Struggling with thoughts about my ex and a desire to go back

[IrisAtwood]

We split up 3 years ago when he dumped me in the same week that my Dad died and a month after I had been made redundant. He made me homeless because it was only his name on the deeds for the house which we had bought outright very recently.

Here is a link to my original thread detailing the abuse: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3097889-I-need-you-to-share-your-reaction-to-the-way-my-ex-treated-me?pg=5

During the time before I moved out he told me that he had planned to dump me and that was why he wouldn’t include my name on the house or on any bills. He told me that the only good thing in our relationship were a few good holidays. He also told me that I should kill myself as I had nothing left while he still had his job (as a university lecturer) and a home. When I countered that I had people who loved me he told me that they would get over it and no one really liked me anyway as I was boring.
He refused to tell me why he was throwing me out and gave me a week to go.

This was a man who was otherwise completely isolated and when I met him was living in a terrible mess with unpaid bills, no central heating, no wifi all because he was unable to organise or be bothered with anything other than his academic work and an obsessive interest in music. He has complex mental health problems and was incredibly emotionally abusive to me throughout our relationship but I absolutely adored him and put everything down to his emotional difficulties. When he wasn’t being abusive he was very sweet, gentle and easygoing.

The problem is that I was told he is now in a psychiatric hospital and has been for months following a major breakdown. This was predictable and I was expecting something similar because as I said, he is totally isolated, no friends, no contact with his family and has recently lost his job - also predictable because he refused to publish his work.

Since I found out I can’t stop thinking about him and imagining how I could visit and help him. I know that I am co-dependent and have been no contact for almost two years. I still struggle with missing though and feel physical pain at the thought of his suffering.

I’m just looking for words of advice, reassurance, wisdom!

I understand it's difficult.
I think about my ex and miss him but don't act on it. It's just more pain.

Instead I call family or a friend and see how they are. Give that caring you feel to someone like that. Give that caring to yourself, a child, a pet.

I agree with @RantyAnty, don't act on it because you will undo the hard work of going NC for two years, and the pain of going through another cycle will be worse.

You can't rescue him and it's not your responsibility to do so.

You have an addiction to being a saviour, a comforter and a nursey. The 'pain' you feel is simply a craving to go back to your role.

Your answer is to seek some professional help, not to go back to your particular drug of choice. It isn't easy keeping clean, but it is the only way you have a chance at a proper life.

I can't access your previous thread, but if you have children then you really, really need to get yourself sorted out. Don't fuck up their lives because you have an addiction. You need to be stronger than that.

@Haffiana
I know that it is a form of addiction and that the dynamic is unhealthy. I also know that I don’t want to go through another cycle of abuse and discard.

And no, no children.

The posts that I have read so far are exactly what I need.

Please don't ever go back. There are much nicer men in the world than your ex. You deserve so much better...and don't settle for anything less.