Depressed due to DP problem drinking

[sleepyg]

I have been with DP for 9 years, I am 24F, he is 25M.

We have lived together for 2 years and over the last 6 months I fear that he has become a problem drinker. I must say that during Coronavirus we drank due to boredom. Due to mental health struggles, I stopped drinking completely whilst he continued. I now rarely drink and am happier for doing so.

Since January our relationship has really spiralled down hill and I am becoming really depressed over it. He drinks 6 big bottles of lager and 4 cans of an evening, sometimes more of a weekend. There have been times when he has bought spirits to drink alone and there always seems to be an excuse, i've had a bad day, i've had a good day, etc.

I grew up in a household with alcoholics and so did he. I feel a lot of resentment towards being subject to this again in my own relationship and I am concerned about our future. I love and care about him very much but this has triggered a lot of negative feelings about our relationship and it seems he has no desire or intention to change.

We haven't been intimate during the last 6 months, our sex life is none existent as I feel really withdrawn from our relationship due to his drinking. We have spoken about this and he told me he would cut down his drinking, promised to cut this down to the weekends and special occasions but it's slowly crept back to every day / every other day. We don't make a lot of money and he often complains of being "skint" but always seems to have money for drink.

When I have tried to bring it up he has disagreed and got annoyed at me for even suggesting it is a problem, but I am concerned for his health and for our relationship.

I have suggested that he abstains for the next 2 weeks to see how he goes and then moderating alcohol instead of drinking so often.

I feel really frustrated and depressed. Please can anyone share their experiences or advice? I just want to be happy.

Thanks :(

Leave. It only gets worse and you are so young with your whole life ahead of you.

You can’t control his alcohol intake. If his drinking is affecting you negatively then finish it.

I didn't expect such responses so soon after posting.

Thank you :( I am scared for the future. He is a lovely person, but it is becoming apparent that he can't change for me.

Leave, you don't owe him anything. You have your whole life ahead of you.

It sounds like you are coming to a parting of ways with him.

The drinking you describe is certainly excessive in and of itself. There will barely be any time in a given week where he is communicating with you in an unadulterated way - at this level, he's going to be either pissed or hungover. All the time. So there's that.

But even more, it's sounds like you yourself have turned a corner. You've stopped drinking and are feeling the benefits. This is a massive achievement and you should be really proud of yourself.

But it is still early days. Six months is significant but early sobriety is precarious. You need to ensure you have the best chance of both sticking to this and of fully reaping the many benefits of the life you have opening up to you now.

Can you do this while sharing your life with a problem drinker? Most people would find it difficult if not impossible.

More to the point, do you want to?

Leave aside the question of what you can do about him. It's a pointless question anyway because you can't do anything about him.

Just think about what you want to do about you.

My advice is to run fast for a long distance.

Then do some work on yourself to avoid getting into another relationship with an addict. We're subconsciously attracted to what is familiar to us, so you need to work on recognising unacceptable behaviour and strengthening your boundaries.

I'm glad you're young and haven't had children with him.

You're so young. Leave and be happy.

You've been together since you were a teenager, this is your first serious adult relationship. It's natural that it would feel very scary and distressing to contemplate that it has now run its course. But that doesn't mean you wouldn't survive it ending.

I don't think there really is anything else to suggest other than leaving him.

If you truly want to be happy you're going to have to part ways from him.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents; look at what yours taught you. You grew up seeing alcoholism and you're now in a relationship with an alcoholic.

Trying to reason with such a person about their drinking or asking them to cut down is a thankless task doomed to failure. You can only help your own self ultimately and this is not a relationship you should be in now.

You met this person when you were a child yourself and had no real life experience (other than seeing parental alcoholism) behind you.
You only get one shot at this life and you do not want to continue playing second fiddle to alcoholism. His primary relationship is with drink, its not with you and never has been with you either. His thoughts centre around drink and where the next drink is going to come from. Don't get bogged down in sunk costs because that is a way of neglecting your own self.

Save your own self and rebuild your life without him. Address any and all codependency issues you have (you are likely to be codependent) through counselling.

I would suggest you contact Al-anon as they are very helpful to those affected by another person's drinking. It would also be an idea for you to read literature about adult children of alcoholics.

Do consider also contacting NACOA as they also help adults affected by a parents drinking:-

nacoa.org.uk/support-advice/

You're way too young to be dealing with this, you should leave him.

Speak to him and say you will leave.

I had the same with my fiancée recently, he was drinking a lot.

But, he loves me and doesn’t want me to leave and that was enough and now he only buys zero alcohol beers and will just have a few when friends come round or it’s a special occasion.

I wouldn’t give up on a 9year relationship before exhausting all options. Mumsnet is always very quick to ltb.

I just don't see the point in you staying. The relationship is over, surely?

We have spoken about this and he told me he would cut down his drinking, promised to cut this down to the weekends and special occasions but it's slowly crept back to every day / every other day

You were honest with him. He made a promise. He broke the promise. There is no point repeating this cycle over and over. You could be with someone who prioritises YOU over alcohol. Imagine that.
Just because you found solace in each other at 15/16 doesn't mean you have to cling onto him while he damages your life.
You are worth more than this.

Sorry. It's so hard but I would also advice you to leave. You are young and you don't have children with him. He needs to make his own choices, you can't make them for him.

I would leave, you have done so well and he will only drag you down. What did he say when you suggested the things you wrote at the end of your post?

Time to go.

Alchohol addiction is something that is with someone for life. And unless he himself chooses to go cold turkey (ideally with aa support) , theres nothing to be done.

Infact, being single may be the kick up the arse he needs to seek help.

But leave for you.

And know that even if he does quit, he could start drinking again at any point in the future...eg: whilst you were pregnant or when a family member dies ect...and you really need him sober and supportive. Alcoholics just aren't reliable. Other than that you can rely on them to drink and fuck shit up.

Besides, you havent even slept together in 6 months. It's already over anyway. Pull off the plaster.

I agree that you should split up. He is going one way and you are going another (hopefully to a happy life without an addict). One life OP, you are so young, use it to make yourself happy.