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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Let Down!

21 replies

JenuineGelly · 19/05/2021 23:19

I think I'm just looking for some advice/support really. I've been seeing a guy a short while, both super keen (or so I thought) and very suddenly he has done a complete 180 and ended things. It's the age old story. I've been through this loads before, I've been the one who has done the 180. This one just feels different, I am gutted!

I have a rubbish history with men. Long term relationship who I lived with, physically and emotionally abusive, absolute twat, things ended terribly. This ended fully two/three years ago, since then I have dated and "seen" multiple people but nothing has ever gone anywhere. Some their decisions, some mine. I've had a FWB, a short term boyfriend, many dates etc but I've just not felt much. I assumed this was because of my relationship with my ex, massively intense highs and lows and the feeling that I'll never get those "highs" back.

I met this latest guy very recently and I just instantly felt "this is it." I have no idea why, I have never felt this way before. I am usually extremely guarded, rational, logical and don't let myself be vulnerable in any way, though with him it was completely different, I was open to him and trusted him implicitly. It felt so right, so easy, I had no doubt in my mind that this would go somewhere, I was 100% sure! I cant quite work out why I felt this way, all I can do is stress that I never give anything away and I keep my cards closed to my chest but with him, I just let myself fall.

Hes now gone. One day he was holding my hands, looking into my eyes and saying all of this shite and the next it's over. I never ever believe anyone. I believed him, implicitly.

Im now feeling extremely stupid and hurt and embarrassed. I'm struggling to make sense of my feelings. I know I'll get over him quickly, I just feel so hurt, so let down, so angry.

I dont really know why I'm posting! I guess help with understanding why I felt the way I did and why I let myself feel this way?

Im worried that each time something like this happens I lose more and more of myself (in a dating/relationship sense) I'm approaching 30, I want to settle down.

OP posts:

nolovelost · 20/05/2021 07:31

Hugs to you. What was his reason?

Sunflower1970 · 20/05/2021 07:51

So sorry and how disappointing. Can you look at it and think is there any reason why he’s ended it? Has he told you why?

bangheadhere40 · 20/05/2021 08:00

Why had he ended it?

HideAndSeeking · 20/05/2021 08:05

Sounds like it was too heavy and intense too soon, and there was a lot of idealisation involved, of course you’re going to get hurt in that situation. There may be a happy medium between how closed you described yourself to be before this, and how far and quickly you opened yourself this time. Moderation is key.

Original poster

JenuineGelly · 20/05/2021 08:55

Thanks for the replies.

HideAndSeeking - I think youre bob on, I've gone from one extreme to the other and neither is right. I need to find a happy inbetween! I really struggle with that.

He said that he felt we were sexually compatible, however that we are emotionally incompatible. He said he wants something long term, to settle down etc and that he just felt we would be good in the short term but wouldn't work in the long term and that we may have petty arguments and he doesnt have time to waste. We are in our (mid-late) 20s so this just seems like an excuse to me, i felt we had more emotional chemistry than sexual. He then told me that he'd done this before, gone from being "obsessed" with someone to nothing and he couldn't get that back. We didn't talk much on the Monday after seeing each other at the weekend, he said he'd lost interest in this time! It all feels like an excuse to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

JenuineGelly · 20/05/2021 09:04

Sorry, that we arent** emotionally compatible.

OP posts:

Hehx3 · 20/05/2021 09:06

Hi op, its not right how he played it and you have a right to be hurt. However treat it as a part of experience. We are all learning for the whole life. Bottom line is that the right man will not leave you - you haven't lost. His reasons, intentions are not important. Keep your chin up and good luck

Original poster

JenuineGelly · 20/05/2021 09:31

Thank you! At first I thought he hadn't done anything wrong, after all we can end things for whatever reason (or no reason at all) at any point. I was more angry with myself for letting myself feel this way. But he definitely did lead me on, he said he felt differently when I saw him at the weekend, yet before I left he was talking about how he cant wait to see me more, he was going to miss me etc.

Youre right in that his intentions or reasons don't matter. This is my way of accepting things, trying to make sense of the whys, but it's irrelevant and pointless!

He just seemed to be everything I was looking for, looks and personality wise, so I feel really disappointed.

OP posts:

Aprilx · 20/05/2021 10:52

It seems like a lot of waffle to me too. But sometimes it is hard to pin down and explain why something is not right, so I can’t real blame him for that. To be honest would a “good” reason help anyway, I doubt it.

Original poster

JenuineGelly · 20/05/2021 11:34

Fair point, April, probably no reason would be "enough."

I think its right that he just had a "feeling" that we won't work long term, I find that really difficult to accept as I cant fix that, I cant make it better. I realise that's my own problem and his feelings are valid and he doesnt need to justify himself.

Really, I think I'm so hurt because I just felt so natural and safe and comfortable with him. It's been a shite few years (I know it has for everyone) unexpected tragic family bereavement, abusive relationship and everything else - I just thought he was the light at the end of the tunnel, I havent felt that way before.

