Letting go and letting others care for baby

[ItsARandomName]

Hi, I am looking for some advice on this, which I'm sure happens to every mum to some degree. I think things have been exaggerated by Covid / lockdowns etc.

My baby is nearly 11 months, born in lockdown and no support bubble, so living well away from any grandparents and relatives. She has only ever been with me and my DH, no other friends or relatives around. She's meeting her grandparents for the first time in a couple of weeks (they live a long way away and they were shielding).

I'm going to need to go to work part time as of October. I'm trying to build up her experience of other people now that rules have relaxed. In the Autumn we will need a childminder. (Got my name down already).

The thing is, I'm utterly gut-wrenched at parting with her and letting a stranger look after her, even for 10 minutes. Now I know this feeling is normal, but it feels extreme, maybe because of the fact I've never had a moment away from her. Even in hospital my DH wasn't allowed to stay due to the Covid rules but I stayed with her by myself for days and we have not been parted since. Now this is not what I would have chosen obviously. Its not in my nature to be a particularly clingy mum, or at least, I always imagined I'd be off doing my own things and back to work sooner etc. But the circumstances have meant we've been together as a small family unit throughout. I feel my attachment is so strong. I'm worried it's not healthy. I can't bear another person to look after her except my DH. Please don't judge - I know how ridiculous this sounds.

How can I start to move towards feeling okay about another person looking after her? I'm not even comfortable with the idea of leaving her with her granny at the moment, even though I know granny has her best interests at heart. It just feels like a very fundamental almost cavewoman type protectiveness. Again, I'm sure it's sort of normal but this feels exaggerated due to the pandemic and lockdown.

For your daughters sake and yours you have to let go. Totally understandable that you love her so much but it could get unhealthy if you don’t deal with it now. Set yourself some goals with leaving her with people. As she gets older she will be off to sleepovers etc and you’ll need to help with her independence so relax a bit and think of the benefits of having others help you out. She needs the interaction with others

Sounds normal after such a long intense and probably stressful year to want to stay with her and protect her. Start by having people over to your house to play with her and leaving the room to make a cup of tea or prepare lunch and build up to longer tines when you're away from the room. Then you could let granny take her to a nearby park for half an hour, you know where they are and are close by. It'll get easier. My daughter is a month older and starting nursery next week but luckily I know she is a social butterfly as she walks up to strangers everywhere so I know she'll be fine, its me that won't be!

Little by little. It sounds like you are feeling the way I did when my brought by dd back from hospital. I didn't say anything but I hated other people lifting her up at first. Then you will get used to it. In the end, we want our children to feel like members of an extended family and members of society, so we have to let them go.

Tbh i think a lot of us feel like this. You just have to grit your teeth and get on with it. Leave her with granny for an afternoon.

I've never felt this way - in fact I kind of feel the opposite. I get a real buzz when I see my DD bringing joy to others. It makes me feel happy and secure to know that she has a wide circle of people who love her and can care for her. She's a total lockdown baby and is quite wary of new people, and often cries when someone new picks her up (or even looks at her!) but this is something I'm really working on with her. Maybe trying to frame it as more of a positive thing for her social development will help?

Weirdly, I had the same conversation with my dad about my mum last night. They have been locked down together just the two of them for the year, during which time my mum's dementia has worsened and she now panics if he is not in the same room.
Today, he is going to nip to the shop for 20 mins, leaving her with me. He doesn't want to, feels gut- wrenchingly guilty, but it has to be done. The situation is just not sustainable for evermore and we have to start somewhere.
Start with 20 mins and go out of the house. Build up from there. You know you need to, and you know it is in your baby's best interests. She will be fine.
You can do this, but my word, Covid has a lot to answer for.

First time I left my 9 mo baby with a nanny - I was supposed to be away for half an hour. Was going to get groceries.
Left the house, heart pounding. Turned around not even half way. Sat by the door and came back in after 10 min.
Still remember it. DD is doing her GCSEs...

It’s normal and just takes time. What I think helps is getting to know the person taking care of your child. And going slowly.

Also - if you leave it until Oct - when your baby will be almost a year and a half - she will have a really hard time separating from you. You need to start socialising her with other people now. Being it play groups, friends or family.

Op, you sound like you realize you may have an issue which, if left, could cause problems for both you and your DC in the not too distant future.

You are obviously a great mother who is trying to get to grips with exactly how you will be able to facilitate leaving your DC with other people, even if only for a short time initially.

I can tell you that as a mother, what you are feeling is entirely normal, and it's something that we all have to get to grips with at some point.

I'd echo the PP's who have said start with small goals, and build on them. Start with known and trusted adults e.g Granny or a close friend, and start with a goal of 10 mins to pop to the local shop.

