How do you know it's truly over?

[Mummy1820]

When we first met, he was so loving. Cooking every night, candlelight meals, fires on the balcony with wine and blankets. Cheese and wine nights. Stay up talking all night, laughing.
Had our baby just over a year ago.
Since pregnancy, everything has changed. No sex, no talking, no intimacy really, not just sex. What he now calls a cuddle, is him lumping his arm over me. He won't even notice when our sons nappy needs changing?? Spends his weekends wanting to be busy, when I say no we need to be back to feed son, he rolls his eyes. His shifts at work haven't changed whatsoever, yet he's just sleeping all the time. For example, last night, he went to bed 2 hours earlier than me, we woke up same time, he wasn't at work today, fell asleep 8pm. I'm still awake at 11.
When I mention we don't have sex, he says, well you don't initiate it, you don't come to bed. Yet he goes to bed..... To sleep. He wakes up off the sofa and goes to bed. To sleep.
He makes things up. Silly things. I steal all the cover, which is funny because I wake numerous times through the night and he's wrapped up in the cover?
He doesn't talk about anything, except 9things from his childhood. Like,he turns into a child and his eyes light up talking about old bands, pokemon cards etc. If I ask about work, or how he is, he replies "yeah, OK", if I try talking about something, it's just mhmm responses. He's not interested in anything whatsoever.
Whenever I try to talk about my emotions, or something he's done, or hasn't done, hsi response is that I'm just looking for an argument. How??? I'm just trying to voice an issue, to sort it out?
I have been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. When I say I'm tired, he doesn't care. He doesn't take care of our son so I can rest.
I'm a stay at home mum, I left my very toxic job whilst on maternity, then covid hit, I've had separation anxiety from my son, and then my diagnosis. So yeah, I'm not working. Is my relationship over? And yes, I've tried talking, tried date nights, tried writing out plans ie days out, date nights, nights in bed chatting /watching a movie. It doesn't work, he just sleeps. If my relationship is over, how do I go about moving out, when, from what I understand, on universal credit, you have to prove you pay your own bills etc whilst living under the same roof, yet all the bills are in his name? Do I tell him it's over, and stay living here for months until I find my own place? I don't have family I can go to. My son is my top priority, I'm not going into a hostel, they're full of druggies in my city. I just don't know what to do.

I think other women are best suited to give you practical advice, but he sounds like a shitty partner to me. I'm afraid he seduced you up until he got what he wanted - a wife and offspring. Instead of a lover worth courting, you are now 'mum' to him. The glamour has worn off for him and he's rolling his eyes at you probably much in the same way he did to his own mother. He sounds immature and he's shutting you down by accusing you of deliberately trying to cause trouble when you are rightfully calling him out. He seems to have zero interest in improving your relationship or changing, so yes, I'm afraid it sounds like it's over and you already a single mother in the way he avoids parenting.

So he sleeps a lot - is your baby waking up a lot during the night then? If he's having broken sleep then he'll need to catch up on it. A missing 15mins could mean sleeping an extra 30mins, for example.

Oh no, our son has slept through since around 4months old. Went into his own room at 5 months, so no issues there.
My partner does work early mornings, but I worked it out previously, and he's awake for 16/17 hours a day, and I'm awake for about the same amount of time. Yet he gets more sleep than I do, he says he can't help it, yet I HAVE to stay awake, to finish the housework etc. He then says, Where's my work clothes, are they dry bla bla bla. I'm well and truly sick of it, he does offer to help every so often, however, he will do a wash, not put it in the dryer. He doesn't wash pots properly, just wipes a sponge across them, so I hate that. I don't think he's cleaned the bathroom or the bedrooms once since I've known him, throws his clothes everywhere. Doesn't even rinse the bath out after he's used it. It is just pure laziness, and yet I'm left to clean/tidy/pick up after him bevsuse on a few occasions I have left everything, but then he doesn't do it, so I end up doing it so I'm not living around clutter. He literally falls asleep on the sofa every night, son goes to bed around 7,partner is asleep by half 7/8,wakes up around 9/10 and goes to bed. Even on weekends it's the same,and like I said, his shifts haven't changed since we met, yet he used to stay up til 10ish with me, talking etc. We spend no time together now, sex is non existant.

Sounds like he's not cut out to be a family man. My STBXH was like that. Things were great before we had our DS. Life changes when a child comes along.
As for UC. Basically, you don't claim until he leaves, assuming he's still paying the bills - why wouldn't he?

Having a baby changes so much and having one in lockdown had added pressures.

Men are often medium/low-depressed after their wife has a baby, it can take time for them to bond with their childand they feel a bit 'dead'. They don't like it and hope it will be gone by tomorrow, or when they wake up. The need for a grown adult to excessively sleep is a symptom of depression. Honestly, it is a bit like being in a fog.

None of that helps you at the moment but it might help you understand him a bit better.

It will pass.

Good luck.

I think you need to sit down and tell him everything you have just told us. You can't go on like this it just not going to work. Maybe he is depressed. Or maybe he is just pure lazy. Either way it needs sorting If he won't change or at least seek help from the doctor then he needs to know you are serious about splitting. Don't make empty threats tho. Has he got family he can go to for a while maybe a few weeks apart will help him get his head together. People do manage to split if that's what you want he would have to leave as you have no family and of course you won't leave your son. Look into how much you could claim as a single parent without him being there. I can't see how it would work living under the same roof if you decide to split. After all it would be just the same as it is now ! No different Good luck hope you get something sorted but you must talk to him and make him realise how serious it is

Have you considered he might have depression OP? The amount he sleeps which has changed since the birth might be a clue. It doesn't help you at the moment but a nudge to get him checked out might be good. So many threads on here with absolutely dreadful men not pulling their weight after the birth of babies is so very upsetting. Sometimes men just cant handle family life when it happens. They just cant do it, I have seen it in a couple of my friends and they eventually split. I saw it in my daughters father, noting changed for him and he didn't want to change his golfing weekends every weekend and help me with my daughter. When we split when she was 3 my life became so much easier and I was so much happier. Her father stepped up and was a really good dad in the end but this wouldn't have happened if we had stayed together. Think about what you want and how much you are willing to put up with and act accordingly.