Infantile behaviour from ex husband

[purpledaisy2021]

I've always been the stronger character whereas during our 23 year marriage, he was an introvert, but none the less, behaved like an adult.

We've now been divorced for 5 years (he was having an affair with OW who is 18 years younger than him and not from the same culture or country) and sadly still have to have some sort of contact due to on going legal stuff and joint children.

What I've noticed is that the ex (aged 53) has regressed into being a complete child over the last few years which I find bizarre behaviour. He seems to play childish games with our lawyers, replies to emails in the most petulant way (think "my dad's bigger than your dad" scenario), flies off the handle over minor things that would not even be noticed by a normal adult, rings up our adult kids to say he has no money and he's sad (hardly a role model and he earns ££££!), hides things from our kids and his family (new baby and secret "visa' marriage), threatens me with the police ALL the time and how I may lose my job if I say one word that he feels is unjust to him!

Personally, I think he is unhappy. He got the OW pregnant three months into their affair and he's now stuck in a situation I don't think he feels happy with.

Any thoughts on how to handle this behaviour or why the regression?

Grey rock, necessary factual contact only, stop thinking about him, thank your lucky stars he ran off.

I know its hard to break the habit of being involved with someone who has been central to your life for so many years, but believe me when you stop caring it all becomes so much easier.

Enjoy the fact that he's not your problem any more? Seriously, imagine how awful it would be to have to live with someone who behaves like that. He sounds as if he's unhappy and trying to spread it around a bit. Concentrate on your own life as far as you can. Living well is the best revenge.

I would say he is a raging narcissist, but you mention that he behaved like an adult during your marriage. Looking back, was he ever 'sensitive'/a sulker/prone to giving the silent treatment etc.?

I almost wonder if I didn't really notice the childish behaviour during our marriage as we led quite separate lives and if anything needed to be done (such as ring the electricity company etc) it would be done by me.

I do thank my lucky stars that he is no longer mine. Sadly, we still have to communicate via lawyers over legal things, but he cannot resist putting in some weird "dig" in each letter. It's embarrassing in front of the legal team and I just cringe !

I wouldn’t try an analyse his behaviour, just deal with it until you are divorced and then you can ignore it.

I agree with the grey rock approach. Don’t respond to little digs, don’t even be embarrassed by them! It’s his childishness, not yours.
Only communicate when necessary, and don’t respond to his foolish threats of the police.

Sorry you’re dealing with a manbaby, hope the legal stuff gets sorted quickly for you so you can wash your hands of him!

Haha! He’s made his bed hasn’t he? What an idiot!
If he starts spouting crap then block him and just use solicitors. As your dc are adults now, do you really need much contact? Can you get the solicitor to deal with him instead?

5 years and still involved with legal things??
Let your lawyer communicate with him, your DC are adults, no need for any communication about them.
Cut ties, stop engaging with him and stop feeling sorry for him.

Why are you still having so much contact over your children when they are all adults ?

You must disconnect from this weirdo in every way you can. Who cares if he's unhappy and petulant? Not your circus, not your monkeys.

She didn't say ALL her children were adults
But yes look up grey rock and ignore his rubbish
He really has dug himself a massive hole hasn't he! Diddums

It's because he's have a long running tantrum. The way he's pretty much coming across as a twelve year old boy trying to act big says it all.

He feels sorry for himself i.e. contacting your children to say he's got no money and he's sad.

It's just me me me isn't it ? Trying to get sympathy from the children. No wonder you divorced him.

It might just have dawned on him what a big pile of pony poo he has made of his life. So, he's flailing around, venting where ever he can.

Sounds like he's got a victim mentality.

Mine used to do this in correspondence for pre-court discussions (so available to the court for review). What did irritate me a lot was that we wouldnt respond in kind to any of the silly nonsense, but it clearly was disruptive to getting matters resolved (and added cost because not all of the nonsense could just be ignored). Yet no rebuke from the court.

It is effectively expressing dissatisfaction that you and the DC are no longer under control. Mine during the marriage was sulky when they didnt get their own way.

@purpledaisy2021

I almost wonder if I didn't really notice the childish behaviour during our marriage as we led quite separate lives and if anything needed to be done (such as ring the electricity company etc) it would be done by me.

I do thank my lucky stars that he is no longer mine. Sadly, we still have to communicate via lawyers over legal things, but he cannot resist putting in some weird "dig" in each letter. It's embarrassing in front of the legal team and I just cringe !

You think that's bad, my ex-husband was representing himself in family court some years ago so had no counsel to talk him out of the astonishing document he submitted in his "evidence" which was basically his life story from birth according to him, typed out, printed on sheets of A4 and stapled together. It included utterly trivial details with some incredibly bizarre stories and he'd even put in a photo of himself as a baby with his older brother, captioned "I'm the little one on the left."

My solicitor and barrister had eyes like saucers and they were actually, literally speechless. I was cringing at the time but now I realise he only made himself look like a dick, it was no reflection on me!

@ScottChegg, that's bloody hilarious!

That's the best story I've ever heard, @ScottChegg, I'm going to chuckle over that for ages now!

Oh god, it was awful at the time, unbelievable! The thing actually started along the lines of, "I was born in Month 19xx in Somewheretown to my Father, Wilf Pickle and my Mother, Angela Eiderdown..."

The judge ignored it like it didn't exist, which was probably the only realistic option open to him, thinking about it!

Purpledaisy, one day you will look back at the madness and laugh!

Why is he threatening to call the police?

Get your lawyer to deal with any official stuff, resolve anything that requires direct contact between you by email or in writing and asap.

As adults, his relationship with the children is between them and you don’t need to get involved. Likewise his marriage and child (not a baby if it’s been 5 years and she conceived so quickly?) aren’t anything to do with you so don’t ask about him, tell anyone volunteering information to stop doing so.

He can only annoy you as much as you let him.

And if he’s unhappy that’s his problem. The less head space you give him and his life the better. It’s wasted time and energy to stew over him and what he is or isn’t doing.

@ScottChegg

Oh god, it was awful at the time, unbelievable! The thing actually started along the lines of, "I was born in Month 19xx in Somewheretown to my Father, Wilf Pickle and my Mother, Angela Eiderdown..."

The judge ignored it like it didn't exist, which was probably the only realistic option open to him, thinking about it!

Purpledaisy, one day you will look back at the madness and laugh!

What point was he trying to make? I'm dying to know!

Op, what legal stuff is it that is still tying you to this idiot?