Sexual assault... I think

[skiesmylimit]

Good Evening
I need some help. Well, im not entirely sure what I need help with.

I have been seperating from my husband for one and a half years, he has been very persistent to not let me go. I have been too lenient. Our children like him here. So he's still spending the majority of his time here. I still cook, clean and do his washing. Like a relationship still. But without the emotional side as such. He still tells me he loves me ect. I haven't said it back for nearly two years.

Ive tried being with someone else, he made this very difficult. He met someone else, he says it was to make me jealous. He finished with her at the start of c19 as he moved back in with me for the first lockdown. He said he was leaving her because he loves me.

He is a good man. Good dad. Does anything for me. I really think I'm the horrible one. Hurting him. Leaving him. I am trying so hard not to hurt anyone. I have been suffering from severe depression, anxiety and suicidal idealisations the past few months.

For the past couple of weeks, we have been talking about potentially getting back together. I have told him that I am uncertain. I have told him I need time. I seperated from him mentally and emotionally. He has been persistent for hugs ect.. I told him i needed time and space. and I am not ready to get intimate in any way with him. I thought he respected that.

Over the past year, he has done stuff. Which is really getting to me. But I class them as so small, and perhaps I deserve them for letting him in.
4 incidents now, plus the random touching of my bum.

1- he was drunk and followed me up the stairs with a nightie on. He pulled my nightie up and shoved his face into me.

2- I had taken a sleeping tablet, he knew I was knocked out and very difficult to wake.. He told me the day after that he licked me down below as I was sleeping. He has since backtracked and said he didnt, he just wanted to see if it would make me horny.

3- this is my fault. We'd watched tv in bed. I was trying to fall asleep and he started touching me down below. I froze and continued to pretend to be asleep.

4 - this morning. He started touching my bum after he said he wanted to masturbate. I asked him to stop. He continued. I asked again. He continued so I just laid there. He then started sucking my boob/nipple and feeling my body. He then got my hand and tried to put it on his.... I pulled it away and said that id asked him to stop multiple times. This time, he stopped. Then he got up and went to work.

I have had multiple sorrys from him.

Sorry its so long.
I dont exactly know what I am searching for.

I don't have any great advice but didn't want to read and run.

None of this is your fault.
Someone behaving inappropriately towards you after you have asked them to stop is not OK. You need to tell him to leave. Call the police if he refuses.
Until that time do not spend anytime with him in the same room, keep him out of your bed. Is there somewhere safe you can stay?

What on earth is he doing in your bed? You are separated!

Make him sleep on the sofa.

God. Get him out.

Hes started sleeping in my bed again the past week really. My fault. I'm trying to be nice. Bond. Especially if I do decide to give us another go.

I hate him sleeping on the sofa. It's not a bed. Must be so uncomfortable.

My bedroom was my safe place

He sounds vile- none of what you’ve described is your fault. Maybe try to focus on what made you want to leave him in the first place.

He's disgusting. Who cares if he's uncomfortable on the sofa? You're more than uncomfortable if he's in your bed, yet he doesn't care about that, does he?

Seek legal advice. Have yourself registered as separated and start divorce proceedings..

You sound like your struggling to maintain boundaries and he’s just doing whatever he wants. If you are separated then he doesn’t need to living with you and certainly not in your bed!
He has no respect for you and doing anything sexual without your consent is assault.

He is not respecting your boundaries and what he did is abusive and sexual assault.

Im sorry you have had to experience this. None of this is your fault.
He is in the wrong, you have made your feelings clear that the behaviour is unwanted. Freezing is a normal reaction, he thought you were asleep and touched you when he knew you were unable to consent again he is in the wrong - even if you were still in a loving relationship and had sex on a regular basis with consent it would not be OK for him to the presume he has consent for sexual activities when you are asleep regardless of the permission to sleep in the same bed.

Sorry becomes less believable when the behaviour keeps happening.
Police are an option especially if he will not leave (his other behaviour sounds controlling, not allowing you to move on) or if you are unsure you could seek advice from Rape Crisis or your local DV service.

This is assault no matter who he is.

