Got 2 irons in the fire....how to finish with one?

[chicfrick]

I've been dating two guys (no lockdown where I am) and now it's more serious with one of them.
How to I tell the other I'm not longer interested in dating them?
I really like them, don't want to ghost them or do anything shitty.
I'm not sure what to message them, I know it sounds silly, but I've never had to finish with someone before.
We are only casually dating, but I know he isn't dating anyone else (he is not aware that I am as we've never discussed it)

Because I am a chicken about hurting people I would say I had reconnected with someone, feelings resurfaced that kind of thing, to avoid saying that they are a new person and you just preferred them.

That way he could imagine that you have more history or something that makes it real for you already rather than they were equal contestants and he was the less good option. I know lying is not a good option and you want a way to make the truth sting less but honestly if someone said to me they were multi dating and just preferred the other woman or over explained why the other woman was better suited that would wreck my confidence a bit, if they said it was someone with an already deeper connection I would feel less rejected.
I'm probably in the wrong but......

It's never an easy conversation, but you just have to be honest. they might react well, which makes it easier, or they might be a dick, which will at least assure you that you made the right decision...

I can’t stand meteing out rejection either, so listening with keen interest.

Be kind and be honest. You have really enjoyed getting to know them, but you don't feel the relationship can progress any further. Wish him well and there's no need to mention the other man you're dating.

@Aquamarine1029

Be kind and be honest. You have really enjoyed getting to know them, but you don't feel the relationship can progress any further. Wish him well and there's no need to mention the other man you're dating.

This. Assuming you haven't been sleeping with him he'll move on quickly enough.

What Aquamarine said, let him know you don't want to progress things with him but don't hurt his feelings by telling him there is another. It's casual so he can't expect you to have committed to him.

I think it's a bit off to dump via text. Ring him and let him down gently: say what you've said here except the bit about him being one of your irons in the fire that you like him, think he's a great person but you don't want to continue the relationship.

(Basically a reworded version of what everyone says when they dump someone kindly; "it's not you, it's me").

Another vote for not mentioning that you prefer another guy. Don't text, you've been dating a little while. I would ring, or go round if he's nearby (prob fire a warning shot beforehand to say 'we need to talk' so he doesn't think it's a date). Just say it's been lovely but you don't see a future together.

Letting him know about the other guy has the potential to be much more painful and to be honest isn't really his business as you've only been dating casually.

Thanks everyone.
I've sent a text asking to talk....
I'm so nervous because I feel such a cow, I think he has massively projected how he feels our relationship is, but that's just his style I think, he would love to settle down and I think he decided I was the person to do it with.

I have children too and I am very cautious about having a relationship which infringes on my family life, the second guy wants children and I probably don't, although I wouldn't rule it out, it would be several years after knowing each other and by then we would be too old and my children teenagers, so shit for them and therefore not likely to happen.

He's being a bit intense isn't he, to talk about settling down and having children? Was he aware you were just casually dating and weren't exclusive? (Or whatever the term is nowadays).

I don't know, perhaps you misled him here or he's got completely the wrong idea about your feelings.

Your reasons are all valid; you don't want a serious relationship with him and don't want children. I hope it goes well. It's probably best to approach this like ripping a plaster off; do it as soon as possible, and keep it brief and to the point. No point dragging it out or thrashing over things.

If your are doing it in person and think he'll take it badly, meet in a public area (coffee shop or something?) rather than at your homes, so that he can't be anti social, accuse you of things and if it gets heated, you can exit.

Be honest with the guy you want to end it with and as someone else advised, meet in a public place to do this. As for the second guy you need to be honest about not wanting anymore children. If he really wants children, I think it a bit unfair that you don't tell him about how you really feel, as you will rob him of the chance to find a relationship where he may be able to have the family he would like. I really do not understand why couples do not discuss having children before committing to each other. I have watched many relationships end over the issue of having/not having children. I cannot tell from your post how you really feel about either of these men. Ive got to be honest and say if you were seeing both at the same time, do you really have feelings for either of them? How would you feel if either of these men were seeing someone else, while dating you? Or perhaps you had agreed thats how things were. I know this post sounds judgemental, I don't intend it to be. I want you to think about what you really want from a relationship, especially since you have children already and what affects you affects them. Good luck with it all.

Chicfrick,
Your doing the right thing with this man. You already have children and a family life. You know he is keen on having a child but you have to consider the children you already have. You not saying no to another child but you like to wait a while. You know it would be harder in a few years to have a child because you would be older and your kids would be teenagers.
I know a woman who had kids and she got involved with a man who it turned out wanted a family. She ended the relationship because she did not want more kids.
I would meet him in a public place to prevent him being anti social ect.