of documents. Protect yourself.

When you tell him, maybe do it on a day you've arranged to be elsewhere. So the kids are there, you come back, do it and then leave.

Use the broken record technique. Give him an hour to go over it, and you keep giving the same short answer. Then go.

When it's over and he is giving you shit, dont take it on board. He doesn't need to consent to a split and it doesn't need his approval. Dont argue, dont engage. Yes, no, get away. Long baths, early nights, watch tv in bed, read in bed. Plan. Dont expect him to take responsibility for being ok, but YOU take responsibility for keeping safe. And ignore ignore ignore.