A few days ago, my boyfriend saw someone on a bridge cliff cwith firefighters at the bottom and people and cops around. He thought the person looked like someone he knew but couldn't be sure.
Today, he confirmed it was that same person, but he was talked down from the ledge.
Because it was someone he knew, my boyfriend is angry with himself and upset he didn't stop to see. He believes he could've talked him down.
I was doing everything I could to tell him he can't beat himself up over that. I said it's awful but he can't go back and change things and there's no guarantee he could've done anything. He told me he was a bad friend and I told him he wasn't. I really didn't know what to say in that situation. He's not really friends with this person and never cared for him but he feels guilty because he truly believed he could've prevented it period by being friends with him. I told him he's not forced to be friends with someone based on guilt. He had no way of knowing this would have happened and he can be there for a person and try to help them the best they can, but he's not obligated to be friends with him by that.
I really didn't know what to say and I wasn't trying to say the wrong this. I truly just wanted him to know it was really devastating it happened, but he was not to blame for what happened.
Apparently, he believed I was telling him that he shouldn't care that this person tried what he tried. That I think he shouldn't have done anything. That was not my intention at all.
He didn't say this to me in the moment, but he began getting really angry with me and I said why are you so upset with me? What did I do? He screamed BECAUSE YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT....
I've been with this person for 3 years, I struggle with similar thoughts as his acquaintance (something my boyfriend knows very well), and I've always been the type of person who went out of there way to help everyone in any way I can, whether it's with mental health, financially, to do errands for, be there for, etc. For him to say something like that to me, when all I was trying to do was help... I can't get over it.
I was NOT trying to make the situation about myself but I rarely stand up for myself ever and this was something I couldn't stay quiet about. I said are you serious? Is that how low you think of me, is that really what you believe? If that's the case, then why are we together?
When I tell you the LOOK he gave me. He was GLARING at me. His eyes were huge, his face was snarled up, he was breathing heavily. I didn't understand what he was trying to do, so I said what are you going to do?
At that, he walked away from me and didn't speak a word to me for an hour. I went to talk to him and when he said he thought i said to get over it and who cares, i said than why couldn't you just tell me what you thought I said so I could tell you what I said and what I meant. I said that was so childish and the way you looked at me made it worse, i said I didn't think you were going to hit me, but why would you glare at me like that.
He said I disgusted him with what I said...
I kept asking what I did that was so wrong. I said for him to say those things and act that way, i cant help but feel he actually feels that way.
Especially because he didn't seem to feel bad or apologize after I clarified what I indeed meant in what I was saying.
He tells me he doesn't know what he has to apologize for and he doesn't feel bad because me and him "see things differently" and what he's feeling was "something called compassion". I didn't know how many times I had to repeat that I was not saying anything negative and I was just trying to help him.
I told him I didn't know the right thing to say. I said if it were me, you would have reassured me the SAME way. I said did you want me to tell you "yeah you're a real piece of shit for not helping" would that make things better?
He then proceeded to tell ME that I acted crazy and I'm the one that started yelling at him. I only yelled at him when he said i didnt give a shit and only then. Then it changed to all the things ive done wrong in our relationship (things we've already discussed and got through).
He told me he was sorry but he thought I was saying something different than what I said. I said it still hurts he couldn't talk to me like an adult and that he'd think that low of me anyway... We haven't spoken for 2 hours.
I feel like shit about all of this. I feel like a shitty person because apparently I don't give a shit about people who are severely struggling mentally. I feel in my heart of hearts I didn't do anything wrong and I clarified that, and I DON'T want to forgive him. I don't want to make the situation about myself at all, but I couldn't help it with what he said.
Can someone from the outside please give me some insight on this?