How do get boyfriend to support me through this tough time, I should I even expect support?

[Fightingback16]

I’m going through a difficult time, to be fair I have been for what seems like forever..... I have a boyfriend for about 8 months, I’ve tried to give him a get out of jail card as I feel guilty about bringing my stressed self to him but he won’t go.

I like him very much. I’m going through child contact at court and have a trial impending and I’m getting stressed.

I don’t know how to get him to help me, what to ask from him because I feel guilty. But I do need some support, am i wrong to ask it of him. What do I ask for?

I don’t expect him to take away the pain but I do need something. He gives me gifts and flowers, although lovely it’s not what I need. I just need to know he is there as I feel very alone in my memories. The case is awful, very bad abuse and when I have trials approaching it digs up all my memories I have hidden away and I feel alone in them. I am heavily triggered by them.

It would seem to me that at this terribly difficult time in your life, a relationship is not the best idea at all.

That's why you're struggling with it.

Because going through child contact at court is INCREDIBLY stressful. It's akin to being at war...it's no time to try and manage a relationship.

Him giving you flowers isn't making it ok or bearable because nobody CAN make it ok or bearable. It's very much something you have to deal with alone.

Yes I agree and I was alone for 2 years and that was how it was going to be and then we met each other out of the blue.

He is very special. But I find it hard thinking about that relationship and the abusive one.

Your situation sounds awful and i feel for you but i’m not sure what he can realistically offer you if you don’t know yourself?

Do you need him to listen to you? Be there physically with a hug and so on? Do you need him to change some sort of behaviour?

When do you feel you need the support? Are some times of the day harder than others? Those questions might help you get more clarity. But, I think it’s also really important to get professional support especially for such a difficult and complex problem. Your boyfriend may have no experience whatsoever with supporting trauma so may not be the best person to seek that from especially when it’s still a fairly new relationship.

A relationship is supposed to offer mutual support and sometimes there is imbalance however you would normally expect that after a long time together.

The first few years should have lightness and fun so both of you are missing out on this which will impact the relationship as you need the good times to fall back on.

I don't think anyone can support you effectively in a contact case. I've been there. Perhaps friends or people who have gone through are the best sources of support. It's not good to overshare abuse with a new person so I can't see how he can be your go to person

I think you have to decide that he isn't your main support.. he is your lightness and fun however I know I would have struggled with compartmentalising. Whilst you might want a relationship, is it really the best time?

Yes you are right and there really isn’t anything he can do to make this any better. He is so very sweet and what I need changes everyday sometimes every hour. So far I’ve refrained from poking him and texting him as id definitely confuse him and probably say stuff I don’t mean but need a release.

I think that’s what I need to release how I feel and have a good cry, get angry be scared. I don’t want to do that in front of him as that’s not right I don’t think. I had a IDVA but the charity has stopped die to covid. I have a lot of conflicting emotions and built up stress. It is a scary time, plus I dislike my memories.

When I’m with him I am distracted, he is my calm place, my place where my memories are not reality anymore. He genuinely means a lot to me. But he is like you said very inexperienced and has no idea of the enormity of what I’ve been through.

We have had a lot of good times, when I don’t have impending things I am not like this. We recently had a great camping trip. I have discussed with him this and what I have in my life and he will not walk away from me and says he is here but I fear he doesn’t really understand.

@PriestessofPing

Your situation sounds awful and i feel for you but i’m not sure what he can realistically offer you if you don’t know yourself?

Do you need him to listen to you? Be there physically with a hug and so on? Do you need him to change some sort of behaviour?

When do you feel you need the support? Are some times of the day harder than others? Those questions might help you get more clarity. But, I think it’s also really important to get professional support especially for such a difficult and complex problem. Your boyfriend may have no experience whatsoever with supporting trauma so may not be the best person to seek that from especially when it’s still a fairly new relationship.

This.

What do you want him to do? If your expectations are high, it's unfair to ask him to step up after a short relationship.
Obviously you need support but I think whatever he does, you will perhaps find fault with.
Do you have family / friends that can support you instead?

What about friends/family/therapist offering you support?

