Dads Wife Childhood Abuse - Do I Tell Him?

[purplelemon3]

This is going to be lengthy... but I will try to keep it as short as possible. Thank you in advance for reading.

My Dad's wife physically and emotionally abused me when I was a young child (age 5) for 2-3 years. It ended because I plucked up the courage to tell someone, which resulted in a family confrontation. In short: my Dad didn't believe me and told me I was lying.

20 years later, and that is still the case. As a child, I didn't want him to be angry or to lose a relationship with him, so, after a few years of us meeting up outside of the house - away from her - he persuaded me to visit the house again and spend time with her. I grew taller and bigger than her by then, and she has been nice as pie since. So, for the past decade or so, I've visited their house and pretended it's all fine.

It has never been mentioned or discussed. I play happy families to keep Dad happy. I hate confrontation and didn't want to upset anyone, so I'd try and be 'normal', even buying her birthday presents, only really to make Dad happy (it's awful to say that... but it is the truth).

I'm engaged to be married next year. With this comes my worst fear, merging my 'real life', and my pretend happy-families life as she has invited herself to the wedding. I don't have the courage to say no, as I want to avoid opening that can of worms, but as a result, I'm carrying the weight of that stress, knowing she will be in a room with my family, witnessing the biggest day of my life - it feels too much. The pain of my past, moving into my new future. (Eek... cheesy?)

Ever since my engagement in August last year, all I can think about is this. Past emotions have resurfaced with a vengeance. I have those childhood years on repeat in my head. Her telling me Dad doesn't love me, again and again, her smothering me in the night, the list goes on - (consciously skipping over the details).

I'm actively working on my mental health, and have seen therapists for my low self-esteem etc. I want to sort this, once and for all, as I know it's affecting my life A LOT. The only reason I put it to one side and pretended nothing happened, was for my Dad, to protect him and see him - however we don't really have a close relationship now, and putting him first, is harming me. I just want to avoid him, when he messages me, I feel sick because it reminds me I need to sort this out.

So... I have asked my Dad round to talk. Sideline issue: I never see my Dad without her there. Every plan, he invites her, when we speak on the phone, she's in the background - it's all getting too much for me.

Part of me feels I need to simply ask for 1:1 time with him, without her there, and hope that if I get that, I might feel better about the past ... (naive?) - or, a big bubbling part of me feels I need to be honest about the past. For my own sake, I need him to hear me say I wasn't lying, and it's killing me, pretending that I don't hurt over those years, still. That I don't want a relationship with her. However - I know this risks losing him. To make matters worse, she's recovering from cancer. There really is no ideal time to confront this issue, but now feels especially awful.

I'm so stuck. Any advice would really, really help, as I have no idea who I can talk to about this... and I need to figure out what to say.

Oh gosh, I don't feel that I can advise. My instinct is that you might benefit from professional support with this - it could so easily go terribly wrong and you'll end up even more hurt and vulnerable.

I really feel for you. In fact, I empathise. And be kept my own situation buried because I am too cowardly to confront. But I've made peace with that, so it doesn't blight me like your own situation does.

The only practical suggestion I can make is that it's probably worth having someone with you when you have the meet up with Dad. Not to back you or him up, but to be someone who can help keep the conversation calm and enable everyone to be heard.

Take care, good luck.

I'm so sorry, this sounds an absolutely horrific burden you have been carrying for years. I agree with the poster above, I would seek professional help and counselling first rather than confronting your Dad head on.

I wish you all the best for the future.

Oh I felt so teary reading your message - how awful to be carrying this around for so long.

I’d say that a parents first responsibility should be to their child - so if your dad chooses not to listen, not to question his wife or accept that wrongdoing has happened then some space between you is needed.

It’s not on the same scale, not even slightly but years ago I was trying to articulate something to my mum and every time I brought it up she cried and I dropped the convo as I couldn’t bare upsetting her. Anyway, eventually I wrote her a letter as I think the tears were a way of manipulating me to drop the subject.

We haven’t had a long talk on the content of the letter but I know she read it and I got to have my say without any interruption. It felt good to put my full point across. Maybe that will help if you don’t like confrontation ?? Xxx

I think telling your father how you feel is a great idea, but what matters is your mindset going in to it and a full acceptance of the possible consequences, the biggest one is that you never speak to your father again. If you can handle that, go for it.

First of all, I wouldn't anticipate or even want much conversation, you have a proclamation to make, and you need him to hear it. You need to expect that he will say you're lying or exaggerating, and that's ok, you know you're not. Your father might even believe you deep down but will refuse to admit it. Whatever the case, it really doesn't matter at this point. You know the truth and you need to speak it.

