Fearful or just breadcrumbing?!

[shemesheli]

I dated a nice man for past 5 months. Both post divorce of couple of years. Communicating regularly & meeting every couple of weeks due to life’s work (night shifts) / childcare schedule.

He has two failed marriages behind him which truly troubled him as a committed Father (has kids every weekend).
Always spoke of being cautious of another upheaval as loyal & how much missed family life.

Brought me into his life with sending me family photos, telling me everything about his world.... always seemed very honest with a caring approach.

Due to not being able to meet cause of kids etc we decided to have a play date as if kids met maybe we could see each other more even though both cautious about this.

I felt he keep pulling in and out.....
We met two weeks ago had a nice day together .....
Before I leave he says something needs to change..... It’s awkward between us, let’s set out our values / goals and if on the same page let’s go for it then he said he was pulling in and out as one moment he wanted it and the next he felt he should be alone now forever.........
I left a little confused and felt moved by emotions, it was the first time we spoke about anything serious as I was still really trying to still get to know him.

Communication changed after as we both agreed to lighten up a little and it has been somewhat supportive, fractioned and less than before....We haven’t met since.

He stated he no longer where’s heart on sleeve but really likes me....
It’s just all in the air..... no contact for a few days via messages.

Is this breadcrumbing or just someone who’s not healed from past baggage?

Feel so disappointed as really wanted to continue just getting to know him as there was genuine / good chemistry and a connection.

Failed to mention when met he was asking me questions that seemed to be checking whether I was over my post divorce situation.

It all sounds like too much hassle, it can be exhausting trying to work somebody out. I think the bottom line is (as always), if someone truly likes you they will find a way to make it work. They will work around other commitments. I don’t think you would ever feel certain that someone like this wouldn’t suddenly pull back again.

It sounds to me like he's still recovering from his past. 5 months isn't a long time and given the past year we've had, when nothing has been normal, it probably equates to 2 months dating and getting to know each other, which is not much.
I understand your disappointment as I think it's rare to fine a connection with dating ( I read threads on here about OLD, and, oh my !).
I would still see him, just not rush anything ( am not saying you are), see where this approach takes you.

2 divorces, kids every weekend and now introducing this much stress at 5 months straight after lockdown? Is he truly worth all this?

What is OLD? Sorry new to this.....

Yes it is exhausting yet due to the genuine connection / chemistry .... I persisted otherwise would have closed the door. Introducing children felt like his step to work around our commitments ....BUT then pulled back again.....
He stated we take a step forward and two steps backwards.

He’s been sporadically honest why he does it but it also seems like we are both pulling too.

After he mentioned values & goals I went home and broke down! I think it’s all the uncertainty of a new relationship, wanting him yet coping with our fears. So I told him let’s just lighten up..... He then played TOO MUCH Mr cool which concerned me so I sabotaged it....... Told him lets just let go of it as prefer to walk away bravely if he’s not truly available.
We did correspond inbetween in a supportive way.

I just fear it’s over or back to square one as he’s brief with messages.

All I would like is to continue dating and enjoy our time it was a hard year and yes such chemistry / connection is hard to find...... I feel tearful as he’s stopped messaging passed few days at the thought he’s decided against all. I would normally just be direct yet feel the space is necessary also.

Are some things just worth fighting this uncertainty and being patient fir? Can that work..... or is it better to walk away.

Oops ‘let’s let go....’ then contradicted and said let’s just continue but lighten up!

Sorry it’s clear we’ve totally confused each other. Weird as otherwise both very frank and uncomplicated with everything else.

Walk away it should just be fun.

Feasibly you could just date someone for years and not blend families ever rather than being certain after a few weeks whether this is the one!

When we are together it is fun and that’s what I wanted to continue. Trying to find a way to spend more time together.

The inner fears of this coupling all seem to stem from the idea of blending our families. Which I wanted fat more time on to decide anything, after all you need to know someone far more.

I do feel ‘truly’ disappointed this has just been stunted and wish that it picks up to start again on the right page..... ;-(

What’s breadcrumbing?

He sounds a bit boring and self indulgent OP. Men seem to feel they deserve a relationship that will tolerate all this nonsense. I'd walk away for now. If he's truly interested he'll make it happen without all the hysteria.

Sounds like hard work - meant to be fun at this stage, if he really wanted too he would make the time to see you.

WaterBottle123

He sounds a bit boring and self indulgent OP. Men seem to feel they deserve a relationship that will tolerate all this nonsense. I'd walk away for now. If he's truly interested he'll make it happen without all the hysteria.

This..

WaterBottle123
Notimefor

THIS 👍🏻

I want you to know that your words have given me strength and returned me to base!

I’m clearly dealing with a person with avoidant attachment, once upon a time secure yet life’s issues have left them with unsettled dust!

I don’t feel I’m getting what I need from it so although a super nice man it’s making me feel anxious and I’m otherwise secure, not what I want at this stage..... It’s interesting as it reminds me of a younger love who was also avoidant, which shattered my heart into pieces.

I’m quietly walking away.... x

They tend to show their true colours around the 3 month + mark.

I agree with this - I have always hated the 3 month mark as you usually find they will start dragging feet, and making excuses, as they are not wanting anything serious.