I'd enlist your DH to come with you too, or you'll only be relying on him to stay with your DC, rather than Granny etc.

Learning to trust others to watch over your DC is difficult and heart wrenching, but it's something we all have to learn.

Definitely get onto some baby clubs too so your DC can learn to socialize with other kids too, because it will help both of you to learn that focusing 100% of your attention on one person for months isn't healthy for anyone, but there will be lots of mums and babies in the exact same position because of lockdown.

Is it because you have invested a lot into certain aspects of parenting and want everything to stay "just-so" aka you feel you will lose control?

Or is it more of a sense of missing out on time with her?

I was like this with my pre Covid long awaited IVF baby.

In all honesty it got a bit easier once DC hit 18m and became more active and needed more energy and entertaining to look after.

I’m still reluctant to leave DC with anyone other than DH for social, I generally just want to be with my toddler but it is a lot easier than when I had a baby and DC is in nursery x2 days a week. That they love nursery makes it easier.

To get to the point, I don’t think it’s massively abnormal, I do think it’s a bit unhealthy (in my case too) and I do think it’s probably been enhanced by Covid.

However how you feel now probably won’t be the same as DC gets older.

I felt exactly the same. I started at 14 months old by leaving her for 1 hr with my parents and just going for a walk and built up from there.

Thank you, yes I think little steps is the answer. When we visit granny I will try to leave her with them for a short while whilst I go for a walk.

I'm employing a babysitter next week for a couple hours one sat. I've never met them (have references etc) so I am going to stay with them and use this as a trial. Then if I get a good feeling about the sitter the next time I'll leave the room more. Etc and hopefully build up.

Right now the thought of a sitter taking baby out for a walk without me is terrifying.

It's awkward because I don't want to appear rude to other people who just want to help. But I worry about her so much.

Yes, I know that my job is to grow an adult. No need to tell me it's not desirable or healthy - I know that. Hence coming on here to ask. This is not what I envisaged. I thought I'd have a super independent little girl and that I'd be off doing my own thing for some of the week by now. It's just that what with lockdowns etc the circumstances have led to this. Im shocked at myself.

I really feel for you, Covid made everything so much harder.

in my experience you can't really prepare yourself.
it's like going on a bear hunt: you can't go over it, you can't go under it, you can't go round it, you've got to go through it!
you've got to bite the bullet, let her be with others, have a good cry while feeling sorry for yourself and telling yourself you are the worst mother that's ever lived... then realise that's actually bollocks because if you were the worst mum you'd not care at all and then you give yourself permission to not feel guilty, dry your tears and get on with it.
that's my process.

best of luck

Hey lovely, I have 4 kids and when they were babies/toddlers they were with me 24/7 - co-sleeping , the lot. I bought a cot/moses basket but my urge was to keep them with me at all times. Because I exclusively breastfed, this was par of the course.

I eventually did let them be looked after by other people, but only people who I felt were responsible enough.

Anyway, you gradually start letting go when it feels right and you can see and trust that they are safe. I wasn't/am not a helicopter mum - don't mind if they trip and fell etc , just when they are so tiny and utterly defenseless then it is our job to make sure they are safe. As you see them with people and how they are with them and as they get older and more independent, you gradually relax.

Don't worry, it's normal. Do things at your own pace and kids grow very quickly, so in a few months your child will seem quite a bit older and it will be easier.

OP I’ve shocked myself too in all honesty. I’ve always embraced a very active social life, lots of friends, parties experiences the works.

Since I’ve had baby Covid aside I’m still sociable and had a very active mat leave but I tend to focus on things I can bring child to.

In fact anything that doesn’t include them is a big ask for me. I never thought I’d be like this, I have access to babysitters pretty much on tap and a very hands on DH with whom DC also has a social life as well as family time. Neither of us want to be without DC really.

Just signed in to agree with what @Sakurami has said. I’ve only got two though! My son is 3.5. He breastfed, coslept, I was a sahm. We were joined at the hip and I was rarely away from him, definitely not for long. I did have to leave him sometimes & hated it. He started nursery in January. After a year of lockdowns with a husband working so it really was just him & pregnant me all day every day. Went in happily to nursery with no settling in, loves it. I’ve raised a confident, happy, secure, resilient little boy who has grown in independence at his pace. 11 months is still young. Take baby steps, do what feels right, and don’t let anyone make you feel s* just because they feel tiny children should be independent from the word go.

Oh wow, thank you so much for the advice and support. Yes 11 months is still young isn't it. Helpful to hear that others have felt the same.

I did take DD to a nursery to look around as step 1, and she burst into tears as we looked around. Never seen her so upset - horrible fearful sobs! Not sure if she thought I was going to leave her there or something. Anyway that really made me feel awful too!

Hopefully being gradually looked after by a few key individuals will be a better way to get us both used to being apart.