I think it's great that you've had therapy, but I don't think all the therapy in the world can give you what you really need. You need this woman out of your life. Permanently. She's like a cancerous tumour that's keeping you unwell. She has no place in your life, and I think the sooner you extricate her, the better. All of the pretending you do must be exhausting, it's no wonder you're at the end of your tether.

I'm so sorry op. No advice but also think that you would benefit from speaking to a professional to be able to guide you. Sending you lots of love xxx

I would seek therapy to realise why you want a relationship with him..
My df let his dw treat me badly - started by refusing to have at their wedding when I was 7... Not to the degree you describe op. I excused and ignored it as a teen. Even have him chance to be a dgf to my dc. Until he started letting them down also. I realised he supported her shocking treatment of me in their home (which used to be my home as a very small dc).. And I walked away. I went nc over 20 years ago..

I would decide what you want from this and then accept you are most unlikely to get anything in the way of satisfaction if what you hope for is an improved relationship with your dad

You've been through terrible trauma and he has been complicit. At best he stood by. If you don't feel there's a real possibility for relationship with him unless that's acknowledged by him, I find it entirely reasonable. In fact, it's probably a healthy position and I'd wonder if your ongoing association with him in the absence of this is contributing to your present distress. But everyone is different and I realise you may have found a way to make peace with this (it doesn't sound like it though).

Before going into this, I would count the cost. Your dad, who sounds weak and callous, would need a personality transplant to condemn his wife now, especially when she's ill. If you make some acknowledgement of her guilt conditional on seeing you, I can't imagine it ending well. If by some miracle he accepted you were telling the truth since you're now and adult and sticking with your account, he could end up on his own. I think that would probably distress you too.

Regarding her being at your wedding, absolutely not after what she has done. No way. I don't think your dad will be there either though. But after what he's done, is that really a loss.

I don't know if you have children, but if you go on to have them, you will obviously not want them anywhere near her. So I would think some kind of break between you is on the horizon.

I know you don't want to lose your dad but as a stranger reading your post, I don't think you have ever had that anyway. And now you're being forced to sacrifice your peace of mind on your wedding day too. That is just not ok. You deserve better than this.

How anyone could treat a child like that is beyond comprehension.

I did invite my df and his dw to my (first) wedding... She never even looked my way and they disappeared after the ceremony...
He had absolutely no involvement whatsoever and just turned up as a generic guest.
And left in a puff of smoke almost. Nobody knew they had left. Not even me..
Downhill after that... Fast..

I dont know how anyone can think a child could lie about this ? Where would these ideas come from ?

How horrific. CBT or sensorimotor therapy 💗

@Louise1051 @Gazelda @namechangingforthis19586 @Aquamarine1029 @Sakurami @Vinnievangogh @Aprilwasverywet - I can't thank you enough for taking the time, and for your considerate advice.

@namechangingforthis19586 - I wish I could truly express how transformative your message was for my mindset. This was exactly what I was looking for, to put everything into perspective and reach the answer I already knew - but was afraid to admit. Thank you.

@Aquamarine1029 - similarly to my message above, your message really helped me to realise that I need to brace for impact - and if I am willing and able to do that, the words will come. Thank you.

@Louise1051 - I read your message and immediately grabbed a pen and paper. It poured out. I'm not sure if any are the 'final' draft, but I'm one step closer to knowing what I need to say. Thank you for sharing this idea with me.

What a kind community you all are. Therapy unfortunately isn't an option for me financially right now - the wait times for free options are 4-6 months, and I've reached a point where I need action. This thread has really helped me to find the answers myself, whilst also being cautious of all angles.

I’ve been through something similar but it was my mum’s DP who treated me badly. I am now LC with my mum and NC with her DP. I ended up blowing up over it all and having a kind of breakdown of sorts after decades worth of shitty treatment from him, finally triggered by him putting his hand on my bare thigh when in the car.

I think you are doing the right thing by talking to him before you get to an extreme point. I think the anxiety you have around the wedding is your body warning you that the situation is becoming overwhelming.

The only thing I’d say is that be very aware that your father will likely take his partners side/pick her over you and that will trigger your inner child’s abandonment wound - it’s very painful but if you know it’s coming and expect it then you can get through.
My mum’s behaviour was horrendous when I first had the breakdown and she cycled through all the defence mechanisms... projection, denial, attack. It was terribly painful, i felt like I’d been kicked around the room emotionally and abandoned by her.

It is slightly better now in that she acknowledges the wrong he did to me but she isn’t interested in leaving him so we have an awkward relationship and I no longer visit their home (my childhood home).