Number 3 saying it was your fault cause you where up watching TV- dont victim blame yourself. Even fully nude in the bed he needs consent to touch you.

Kick him out and 110% go talk to your GP 💐💐

@skiesmylimit I do understand where you are coming from, I truly do. When me and my ExH split up, he would come and stay quite often to see the children, he would some nights get me very drunk and he would end up in my bed. I felt like shit afterwards.

Moving forward to a few years later, yes he can stay but either the sofa bed or go home.

They only do (did it) to undermind us, because we split with them and we did it on our terms and not theirs.

Be brave. Put your foot down. Otherwise he will always have control over you and your life.

He is absolutely not respecting you at all in any way. You are being treated as a thing rather than a person. Stop immediately with the washing, cooking and sharing a bed. Stop dragging it out by hiding behind what the kids want and what on earth are you doing considering trying again. Nothing will change, nothing.
If he ever tries to touch you shout, scream, run. But even if he doesn't ask him politely to leave as the relationship is over.

You're being nice.
To him.
Not yourself.

None of those incidents are your fault in any way though, but you're prioritising him not yourself.

You're trying to bond because it's easier to give in to him rather than fight him. That's a nice outcome for him (well, for the sort of man who doesn't care that the woman doesn't actually want him!).

Now let's think about you. You say you're trying not to hurt anyone, but you're hurting. An awful lot. You're being hurt. Tomorrow go and buy a lock for your bedroom door and install it. He can sleep on the sofa (or spare room, whatever) if he has to stay. You, love, are going to sleep peacefully in your own bed. Untouched. You need a good nights sleep. He has no right to your body and he has no right to steal any more of your life.

He has no right to touch you. Ever. You can tell him that in the day, if it's easier. Ideally you can tell him the next time he touches you you'll report him to the police for sexual assault, which you already could do if you wanted!

Buy that lock. If he gets annoyed, who cares, he's on the other side of a locked door!

Obvs don't do that if you think it will put you in physical danger, but from what you've said he's a sex pest but not aggressive.

Big hugs, he's really an asshole and you're doing nothing wrong.

He is showing total lack of respect for you, that is NOT love. Please don’t consider going back to him. Get rid and enjoy the dignity and freedom of being your own person

OP you seem very vulnerable right now and are probably very confused. It's very, very normal to 'freeze' as a response to sexual assault and unwanted touching like this. It's a reaction there to save you, it's a kind of survival mode that you automatically do, so please don't blame yourself for pretending to sleep.

Have you been to your GP regarding the depression and suicidal ideation? If not, then can you make an urgent appointment as thinking about suicide is urgent. You can find crisis numbers here: www.nhs.uk/mental-health/advice-for-life-situations-and-events/where-to-get-urgent-help-for-mental-health/

The situation with your husband sounds very confusing. Perhaps it's an idea that he moves out while you focus on you. Try to get your mental health in a better place. I would put everything on hold for now - the divorce/getting back to together - just tell him that you need some space to work out what you want and you can't do that with him there. That will at least give you some space OP.

Are you doing any therapy? You might find therapy useful to help you work through this. You can try BACP for a therapist.

OP you need to be firm here. I know it's hard but you need to tell your husband assertively that his behaviour is not ok. It was not done with your consent and that you do not consent to further sexual touching from him. Make it clear and then tell him to find somewhere else to live.

@maskface212 has said everything you need to listen to
NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT Reach out for help in RL
I really hope you find freedom

OP I am sorry you have experienced this, it is assault and he sounds like a creep. It’s not your fault.

Somehow you need to address why on Earth you haven’t separated if that is what you want to do. You are obviously dealing with quite a lot of issues, and this constant boundary pushing is of course making it worse.

Is there someone in your life who can help you get the resolve and take the practical steps to get him out of the house. That’s the first thing.

If not, can you post on here what steps you need to think happen, and people can help you make that happen.

I’d urge you to get on with this OP, there is a worrying lack of boundaries in your post. The longer this goes there is a risk your sense of self will get less and less clear. If not for yourself, can you do it for your children - you say they like their father here, but that won’t be at the cost of their mother loosing all sense of herself.