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Original poster

Thinking of splitting up and need help

26 replies

Confused11111 · 20/05/2021 12:36

Hi

I am 47 and been with my current partner for 7 years, and we are engaged. She has 2 children, and I have 1. We own our house together, and I have a good job. In the last 12 months, I've been feeling down and feel like I am only around to pay the bills. I have a good job, and I put all of my heart and soul into making sure everyone is happy. My partner wanted to open her own shop, so I made it so she could have this to make her happy, she wanted a new car, so I got her one. I pay most of the bills, and I feel like I get very little in return. She hasn't had sex with me for 6 months; she is cold and is only nice to me when she wants something. I've told her how I feel, and she acknowledges how she has been and says she will make an effort to make me feel more loved, but she manages that for a few days and then is back to normal. Even her daughter said, 'Mum, you're only nice when you want something. I'm getting to the point where I am so unhappy I've no spare money, I get no love or affection, she says she loves me, but I don't know what to do. I've spoken to her, and nothings really changing, I seem to give and give, and I really feel like giving up. Any help would be greatly received.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 20/05/2021 12:40

You sound miserable so I’d end it. What advice do you need? Sell up, split any equity, move on. She doesn’t have to agree, if you want out then end it.

HollowTalk · 20/05/2021 12:47

she is cold and is only nice to me when she wants something

This is horrible. You need to get out.

Rainbow321 · 20/05/2021 12:49

She is using you as a doormat . If you don't like the feeling. Change it.

Original poster
Confused11111 · 20/05/2021 13:24

It's so difficult, but I would feel so guilty as they would all really struggle without me, but I need to put my needs into the mix and my son, he is 15, and he doesn't get nearly enough of my attention, and I can't spend money on him much as it's all gone on other things.

OP posts:
FunMcCool · 20/05/2021 13:31

Leave her. A relationship isn’t a transaction but if you’re starved of love that’s not good either. Sell/buy her out and concentrate on your sons

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/05/2021 14:06

You owe it your own child to make him your priority.

She’s an adult and she’s responsible for her children. She coped before you got together, she’ll cope again.

You know what you need to do.

Saltedhero · 20/05/2021 14:18

Definitely make your son your priority over this woman. Don't spend anymore on her

Original poster
Confused11111 · 21/05/2021 05:53

Just in addition to this. Ages ago she said my mum had been mean to her when they were alone a few times in the past. I've never seen this and on the few occasions we are together my mum is nothing but nice. But we Dont see them much and I didn't speak to my mum about it when my fiance told me as I thought it would blow over. My parents then moved away are always asking about her and the girls but now my fiance will see them but won't stay over night now we can. This is also causing me stress. This apparent meaness happened a few years ago and I should have spoken to my mum then but I didn't so now my fiance says its too late and I can see them but she won't. Another thing I have to deal with. Family or her??

OP posts:
feistymumma · 21/05/2021 06:05

You sound unhappy, prioritise your son and your happiness and walk away from this relationship

Lozzerbmc · 21/05/2021 06:48

I think it might be time to call it a day with her. It doesnt ring true that your mum would be mean to her from what you’ve said.

Family first, particularly your son. He is the main priority in your life. your fiancee is an adiult and you are not responsible for her children.

Original poster
Confused11111 · 21/05/2021 10:53

No it doesnt my mum can say things and not realise. like she may mention my ex which is annoying but not enough to cut ties. As in my mum had a montage in a spare bedroom of my ex wife and us all and when my fiance saw it she went mental. My mum said she had it on for my son as a memory not to be mean to my fiance. She then removed the picture and put one in of me and my fiance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused11111 · 15/06/2021 05:26

So after much deliberation, i have left and moved out. She is currently in the house with her children. We both own the house equally.
The question is what do i do now, the mortgage and council tax will be due in the next few weeks, she cant afford to pay it so when its due it will be down to me, how much time is reasonable to sell the house or she moves out?

OP posts:
Dacquoise · 15/06/2021 10:40

Hi, I think you need to have a discussion with her about the logistics of the split as this situation can't go on indefinately. You must have your own living costs to think about and, as you are not married, technically you aren't liable for keeping your ex and her children, although you may not want to cut them off completely until they have had a chance to sort something out for themselves.

The mortgage payments are important to keep going and may affect your credit rating and ability to buy if you miss even one payment. Your ex may be able to apply for council tax discount if she is the only adult and may be able to claim some benefits if her income is very low. However, putting the house on the market is a good idea, as it will put an end to the financial tie between you.

