Narcissist / PD ex

[GeorgeRRRRRMartin]

I have posted in the lone parents section about my exH and how difficult it is but wondered if anyone here had any advice concerning my relationship with my ex. He is a very difficult man (and was during our marriage as well; I am in therapy now and starting to see how awful he was to me, to the extent that my hair fell out from the stress of being married to him). He is incredibly contrary for example if I want to swap weekends for a really important occasion (we share contact) he will say no, just because he can. DC have missed several family occasions e.g bar mitzvah / 90th birthday party as a result. He hides the DCs equipment then refuses to answer me when I ask where it is.
He took me to court because he wanted sole custody of DC even though he had never shown any interest in them before.
He sends pages and pages of emails to my solicitor and has been so rude that he has had to remind him to be polite. (Not swearing or threatening, just being disrespectful, quoting the law at him, excessive use of first name) He has made formal complaints about my solicitor, about the social worker from caffcass etc. He goes after people he think have wronged him. He has broken my possessions then gone 'who me?' when confronted. He will argue that the sky is yellow if I say it's blue, just because he can. He hates losing and to him, "losing" includes things like water bottles going missing and then me emailing to ask if he has it. He always had a very nasty competitive streak, and used to 'collect' people who he thought would be useful to him. He doesn't have any real friends as people avoid him once they know what he is like. If he got away with not having to buy a round in the pub he would gloat about it afterwards and he would keep a tally in his head of how much money he had saved. If he made an enemy at work he would enjoy getting them into trouble (he didn't last for more than 6 months in jobs because he cannot follow orders and always thinks he knows best, then he would hold a grudge against the organisation and threaten legal action). There is other stuff too but it is too identifying to write here. He is just really really awful! And now I am his enemy. He has already reported me multiple times to social services and to my health visitor (I had post natal depression but I am ok now. I think the PND was maybe not true PND but rather because I was married to him). Please if anyone has any ideas about how to co-parent or not let him get to me I would be very happy tia x

This sounds a bit like my partners ex wife.. its infuriating, constantly messing with you, I really cant get my head round it.
I'm sorry I don't have much advice just to say I really feel for you, and well done for getting away from him so at least he's not your partner anymore. Do you have any friends or family you can let off steam to...
Does your DC get on well with him? He will eventually get in trouble with SS etc if he keeps wasting their time with lies. Anyway sorry I'm not much help and good luck, I hope things get easier for you x

This sounds horrendous, I feel for you. I have heard really good things about the my family wizard app. I would look into the grey rock technique and I would look at keeping a spare set of things for your child at your house so you don't need to ask him for things. I would maintain the set weekends as set - don't ask him for anything as he will only tell you no. You take the same approach if he ever asks to change weekends. There are lots of resources about parallel parenting so I would look into that. I follow Caroline Strawson on Instagram and she talks a lot about this sort of thing.

@Ripley1977

This sounds a bit like my partners ex wife.. its infuriating, constantly messing with you, I really cant get my head round it. I'm sorry I don't have much advice just to say I really feel for you, and well done for getting away from him so at least he's not your partner anymore. Do you have any friends or family you can let off steam to... Does your DC get on well with him? He will eventually get in trouble with SS etc if he keeps wasting their time with lies. Anyway sorry I'm not much help and good luck, I hope things get easier for you x

Thank you xx he has totally ruined my mental health. Which I suspect was part of his plan all along? Older DC is a tween + kind of indifferent to him. I think she is starting to see what a weird guy he is. Middle DC likes him the most. Youngest DC actively dislikes him and doesn't like going to contact, cries and screams when it is time to go. Eldest has said that he gets impatient with youngest at mealtimes etc. as she is in a difficult toddler stage.

@Dogfan

This sounds horrendous, I feel for you. I have heard really good things about the my family wizard app. I would look into the grey rock technique and I would look at keeping a spare set of things for your child at your house so you don't need to ask him for things. I would maintain the set weekends as set - don't ask him for anything as he will only tell you no. You take the same approach if he ever asks to change weekends. There are lots of resources about parallel parenting so I would look into that. I follow Caroline Strawson on Instagram and she talks a lot about this sort of thing.

