Great provider but terrible husband and father

[moreisless7]

I’m 30 and been married to my husband for 2 years (together 5), we now have a 1 year old DS. Im a SAHM as I wanted to be the one to raise DS rather than going back to work. The problem is he’s a workaholic, works 6 days a week out of the house before we wake up and back home around 7-8pm when DD is either in bed or getting ready for bed. I’m so lonely, we don’t do anything as a family together (let alone as a couple) unless I arrange it and he reluctantly comes along. He’s also out of the house playing football twice a week. We spend the evenings in separate rooms as he comes home eats then wants to watch football, falls asleep on the sofa so I usually go upstairs to watch a film alone. I like my time alone so didn’t mind at first but this is every night now and I’m starting to realise this could be my life forever.

He’s a great provider financially, we live in a nice house (jointly owned) and money wise I have no stress or worries but he uses this as an excuse when I ask him to spend more time with us as a family. He isn’t interested in family life, work and football both come first so he has no energy left for me or DS. I’m sick of bringing it up as we just go round in circles, I vent, we argue and he’s full of excuses saying he does it for us etc etc then refuses to change anything. The one day a week he’s home he still gos out alone for lunch.

This is no life. I want to leave but I feel stuck financially and don’t want to have to go back to work and put DS in nursery just yet. If I leave I’ll still be lonely as I would never date whilst DS was young and I’d also be a stressed out working mum and loose these precious years with him. I feel like my only option is to stay even though I’m unhappy as leaving would be worse. Has anyone been in this situation?

Is he an accountant?

You only live once. I'm in similar situation and people think because I'm in a nice home and don't have money problems I should stay. Existing and living are 2 different things. Will you be happy in 10 years time or wish you had moved on? I'm nearly 30 and just feel I'm wasting my life. You can do this. There is a better life for you out there. He probably won't change I'm lucky I'm not married so it's easier but as I said one life live it how you want to. Happy mum = happy kids.

I had something similar. In the end, the lack of contact we had meant that neither of us felt loved, which created a vicious circle as we didn't feel loving towards one another, so didn't even enjoy the time we did have together as much. We didn't row as such and still had sex, but in the end he took a position that meant he worked away, only coming home weekends, for 3 years - and he ended up having an affair.

If you aren't keen to leave I'd suggest making sure that you do go back to work, part-time if possible, and seek out other company; friends, groups, so that you don't feel as lonely, and keep one foot in the working world, as it is pretty likely that one of you will go.

Any chance of getting help in so that you too can go out in the evenings?

Workaholics never change and all I’m hearing, from the excuses he’s giving you, is that he doesn’t care enough about your feelings to change his behavior. And that just isn’t good enough is it? It doesn’t take a genius to realize that a sahm is going to feel lonely if their partner is out of the house all of the time.

Can you suggest counseling to help him realize how unhappy you are? I would tell him you’re thinking of leaving, see if that’s a wake up call for him.

I think it would also help if you found some hobbies, or did some volunteer work. Just something to get you out of the house and a bit more independent. Your little one will be fine, no need to feel guilty about that. Do something for you, I think that’s really important and something you sound like you need right now.

I had similar, different reasons, his field meant everyone worked 7 days a week (not all days at weekends) he played football once a week too. He wanted to spend time together but there's only so many waking hours.

It is lonely and covid wouldn't have helped your situation. I forged my own life made friends etc. We last until youngest reached 18 and amicably went our separate ways. Should have left sooner but I liked my life

What about on the weekends?

I was in a similar position, boring, lonely marriage for most of the time while he worked all day/evening in another county and traveled a lot but was financially looked after, soon as the kids were older I got a job and the marriage fell apart, maybe bide your time, get your ducks in a row until your able to move on.

If I was you I would stay.

I’m in the same situation as you, but work, still broke and have financial worries, so whilst it’s shit for you, it could be worse.

Wanna swap? My oh doesn’t even know I exists I don’t think.

What was it like before the baby came?
It's easy to say leave but you won't be able to be a sahm and he will go from strength to strength financially whilst you, after a short marriage, will be left with very little.

So he actively doesn't want to spend time with you and/or your son? Earning lots of money is not worth that.
I understand you don't want to put your child into childcare but don't assume it will be worse for him - mine have all gone to a childminder a few days a week and they have absolutely loved it and adored her, then onto pre-school at 3. They have an amazing time with all sorts of activities you might not do at home and learning to be with other children and make friends. If your husband earns so much, the majority of the costs will be paid by him so you may have to only work part time. You get something back for yourself, lose the loneliness and your son gets great experiences. Your husband would also have to reduce his hours in order to look after your son at least every other weekend.

