Sorry in advance, this might be long!
I've been with DH 6 years this year (married for 3), I have DS9 (not DH's bio dad but is his only father iykwim) and we have an 18 month old DD. 3 years ago I moved away from my whole family to be with DH (military) and I currently live over 3 hours away from my mum and friends and 5 hours from MIL etc. I have some friends here but nothing substantial.
I have a job, which I enjoy but can be stressful at times. It is term time and school hours so employment wise I'm nicely settled.
Since DD was about 6 months old, I am no longer interested in physical contact. I like to hold hands, sit with each other and cuddle up and just be together, but I just don't want to lie in bed kissing and cuddling like DH does, let alone have sex (there is more to this part shortly). DH has told me how rejected he feels and I truly don't meant to make him feel like that but I can't deny that I just don't want to do that right now.
I am currently being investigated and it is highly likely I'm about to be diagnosed with a chronic condition (hopefully I'll know more next week). This has left me unable to walk on 2 occasions in the last 6 months and I have at least some degree of discomfort, if not outright pain, every day. It has taken away my one hobby (running) that gave me some space to clear my head and that I enjoyed and, whilst I am feeling positive that I'll find a new way of life, having that positivity is draining and I do still have pangs of being upset too, although I know there is no point because I can't change what is wrong with me.
I am exhausted. Physically, emotionally and mentally. All I seem to do is complain and I know DH is finding me difficult to be around. Once the kids are in bed, all I want to do is be in bed myself (with or without DH, I don't mind).
When DH and I first got together, I was in a fantastic place - I'd lost loads of weight, super confident, had a great network of friends and family and was happy. Now I don't want to speak on the phone to friends or family, I just want to be alone and quiet. I do make myself make an effort, but it's hard some days.
A couple of times, I've tried to open up to DH and I don't get the response I feel I want. I am trying to shift some weight, which he knows has been bothering me, and when I said I had lost 5 lbs he had nothing else to say but to crack a joke about losing £5 (if that made sense). Just a "thats good" or something would have been super. I'm also studying some MH stuff and I said I thought my next session might be difficult for me (regarding self harm and this is something from my past which I still have intrusive but manageable thoughts about some times) and he said "if you can get through it without it bothering you, you'll be stronger". It isn't a bad thing to say, by any means, but it wasn't helpful in the slightest. I can be highly triggered by references to it, films/books/TV etc and, whilst I can manage it, it does make for a few difficult days. I have worked really hard to get myself better from this (I practiced self harm for 12 years), having CBT twice and I am confident I have it under control, but it doesn't make it easy.
I'm trying to explain, I think, that I don't feel DH is supportive in the way I want. But when we first got together, I wasn't needy or very emotional, I was sarcastic, up for a laugh and didn't need anyone to lean on (fairly reserved emotionally). I now need that and DH isn't used to it and wasn't expecting it. I don't really think he can give me the support to lean on and it isn't fair of me to ask him for it when he didn't enter a relationship with someone like this. He wants that fun person from the beginning, not me.
I tried to talk about it last night with him - I told him I'm having a hard time, I'm exhausted and unhappy etc and it got turned around into him telling me what I can do to help him feel better (he is clearly suffering from this too and I understand I am not being as attentive as I should be right now so I'm not mad, I just feel more guilty).
I'm in a dark hole here and, after writing all this, I'm fairly convinced I am depressed. This isn't new, I have been depressed on and off since childhood although it hasn't been this bad for a long time (I was under CAMHS as a child and also received PND therapy). I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like I have the energy to put anymore into anything, I get very little enjoyment from my life right now and I just want to spend any non-DC time in bed.
I'm so miserable and I'm annoyed with myself for being so pathetic and ruining a perfectly good relationship with a good egg husband. Is my marriage doomed? Have I ruined it or will it ever get back to the way it was? I really hope not, but I don't know how to fix it.