Thank you for this - I haven't heard off parrallell parenting til now but it looks good. It is sort of what we do anyway but I didn't know it was a thing. I truly wish we could co-parent but it is like he actively wants to make this impossible

I know it is hard and very frustrating but you need to not engage. Over anything. Don't give him the satisfaction.

Don't ask after things
Don't ask to swap contact time etc
Only communicated about pickup and drop off times.

Use a family app. I did this ex refused to down load it. I stopped answering his questions. Everything was on the app. Activities ,appointment assemblies, school holidays etc.

I know when the kids are missing stuff it is infuriating. Hats and gloves jumpers coats etc have all gone missing. And mine only go for 24 hours a fortnight. I send it once. Then tell the kids. You have a hat at dads. Ask him to find it.

Mind are older now. And have learnt to organise themselves it has taken ages but I have drilled into them. If you take it off. Put it in your bag.

Any communication via email and keep it as business like as possible.

Show him you have clear boundaries. And don't get drawn in to anything.

You can't co parent which is the most frustrating part as no matter what you do he will view it as a way to win or get control. He sees you as the enemy to wear down

Does he have a partner ? It might help as he may try to show he is reasonable. In my case it actually got worse as she believed all his lies but it has helped others.

I wish I could offer you advice that would make it better but there isn't a solution. Over time his control will naturally reduce but realistically its when the dc are teens.

Don't expect anything, don't react to his provocation, research NPD on YouTube. Dr Ramani is very useful.
I think you'll have to accept that he will not put the Dr's interests first so assume he will say no to flexibility.

You have escaped...focus on healing as NPD has a negative impact on physical health.

@unicornsarereal72

I know it is hard and very frustrating but you need to not engage. Over anything. Don't give him the satisfaction.

Don't ask after things
Don't ask to swap contact time etc
Only communicated about pickup and drop off times.

Use a family app. I did this ex refused to down load it. I stopped answering his questions. Everything was on the app. Activities ,appointment assemblies, school holidays etc.

I know when the kids are missing stuff it is infuriating. Hats and gloves jumpers coats etc have all gone missing. And mine only go for 24 hours a fortnight. I send it once. Then tell the kids. You have a hat at dads. Ask him to find it.

Mind are older now. And have learnt to organise themselves it has taken ages but I have drilled into them. If you take it off. Put it in your bag.

Any communication via email and keep it as business like as possible.

Show him you have clear boundaries. And don't get drawn in to anything.

I think that is what I will have to start doing. I blocked him on WhatsApp and asked to use email, as it feels less intrusive when he's ranting at me. I needed him to message me a few days ago and he says he whatsapped me the answer - even though he can see he has been blocked / message not sent because he wouldn't have got the 2 blue ticks.

I think your right I will have to stop asking to change contact because the stress of it all when I am waiting for him to reply is too much it is sad for kids as they miss out and sad for family members who want them at special occasions

Yes my ex hustand was like this. (whole back story) but that's not important now.
You need to put in some very strong boundaries and also except you can not Co parent again as someone has said it's parallel parenting. I used to tell the kids "well that's daddies rules, but while your here at my house it's my rules"
You need to narrow down the amount of contact/communication you have with him.
You could have a communication book that goes back and forth with the children. Also block him on all communication except email and phone and only phone (while he has them, incase of an emergency).
Don't change weekends or contact, except the children will have to miss the party etc etc. Think of it as a business relationship and communicate as little as possible and never with emotion.
Buy big bundles of second hand clothes and send the children in them. It will be less annoying if they are never returned.

Thank you, I have looked up parallell parenting and as sad as it is to admit it, I think it is for the best. I think we are already doing it mostly already - I would have preferred to co-parent as this is what the DCs want, but he refuses to engage unlesd it's to be difficult or to be nasty. I like the idea of just saying this is my house so my rules as eldest is starting to use the "Daddys says I can" approach. It is just so bloody exhausting. I am always looking over my shoulder ☹