You need to focus on recovering from your abusive relationship with a therapist before jumping into another relationship.

In any case, it's way too much to be putting all the pressure of making you feel good on one person who you've only known for 8 months! Stop looking to men to fix you or father you. Unless you work on this through proper therapy, you are very likely to choose an abusive man in the future again.

I realise I want too much and this is a lonely path. It is mine to carry.

He does not understand that his company in any way makes things more bearable for me but he has his own life and doesn’t understand the enormity of my emotions and why would he my past is extremely complicated even for me at times.

@Fightingback16

We have had a lot of good times, when I don’t have impending things I am not like this. We recently had a great camping trip. I have discussed with him this and what I have in my life and he will not walk away from me and says he is here but I fear he doesn’t really understand.

@Fightingback16 8 months is too soon for someone to say they won't "walk away from you"- anything can change with how either of you feel about each other or your situations, so how on earth can he promise this??

It's not like you've both decided to legal commit to each other and are married and have vowed with the intention to be with each other for the rest of your lives. You're only dating each other. Dating relationships break up all the time which is perfectly normal. If the relationship stops working for him, of course he will end it (which is what either of you should do if it's not working)
If a guy is saying he won't walk away at this point, I would be be seeing that as a red flag. He's making promises he knows he doesn't have to keep.

With all kindness, you need someone else to lean on when it comes to family court. I've been where you are, and as much as my partner loves me and my children, she has no experience with family court. It frustrated her to feel helpless and useless, and put too much pressure on us as a couple.

I turned to other support systems (Facebook groups, a friend who is an ex social worker, etc) and it helped enormously. I get advice and the opportunity to vent with people who know what to say/do/offer, and I can tell her the outcome of my decisions when my emotions aren't running so high.

I felt crushed by family court. I am sorry you're going through it, and I hope you can find a way out the other side intact.

I would not choose another abusive man, I am very well educated now about what happened and why. I know why I let it happen and have a lot more self worth.

I have needs though, I will always have my past and anyone with me will need to accept the person I am now has been formed through my experience. I am finding court stressful, as would anyone. I am unsure how to ask for support, surely all people at times need support. If it wasn’t this it could be something else, a death, job loss etc.

I had therapy and was told to not try and deal with everything alone which I’ve always done so asking for support and what I want is a bit allusive to me.

What I meant by walking away was I was very honest and upfront and told him that I am in a very stressful situation and may act out of character and that if this is too much then I’m happy if he thinks it’s too much and to end it now I would not be angry with him. He said he understands but he is here for me. Part of me just thinks that’s because he doesn’t fully understand, maybe he does, I don’t know. I’m probably overthinking.

It is hard to go from having to analysis every small detail for the courts to switching back to an actual normal relationship and not do he same which I feel I’m doing.

I’ve complicated things by entering into a relationship. I wasn’t at all looking and but sparked my dead heart it seems.

Since you have only been together a short time, is there nobody closer to you that you can lean on for support? Like a family member or a close friend? It's too much, too soon for you to rely on this guy for heavy things like this. You don't know each other well enough to know how to support one another and it will put an unnecessary strain on your relationship, which is the last thing you need right now.

I feel like you should probably seek some proper therapy and seperate that from your relationship. He cant really make this better for you. Sometimes all someone can do is to just be there, not leave, and remind you that you have someone on your side.
This is quite a new relationship. You have needs he wont be able to meet, and he probably has needs you wont be able to meet at this time.

Yes I had a great place of support in the charity with its groups and the therapy they gave but they have just stopped and it’s a great loss to me and I’m sure others. Being a victim of abuse is hard and lonely and you are all right in that I can’t get it from him. There just isn’t at the moment a lot going on because of covid.

It sounds like a really difficult time. So much support is just non existent since covid. We havent even been able to access family support properly for ages, let alone professional support.
I havent been through what youre going through but I totally get that feeling of just not feeling like you even know what you need people to do, and desperatly needing someone to be able to make it all better and to make you feel safe.
Sounds like he wants to help, but doesnt really know how, but theres a lot to be said for someone just being there while youre trying to process things

Thanks @Branleuse that’s a really nice reply thank you.