He had just stated his business before we married and said once things were established he would be able to take a step back, the reality is as the business has grown and continues to he has less and less time for me and DS. When I was pregnant we discussed how things would work and the plan was for him to stop working weekends and get an office close to home... that obviously never happened. I feel guilty at times that I should be grateful to be in the position of being a SAHM as this was what I wanted but I also feel hurt that DS isn't growing up in the family unit I wanted for him. I have friends and family close by so I don’t feel lonely in general just lonely in my marriage. I make plans to do things with DS on weekends with family or friends but it sometimes upsets me seeing couples and dads with their children. I’m fairly emotionally independent so I don’t ask much from him but none of my needs are being met and I’m not sure how long I can live like this pretending everything is ok when deep down it’s not.

Sorry to hear that @Gymsmile21 it could always be worse yes but almost a catch 22 as then I think I’d have the courage to leave. As bad as it sounds if it wasn’t for the financial benefits of this set up there would be nothing to justify staying. We are comfortable and have a nice life but not rich enough to ignore everything else. The things that money can’t buy I don’t have and can’t offer to my son which is family life, quality time with his dad making memories.

I don’t want DS to grow up thinking lack of connection is normal in a relationship. I also wanted more children to give DS a sibling as I grew up as an only child but then I feel I’ll be even more stuck.

Oh the joys. I hope everyone is having a lovely weekend :)

Hmm - 30 years into this but I think the difference was that we both continued to live each other and even if I had eaten with the DC I had a glass of wine with him whilst he ate when he got home after 9pm.

He played football too although by the time ds came along he just watched. However, once ds was about 3, he took ds with him.

There were lots of lonely times which I tend to label as self sufficient. But I knew he was a workaholic when we married and knew that wouldn't change.

There are compensations op: our homes here and in France, the lack of money worries, the fact that the children had the best education money could buy.

I think two things helped us. Firstly that we live each other very much and over the years that has grown (we are 60ish now and he has no plans to retire albeit he has slowed down a bit) and secondly when dd was settled in reception I went back to work and that gave me interests beyond the home and kept my mind agile.

Ultimately you have both to be happy and to live each other enough to compromise.

The one day a week he’s home he still gos out alone for lunch.

How does he justify this to you? It sounds very selfish.

Sounds like he makes a lot of excuses.

You've told him what you need but he isn't listening and acting on it. It's not like you even want it just for you, but for your DS too.

My dad was a workaholic so inevitably my parents separated, my mum didn't really have any financial issues to worry about though which made it easier to split.

Would he consider taking a step back and cutting down his hours if you helped make up the financial shortfall by returning to work? I think it puts you on the back foot a bit if on the one hand you’re pleading with him to work less and spend more time with you, but also still expecting to not work and earn anything yourself.

Other than that, I think that you’d be far less lonely living alone and being the lead player in your own life, than you are now because you live with somebody who doesn’t want to spend time with you, which is an even lonelier situation to be in.

He’s a selfish prick. Give him an ultimatum

Sounds like you need to take the steps to becoming more financially independent, OP. I echo what a PP said about “getting your ducks in a row”. There are good things about your situation in that you have the time and financial cushioning to gently work up to part-time work and maybe even eventually full-time, if living with your DH isn’t what you want at the end of the day.

You may even find that once you start your own career and interests that your DH will seek out your company more - it’s often the way. Then you get to decide whether you want the same or not.

If you stay you need to get yourself at least a part time job I think. It doesn't sound like either of you are being fulfilled in the relationship, and whilst you might be happy to settle, ultimately he might not be, choosing to leave or have an affair. If that happens and you've been out of work for years you could be very stuck financially. At least if you continue to do some work you wouldn't have too much difficulty finding a job. You could also create yourself a rainy day fund just in case it falls apart.

I think ultimately I would struggle to stay though. You aren't really modelling a healthy relationship right now.

Hi OP,

I read your post as if it were written by me in the future. I look to next year and imagine things could have got to the point where I could be writing it. My advice from here is to talk. To tell him how unhappy you are and be specific about what changes you think you need or what indicators of willingness to change you want to hear back. I wonder about getting counselling for yourself too online and him parenting during that time.