Are you able to agree a deadline, perhaps four months, for both of you to move on? Does she receive any financial help from her ex for their children? You do need a deadline or this may drift on without an incentive for her to stand on her own feet financially.

BraxtonChic · 15/06/2021 15:24

You need to speak to her about selling the house because unless she can afford to buy you out, it will have to be sold.

Is her share of the equity enough to raise a deposit on a new home with a mortgage she can afford?

Original poster
Confused11111 · 16/06/2021 19:04

So weve text about the house and that's all we've discussed. I am wondering though she said “ah right no sentiment straight to money then’ when I left I packed my stuff and went! After that she was texting me asking why in wasn't fighting for it!! I said I tried and you weren't interested I talked to twice over a few months before leaving. Now I've left she seems very displeased that am just taking money and am wanting to get stuff sorted asap. She can't afford the mortgage she's waiting on universal credit and in the mean time, I want to get the house on the market as both need the money out of it! Am I been too fast going straight into money? There's nothing else to talk about! I feel like I've left her with nothing but I did try and she didn't want me so not my problem. I think she was expecting me to not do anything money and house wise for a few months

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused11111 · 16/06/2021 19:14

@Confused11111

So weve text about the house and that's all we've discussed. I am wondering though she said “ah right no sentiment straight to money then’ when I left I packed my stuff and went! After that she was texting me asking why in wasn't fighting for it!! I said I tried and you weren't interested I talked to twice over a few months before leaving. Now I've left she seems very displeased that am just taking money and am wanting to get stuff sorted asap. She can't afford the mortgage she's waiting on universal credit and in the mean time, I want to get the house on the market as both need the money out of it! Am I been too fast going straight into money? There's nothing else to talk about! I feel like I've left her with nothing but I did try and she didn't want me so not my problem. I think she was expecting me to not do anything money and house wise for a few months
I've written taking money I mean talking money
OP posts:
Dacquoise · 16/06/2021 19:25

If the relationship is over there really isn't any necessity to wait too long as you both need to sort out housing. She may be panicking about how she will manage financially but the house is unlikely to go through very quickly so she does have some breathing space.

Dacquoise · 16/06/2021 19:27

It can take six months or more to sell and buy something else so I don't think you are being hasty. It looks like you will have to cover the mortgage in that period.

Original poster
Confused11111 · 16/06/2021 19:27

Am just concerned that she's been off with me cos she knows she can't pay the mortgage and I can so she want to stay as long as possible. If I don't pay the mortgage then the house goes into arrears!

OP posts:
Dacquoise · 16/06/2021 19:31

Exactly so you need to put your head down and push the sale forward. Line up some estate agents to get valuations and get it on the market asap. It may focus her on sorting out her own housing etc.

VanCleefArpels · 16/06/2021 19:32

This is a useful checklist of things to consider/sort out when ending a relationship

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/

Ultimately if you cannot agree what to do with the house you will need to go to court to get an order for sale.

VanCleefArpels · 16/06/2021 19:34

Your partner needs to get themselves on the housing register by speaking to the Council Housing office - if they are already claiming benefits then they may get help paying rent in a private rental, some councils will give grants for deposits.

messybun101 · 16/06/2021 20:00

Where did you move to? You must have housing costs that you need to cover too

If she can't afford to buy you out it will have to be sold.

She should have at least her share of the mortgage paid with UC shouldn't she? Maybe other posters will know if they pay it all because op isn't living there so doesn't count towards the number of adults expected to pay or if op still has to pay half because his name is on the mortgage?

I don't think you're moving too fast talking money. This is even more money being taken from your son to pay for her still. It's unbelievable she thinks you're unreasonable. I'd be pissed off. And I say this who has a child who's father is the only earner at home. If our relationship was miserable and he left, I wouldn't expect him to fund me. I'd get my housing arrangements sorted and benefit assistance. He would keep paying for our child but wouldn't be paying for me anymore nor would I expect it.
You don't have a child together in this situation but you do have a son who still needs his dad's financial support. Focus on him, she's BU

Opentooffers · 16/06/2021 21:40

Didn't you get her a shop? Is she earning? Is the car on yours or her name ? Sell the new car of in your name, stop paying finance on it if it's in her name - unless you bought a new car outright and put it in her name, in which case, a fool and his money....I think she saw you coming, sad thing is, you've given to her whilst your son has lost out. Recoup what you can for his sake.

SarahDarah · 16/06/2021 21:45

Why on earth are you still with her Confused Sounds like you have issues with self esteem OP.

Break up with her and don't get married.

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