Argh!!!

[PaperMoonshine]

Fucksake. I've had enough.

After a 12 year long sham of a relationship where there was no love, no desire, nothing, I spent a good while single.

I lost weight; changed my image to suit me and not other people; had therapy; got a new job; started new hobbies; read the books I'd been promising myself I'd read for years; had more therapy; made a whole new friendship group; was bullied; lost my friendship group; started again; volunteered; exercised; moved house; learned to love myself; set and maintained boundaries; etc etc etc.

I'm am, quite possibly, the best version of myself I've ever been. Could I be better? Hell, yeah, of course I could. But no one is perfect.

I'm single. I have a couple of 'lovers' but I'm not in a relationship. I've tried relationships but I can't do them. I don't know why.

If someone asks for it to become more serious, I panic. Im not sure what I'm panicking about. When I was younger, I worried about being 'trapped'; that there might be someone better for me around the corner. I've always had one foot out of every relationship I've ever been in.

But it's not all me. Even at 46, I don't have too much trouble attracting men. But never a man I want and, when I did a couple of years ago attract the only man I'd wanted in a while, I ended it because it was clear he didn't love me and never would.

I vacillate between thinking, fuck it. Grow old disgracefully; live a life of rock n roll, take younger lovers (at the weekend obviously, I'm far too busy being a sensible professional on weekdays). And desperately wanting the one thing I've never had - love.

I have friends who have been married for 30+ years. When I imagine it, I feel both envious and terrified in equal measure.

Today, I'm in a fuck it; grow old disgracefully kind of mood. Yesterday, I was mourning a life without love.

No advice but I’m the same. I’m desperate for someone to share my life with, go on dates, family gatherings, holidays etc.

But the minute something gets serious, I’m out.
I think I’m expecting the fireworks, love at first sight, lust.

I feel the same! Single after being married for a long time and crap OLD experiences. I intend to be single and embrace my hippy witchy side, I read about all the other women here who have been cheated on too and think that I will never allow myself to be hurt again. But sometimes.....I get tearful when I see couples and feel a bit lost alone....its such mixed feelings! But there seem so few good men about!

I'm sorry you both feel like this too, but also so pleased I'm not alone!

I am in the same boat. I'm so envious of friends who have been married for decades (I'm almost 50). I always thought I would be coupled up with a partner/husband, enjoying ourselves after all the kids have flown the nest.

I've had my heart broken a couple of times (cheaters), or just stayed with someone just cause i didn't want to be alone - I'm wary of going thru that again. I would love to find that passionate, loving, and compatible partner but alas doesn't seem to be in the cards for me. Makes me very sad that I will most likely be alone the rest of my life, but i'm trying to come to terms with it.

I just wonder how some people find that long lasting love and while others, who have tried everything to find it never do.

I have been there and now am comfortably in the happy being with me. If love happens it will need to smack me on the arse and sweep me off my feet. It will have to bring me more than what I feel right now. Such a better feeling than when I literally yearned to meet someone. Looking for it can be soul destroying!

Enjoy how you are feeling right now x

@sunnyzweibrucken

I am in the same boat. I'm so envious of friends who have been married for decades (I'm almost 50). I always thought I would be coupled up with a partner/husband, enjoying ourselves after all the kids have flown the nest.

I've had my heart broken a couple of times (cheaters), or just stayed with someone just cause i didn't want to be alone - I'm wary of going thru that again. I would love to find that passionate, loving, and compatible partner but alas doesn't seem to be in the cards for me. Makes me very sad that I will most likely be alone the rest of my life, but i'm trying to come to terms with it.

I just wonder how some people find that long lasting love and while others, who have tried everything to find it never do.

That's the thing I've never been in love. Never had my heart broken. Never stayed with anyone just so I wasn't alone (my 12 year relationship was based on childrearing and friendship but not love).

I don't even know if I want a relationship. I don't think I do.

But it does make sad that I've never known romantic love.

jelly79

I am enjoying it. But every now and again... well it would be nice to be loved.

@jelly79 how did you get there? I want to stop the yearning but it's there underneath! I just want to feel at peace.

[quote Mermaidwaves]@jelly79 how did you get there? I want to stop the yearning but it's there underneath! I just want to feel at peace.[/quote]
For me, it was about reframing it - changing how I thought about it. No one to cheat on me; no one to consider; no one to make feel bad about myself; no one to 'look after'. Men my age tend to he very 'traditional' or 'old fashioned' (read sexist) and I can't be doing with that!

I am generally, genuinely content and happy. I do sometimes look at myself and wonder how long I'll be happy with taking a couple of lovers for but, at that point, I'll be contentedly both single and celibate, I guess! 🤷🏻‍♀️

It makes me a bit sad that I'll have lived an entire life without love but there's not a lot I can do about it.

@papermoonshine Honestly I’d rather have never been in love than to have had it and lost it twice. At least I wouldn’t know the difference. But I do understand where you are coming from.

I get what you're saying. I just think it would be nice to experience it. You know?

I think I started this thread because I had plans to see one of the men this weekend but had to cancel because I'm really not feeling well and I have loads of work to do too. He was fine about it but said he has something for me so will come over on Saturday just to drop this package off and then leave. It'll be a 1.5 hr round trip on public transport just to do that. I just thought that was quite sweet and is probably the sort of thing that other people do for someone they love 🤷🏻‍♀️

I just think you have high standards.

If you're happy then enjoy it.

You can also reframe it the way I have. I will only remain in a relationship if it is brilliant and I'm happier in it than out of it. I have high standards and so far my bf is exceeding them.

@PaperMoonshine I definitely agree with changing the mindset, not having to worry about being cheated on and go through heartbreak again. I suppose it's not what I'm missing but gaining peace of mind.

I'm 46 and happily single. Like a few PPs have said, a relationship would have to be bloody brilliant for me to stay in it and make my life better than it is now, no mean feat when I'm quite happy as I am! I was married once - it really wasn't all that.

I've had married people/people in relationships say they're envious of me - that I'm single and therefore without the stresses that can arise within a partnership.
Will I die a lonely old crone? Who knows? Do I care right now? Nope!

It's definitely a mindset thing.