I can recommend the book ‘How to do the work’ by Dr Nicole Lepera, it’s quite new but it has really helped me.

I would have a calm conversation with him. 'Dad, I wasn't lying when i told you all those years ago how awful she was to me. Going forward, I cannot have her at my wedding. You are still invited. If you choose not to come, then that is your choice.' And then let it go. x

Siding with the abuser is sadly not that uncommon a scenario within families. Your dad cannot and equally does not want to face the truth here.

NAPAC could be helpful to you here as could the BACP website re therapy. You would not need to wait 3-6 months either to contact these organisations.

My df didn't provide financially for me as a dc. When he remarried she quit her job. Df provided for them both. He was made redundant and had set up a small self employed business.. They won big money..
An awkward phone call saw df tell me the ticket had been in his dw's name so he was sorry he couldn't buy /give me anything..
It wasn't about the money but he showed what sort of man (mat) he was... I had previously thought dm had stood in the way of us having a decent relationship when he was a bloody sorry excuse for a man..

Hi all! I just wanted to say thank you so much for your help. I always like to know what happened with forums like this, if there are any updates, and so I wanted to share mine.

I told my Dad, calmly and honestly, set my boundaries and explained I do not want her in my life. His reaction was a mixed bag, and so I calmly explained I would like space and distance from him to heal and seek professional support, and he said OK. No contact since and I feel generally MUCH better and stronger.

"How To Do The Work" was a wonderful recommendation, thank you.

It was the hardest thing I've done and it will be a long journey to peace, but it's a first step and you all helped lots.

Thank you

Good for you op. Best of luck for the future

Well done-I think you’re very brave. I hope you find peace.

You are really brave, the pain of those years was palpable through the screen

Well done you. Good luck in your new life going forward

Well done OP, your Father let you down completely and you had every right to tell him so.
Glad that you feel better for telling him, I hope it helps you heal and wish you all the best for the wedding and a more positive future x

What an excuse for a man and father.

He appears to be one of those people who's so co/dependent on a partner that they're in denial about them, and denies their abuse of their children/puts them.befire their children.

Ive heard of it a lot more with women .. and while it's no excuse whatsoever, thought it was obvious that some part of it was financial dependence (pre benefits system and full working rights for women); men don't even have that excuse, though I suppose they'd lose their free childcare (care being the most ironic word).

I feel really sad for you OP. I currently don't have my dad in my life because of his wife and what she did to me as a teenager.

I also don't think I'll ever get truely over it, I've had a lot of counselling to 'heal my inner child'. What I've found helpful with my last lot of counselling is unpicking the stories we tell ourselves. My story was that my dad was the best dad in the world before he met his wife and left me. Actually he wasn't and unpicking that and grieving my childhood loss of having an absent and emotionally detached dad before he got remarried has helped me move on to some degree.

He doesn't have the right to a relationship with you, let alone inclusion at hugely significant events like your wedding.

Incidentally his wife should be prosecuted; smothering you sounds extremely dangerous (as well.as obviously extremely abusive & frightening) ... To call.a spade a spade, she's a criminal. It may be hard to get a successful prosecution but it would still be worth, on principle, reporting her.

She may have access to other children. (Though obviously she wouldn't have the level.of psychotic jealousy for them that she must have had towards you, but it still takes an abusive, bullying, power sick, opportunistic, sadistic sort of character to do stuff like that, and that's still in her, and makes her potentially dangerous).

Another advantage of you doing what you've done (very brave when it's "easier" to go along with the denial & pretence) is that you're protecting your future kids, should you have them ... Because they shouldn't be left around your dad's wife, and I have no doubt that even if she didn't do anything physical to them, her attitude and what she says could have a negative impact on them. Your father sounds "unable" to go anywhere or function without her and you'd be railroader i to having her around your kids in order to let him see them; that would make for a very tense, stressful situation, on an ongoing basis.

I went through something similar but I told my mum.

Like you, I was disbelieved because doing anything about it would have been too much personal sacrifice for her.

They all came to my wedding but when I had kids I reached my limit of playing along and had it out with her.

I’ve been NC since.

You’ll reach your point where it gets too much. For me, it was the realisation that I couldn’t trust her to keep my children safe but the biggest was that her priority had been to keep a regular mid-week baby sitter so she could go out (I was at my dad’s Friday- Sunday) over keeping her child safe. She just didn’t love me like I love my children. That realisation made it really clear what I had to do.

Maybe you’re at the point where you’re ready to lose having them in your life in order to feel you’re not living under their oppression of lies.