Ok, am I being a drama llama or would you be miffed ?

[GertieCB]

Right, so I work live in for 1 week on 1 week off live in ( adult care centre). Recently covered annual leave for a colleague so out of 28 days I'm away for 21
DH is always telling me how much he misses me , first night home of 6 ( travel eats into my time off) & he goes out to watch the footy, then stays out for another hour " for a nice bit of a chat with my mate". So I am sat home on my own. Oh, but I got to cook & walk the dog ( yay me ).
DH goes out when I'm away , I ve no issue at all with this but I actually feel really sad that he has done this.

I'd be a bit hurt too.

You read posts from women on here whose DHs work away. They seem to make a big fuss for his return. Homecooked meal and ready for sex.

None of them swanned off to the pub or game when he got in from being away. Quick peck on the cheek. Glad you're back. I'm off to the pub.

Couple of questions@GertieCB
"Bring in the cash" = does your husband not work?
Who does the "shitwork" while you're at work

Good point, has he done nothing since you've been away and you have returned to 3 weeks of housework while he's sat at home not working doing nothing?

@Hont1986

If this was a man talking about his wife going out to see her friend, you'd be getting very different answers.

"Oh, but I got to cook & walk the dog ( yay me )."
You mean like he's been doing for 21 of the last 28 days?

What kind of answers do you think they would get?

He's just had 3 weeks of shitwork, and regularly does week on/week off of shitwork. Because OP is not there to do it at all.

And that's assuming that he does nothing whatseover when OP is there. Which might be the case, though that would leave him with over 50%.

OP is not being left the shitwork, she's regularly completely away from it .

She's miffed because this once he had something arranged for the first night she's back. And though I can she why she's miffed, I think she needs to tell him that she missed him and it was hard to see him go out.

But also needs to realise that he has a life every week, not just the ones she's there.

And it's most definitely not his fault that this Wednesday was the first time to watch footie in a pub for months. Though the date for this week's easing was only confirmed a little while ago, it's been on the roadmap for months. This could have been planned way before OP's shifts were finalised.

When your spouse works away frequently, you need your mates and you need a life. And it's wrong to expect them to always drop everything.

What do you mean ‘bring in the cash’ and ‘do the shitwork’?

YABU
He’s been doing “the shitwork” and walking the dog for 3 weeks.
He went out for one night, there is no issue here.

1 hour? OP is begrudging 1 hour?

I can see both sides of this. You’ve been away for three weeks plus what sounds like a long journey and it would have been nice for you to get a proper welcome home, cooked meal, sex etc as people have said. Equally, the whole country has been waiting to sit inside a pub this week and if I was your husband I might think, hold on, why shouldn’t I go to the pub and why shouldn’t OP cook her tea and walk the dog, it’s her dog too and I’ve been walking it myself for the last three weeks and making my own tea?

It depends what the context is to you feeling like you’re just there to ‘bring in the cash and do the shitwork’. If he doesn’t work and leaves a mess for you to clean up when you get back, that’s obviously not acceptable.

My dad used to work away when I was little.

My mum said to me once that she always found it really hard when he came back because she was in a routine of doing everything, doing the housework, all the parenting etc and when he came back it was as if none of it counted for anything because he was home.

That wasn’t an attitude which came from him, but it was the general view. Suddenly she was expected to fit in with his being back when she’d done things her way for so long.

The OP’s DH has his own routine. He has an organised way of doing things, the housework, the dog, etc etc and now that the OP is back he’s expected to forget anything he usually does to be there because she is.

If a woman posted here that her husband expected her to be home for him when he’d been working away for weeks and they’d had an argument because she’d arranged to go out people would be asking if he was always that controlling and if so, it might be time to LTB.

If a man started telling me how I should react upon his return he could fuck right off. I would probably stay home because I wanted to, but the expectation would make me not want to.

I understand why you're disappointed, but you're letting that cloud your judgement. It's unfair to expect him to drop everything just because you're at home.

Yes, it would have been nice for him to have wanted to stay at home with you - I think that's the issue for you here, you want him to be as keen as you to spend time together and he's not acting that way. It's a bit selfish of you but understandable.

I totally get why you're feeling upset.

But he's been doing "the shit work" for three weeks out of four. Including all the cooking, housework and dog-walking that you're now moaning about doing.

I think when one partner works away they often expect a bit of a fuss when they get back home but in reality, day to day life goes on without them. And to be honest, if you're away half the month then DH is probably a bit lonely and his friendships are going to be even more important to him.

Ok, let's just get some things straight - the " freedom" of being away for a week ? I am on duty 24/7 as a one to one care for a service user with complex needs. Once at the placement I do not leave for 168 hours, strict routine, full on day & also night checks.
And of course I wasnt sure if I was being a drama queen or not, that's why asked.
As stated in my op DH goes out when I'm away, 3/4 evenings a week ( not in uk ).
DH doesn't work ( retired) and has hobbies during the day too, again I have no issues with this.
It was just because last night was the first night home.
We have talked this morning, I have apologised, he has admitted that if the shoe was on the other foot he wouldn't be happy.

It's not uncommon for couples with one working away to argue upon reuniting, its like releasing the pressure valve.
I've also heard from several such couples that the only way to survive the separations is for the home partner to carry on their routine regardless, not drop everything for the other. If you'd been away for 3 months then I'd expect a bit of a fuss, but 3 weeks, come on!

@Washingtofold I don't have any issue, I don't like hypocrisy and it's filled go the rafters with it in here, just like to give some of them a reality check, I have an opinion on most things I see on here, very rarely something will irk me enough to post, but when it does, it'll be because of hypocrisy.

TBH the pub part wouldn't bother me. However, I don't see why he couldn't have done the cooking and walked the dog before you got back. And kick off was only 8.15 🤷🏼‍♀️

What kind of answers do you think they would get?

I think they would be told that their wives aren't waiting with bated breath for their return, they have lives that they have to go on with too, do you do equal housework after leaving her to get in with it alone for weeks at a time, etc etc.

By the way, OP doesn't say she was away for three weeks straight. She was away for 21 out of 28 days. I think she saw her husband a week or two prior. I think it's too much to expect all plans dropped every time you get back home after a short absence, especially if this is your regular routine.

When dh worked he was away every 3- 4 months for a week , I would look forward to him coming home.
I lost my office based job due to Covid so had no option but to take this current job , I hate being away from home, that's part of what fueled la

Last nights reaction by me.

How often do you have to do the middle week as 21 days is so long compared to 7? Also if you had been gone for your usual 7 would you have minded?
I remember when my DH worked away quite a lot the first day he got back was often a bit funny for us.

@Mustbethemansfault wow you really do love to twist the narrative to suit your agenda dont you ?
I've already stated that I apologised, believe me if I wanted unthinking support for my point of view I would have spoken to my sisters, not posted on MN

@SwimBaby this is the first time.

Ok so it’s a big adjustment for you both.

I would be disappointed in your position op. It’s not about “dropping everything “ it’s about saying no to social engagements one day in a month. If it had been a significant birthday or other unique event then I’d be on his side but the pub will be there the next day.

I would be hurt.

Different but my bf lives a few hours away so when he comes over I do change my routine to be with him and vice versa. And I want to because I miss him and want to spend time with him. Of course it is different if you're always together. But after 3 weeks, it must have been hurtful for him to choose to spend the evening with friends instead of you. But then I am not a footie fan and I know people can get a bit obsessed about that.

I think you both had different expectations maybe? You saw this as the big coming home night - he saw it as you have a whole week off so no need to change his plans that evening. Neither of you are wrong just poor communication perhaps?