Everything will be fine, I know that. I'm just trying to work out why I felt this way about him and what it means/meant. Maybe I just saw something he didn't see.

OP posts:

wobblywinelover · 20/05/2021 12:01

Sounds more like lies than waffle to me. He's probably a serial player for all you know. Sorry this has happened OP but do look after yourself and get tested if you've slept with him

Hehx3 · 20/05/2021 12:13

He is most likely a player, best case avoidant. There might be something going on in your life that just made you more recipient to love bombing and future faking, it is most likely not you (you seem very grounded and reasonable). So perhaps that is worth exploring. This is great opportunity to give yourself that love op. He can go on and live empty life as that might be his thing.

Original poster

JenuineGelly · 20/05/2021 12:13

Thanks, only slept together once (possibly to do with him changing his mind?) but we used a condom.

I didnt get the player impression, but then what do I know! He told me he meant the things he said at the time but now he doesn't. He said he's done this before, just changed his mind like that.

I've been with someone 6 months and not felt so disappointed when that ended. I barely knew this guy, just that everything I knew I liked. I even thought that if I could design someone perfect for me looks and personality wise then it'd be him! How stupid am I

OP posts:

Original poster

JenuineGelly · 20/05/2021 12:21

Thanks Heh. It's nice to hear that it's (probably) not my fault as I blame myself.

I think I just need to realise that I barely knew him, of course he seemed ace, they all do so early on! All I knew was the small snippets he let me see, same with me to him. So I cant say he felt so right for me as I didn't bloody know him. I think I'm just annoyed I didn't get that chance to get to know him and to see if we worked or not.

OP posts:

wobblywinelover · 20/05/2021 14:34

So he's taken a U turn since he's slept with you OP? sorry but this is classic behaviour of a player. He got what he wanted, he's realised you want more, he doesn't, so he's changed his mind. He's trying to do it in a 'kind' way by saying he has done this sort of thing before ie 'changed his mind'. Some blokes are all about the thrill of the chase - this is how it seems to me in this case.

seensome · 20/05/2021 14:43

I think the thrill of the chase type of guy not wanting to settle down yet, it really sucks but at least you know now before a real relationship had chance to start, just be strong and refuse to get back with him if he contacts, if he does he's only got one thing on his mind.

Original poster

JenuineGelly · 20/05/2021 14:48

Yes I know, its a complete classic. Though it has never actually happened to me before!

I did obviously challenge him on this. He said he knows it looks that way, however he "could have" continued sleeping with me if he'd wanted. He said he can't waste his time doing that as he wants to meet someone and settle down and doesnt have time to waste when he knows something isn't right.

I've jusy been completely fooled here havent I

OP posts:

Original poster

JenuineGelly · 20/05/2021 14:52

Thanks, seen. Yes, like you said, I'm glad I found out now.

Im going to take a break from OLD!

OP posts:

wanadu2022 · 20/05/2021 16:15

Ah, OP, it's the worst. Meeting someone you really like who feels like that rare gem in the sewage of OLD and then they walk away.

I wouldn't necessarily class him a player. He might have just not felt the connection he was looking for. Sometimes, you think maybe the connection will grow after sex, and when it still doesn't feel right, you have to walk away. Best to think that than assume you got fooled or played.

I remember dating a guy for a few months and thought everything was going well, except he never seemed that keen to set up dates. Very keen when I asked him, or we did plan them though. After 2 months he ended things saying that though he really liked me and enjoyed our time together, he wasn't getting that feeling that told him this was a long term thing. And he had felt it in previous relationships. I was devastated because he ticked every box and a bit upset at the time. But then realised, he just didn't feel it, nothing I said or did, and he wasn't a bad guy. But weirdly it stung a LOT more than even my marriage ending, I think because we never really got off the ground so there was not a lot to mourn other than loss of potential. I read somewhere that the 'almost relationship' always hurts a lot more than a full blown one because you never got to experience the feeling of being properly together.

Chin up. Good idea to take a break from OLD and heal, Then go back to it once ready. But the good news is if you could open up to someone like you did him, you can do it again!

wanadu2022 · 20/05/2021 16:17

And the guy who ended things with me did end up in a LTR 6 months later with someone else and tbh they did seem better suited! So sometimes it really is that they're not your person - not that they purposely set out to mess you about.

Original poster

JenuineGelly · 20/05/2021 16:32

Thank you wanadu, what you say makes a lot of sense! I relate to what you're saying a lot, that this situation hurt more than losing a real relationship as you just dont know "what if." Like you said, OLD can be soul destroying at times and when you meet someone who ticks all of your boxes its so difficult to not get caught up in it.

He said he felt we were sexually compatible but not emotionally compatible (I actually felt more the other way around) I'm obviously glad he didn't use me for sex going forward, if he didn't feel anything else.

I also like what you said about how there was nothing you could have done or said, it just wasn't there and that's okay! I'll keep rereading that

OP posts:

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