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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Bankruptcy, would you touch him with a bargepole?

28 replies

notatallsure313 · 20/05/2021 11:06

Got chatting this week with a guy online (OLD) and he seems really nice and normal. We have interests in common. He gave me his full name and where he worked (which I found a bit odd being as we don't know each other - I am much more guarded) and said I could look him up. So I did. And there also on the first page of google was a bankruptcy notice for him. He was made bankrupt last year. Its definitely him, right age and it has his full address, and he had told me the small town he lives in.

I'm a bit disappointed. Not looking for serious relationship, but still. I also find it a bit odd he disclosed so much about himself when we've only chatted for a couple of days.

OP posts:

NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 20/05/2021 11:11

Previous DH went bankrupt for tax. It was money they would have paid him back the following year, but they just wouldn’t let it go.
It wouldn’t put me off if there were no aggravating factors, I’d be impressed that he had pushed me into finding out. I am and always have been financially self-supporting.

Original poster

notatallsure313 · 20/05/2021 11:15

Or maybe he just never googled himself! He's not self-employed so I wonder how he got into all that debt?

OP posts:

WineAcademy · 20/05/2021 11:16

No, he has odd boundaries, at the very least. Pass.

Original poster

notatallsure313 · 20/05/2021 11:20

@WineAcademy

No, he has odd boundaries, at the very least. Pass.

Yes, I'm fairly new to OLD but surely it is odd to give out some much info so soon. I mean just giving out full name and place of work is odd - even that gives me his work address and email and phone. But now I also have his full home address. I could be anyone - a total stalker freak! And now I have all I need t stalk him. It makes me wonder if he is depressed by the bankruptcy and not thinking straight tbh.

OP posts:

broccolibush · 20/05/2021 11:20

Loads of people who have gone on to be very successful have been made bankrupt in the past. As have lots of normal people who, for a myriad of reasons, have got into debt that they can’t repay. It’s not a character failing to have fucked up on the money front - indeed it can be looked at as a learning experience or as a positive (in that they have faced up to the issue and addressed it in a mature way).

I used to work with the overly indebted. Most had got into that situation via a small mistake that snowballed or from a massive change in circumstances - divorce, redundancy etc. None of them took the step of going bankrupt lightly and we had very few repeat clients.

Wegobshite · 20/05/2021 11:49

My DH was bankrupt before I met him
He’s very successful now
Maybe he’s simply an open book type of person and by telling you where he works his address and number he showing he’s not got anything to hide .
I get why women don’t want to overshare personal stuff though but I think men don’t tend to worry about being stalked - although it can happen

HollowTalk · 20/05/2021 11:52

I think it's one thing if he had been self employed and his business got into trouble through no real fault of his own, but it's different if he was always employed and just over spent.

Taikoo · 20/05/2021 11:55

Nah.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 20/05/2021 11:57

Sounds like he uses this as a way of weeding out people who are put off

user1471538283 · 20/05/2021 12:02

I dated someone for a little while who turned out to be bankrupt. Unfortunately, this meant that we did not have a future because in my future at that time I wanted someone who could get a mortgage. I was also very cross because he admitted that he had spent the money on lovely cars, holidays and other women. Whilst I assumed thinking that he could find a woman to live with later on.

seensome · 20/05/2021 12:06

As you said you don't want a serious relationship, I don't see why it matters unless he can't pay his way for a date. If you were looking for a relationship then a pass.
Maybe he's so honest because he knows it'll put a lot of women off.

premium77 · 20/05/2021 12:15

I don’t know why people are making it out to be normal to have gone through bankruptcy in the past. It is absolutely not normal.

StarCourt · 20/05/2021 12:17

I think it's great he's been honest and given you the info you need to find out about him.
I ended up going bankrupt 6 years ago a few years after DH and I split up as he wouldn't pay towards anything that had been formerly shared bills eg nursery fees etc, then the divorce and a child contact battle cleaned me out completely. I worked full time and thought I could get it back but I couldn't.
It was thoroughly humiliating and horrendous but I've always been honest about it with prospective partners.

InTheGreatGreenRoom · 20/05/2021 12:34

We're considering going bankrupt due to being stuck in an unsellable fire risk flat with huge costs due the cladding scandal

Blossomandbee · 20/05/2021 12:37

It depends on the circumstances. Sometimes crap things happen to people and things go wrong.
My DH was bankrupt when we met. Not all his fault. He's very careful with money now, has built himself back up and we have no debts except a mortgage.

chipsandpeas · 20/05/2021 12:41

having had debt issues in the past (not as bad as being made bankrupt tho) i wouldnt judge and rule him out

HollowTalk · 20/05/2021 12:52

@InTheGreatGreenRoom

We're considering going bankrupt due to being stuck in an unsellable fire risk flat with huge costs due the cladding scandal

I'm so sorry you're in that situation. It's terrible the way this has happened.

Original poster

notatallsure313 · 20/05/2021 12:52

@InTheGreatGreenRoom

We're considering going bankrupt due to being stuck in an unsellable fire risk flat with huge costs due the cladding scandal

Jesus! I have been following that on the news. Its just a bloody disgrace how people in your situation are being treated.

OP posts:

WineAcademy · 20/05/2021 13:11

Just to be clear, I'm not passing judgement on the actual bankruptcy, god knows most of us are a wing and a prayer away from serious financial issues.

It's the lack of boundaries about personal information with strangers on t'internet that gives me pause. It just weirds me out. Why would he do that? For what purpose? And would he be just as cavalier about the OP's personal information? Is he trying to elicit a feeling of closer bond/kindship than is natural at this stage?

I'd be wary, is all.

PoTheDog · 20/05/2021 13:15

Regardless of what you decide to do (it would put me off, but I also wouldn't be interested in a casual relationship, so we're in different places like that), you might want to let him know just how much you've found so easily.

If he doesn't know then it might stop something bad happening in the future

Bigbluebuttons · 20/05/2021 13:16

Melania didn’t mind...

NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 20/05/2021 13:16

Without being too outing I’d like to explain (deceased) DH’s problems more - he worked in a very physical role in an industry where remuneration is by profit share, and became seriously ill. We were not long married and he had previous issues which made permanent health insurance unrealistic.

It really can happen to anyone. I offered the money but he refused to take it.

Original poster

notatallsure313 · 20/05/2021 13:20

you might want to let him know just how much you've found so easily

I've already pointed that out to him, and asked about the bankruptcy - not heard back yet.

Must admit I do feel a bit weird about this too. Maybe he is new to OLD. Maybe its because he is a man. Still, I've not come across any other man giving out so much information so quickly. It does make me wonder what is going on there.

OP posts:

Colourmeclear · 20/05/2021 13:22

I'd worry he was using someone else's identity and so has encouraged you to look him up to show that 'he' exists.

Original poster

notatallsure313 · 20/05/2021 13:23

@Colourmeclear

I'd worry he was using someone else's identity and so has encouraged you to look him up to show that 'he' exists.

I did wonder that! And if he's going to start asking me for cash as he's bankrupt! He's not going to get far with that!

OP posts:

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