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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Arranged marriage divorce

34 replies

Confusedcookie · 19/05/2021 14:29

I will try to keep this short but thanks in advance for any advice i will think about it all.
A few years ago i got into a relationship with someone who had an arranged marriage when they were much younger, now they had long seperated but never divorced as the other side refused too. My partner was honest with me from the start in telling me the history but i maybe stupidly believed like a uk divorce it could be made to happen quickly. Now a few years have passed and there is no progress, researchimg online it looks as though this is the cultural norm and divorces can take 5-10 years, sometimes more, with many people trying to move on but ending up in situations like this. So initially i didnt mind being kept as a sort of secret because i didnt think it would be for much longer, but now it is taking its toll. I just want a normal and happy life with the person i love and who loves me, but i cant have that. We cant live together, try not to be seen together, cant start a family and it seems like it is never ending. I would feel so cruel to leave, and i would also be risking never finding this love or happiness again, but equally i feel so sad and stuck knowing things might never get better. What would you do in my situation? I cant really talk to people about this in real life, so thank you for any support.

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 19/05/2021 14:36

What would I do? I would have left long ago. The fuck would I be someones dirty secret.

Hoppinggreen · 19/05/2021 14:39

You are his bit on the side
He may not even be legally married so he doesn’t need to divorce bit his community’s disapproval is more important than you are to him unfortunately
And why are you cruel to leave? Presumably you aren’t the one who is married.

anon5678 · 19/05/2021 14:40

I would be putting my own life first at this point as I would be worried about 5 more years passing by with me as a dirty little secret. You might be surprised how quick the divorce goes through when they see you leaving. If not, then you made the right decision

Aquamarine1029 · 19/05/2021 14:40

Stop wasting your life and time on this dead end relationship. Leaving something that is clearly not working and never will is not cruel. Get the hell out of there.

Purplewithred · 19/05/2021 14:41

I can understand how you ended up just carrying on, but it sounds as though you have reached the end of the line.

I would say you have a better chance of finding love and happiness again than you have of the current situation changing and you being accepted as his life partner.

BookiesBicycle · 19/05/2021 14:43

I’m sure you never had any ambitions to be anyone’s dirty little secret.
Treat yourself with respect, because they certainly aren’t treating you with any.

PaperbackRider · 19/05/2021 14:43

If hes in the UK he can get divorced the same way anyone else can, it makes no difference if it was an arranged marriage or what culture they are from.
Whether he is choosing to or not is a seperate matter. He could be divorced already if he had chosen to.

Mermaidwaves · 19/05/2021 14:49

Are you sure he's really separated? He may live apart from her but she may still live with his parents and still be acknowledged publically his wife, hence why you are kept secret and won't he start a family/marriage with you.
I think you have to accept there is little future in this, even if he is separated do you want to be a secret forever? His family and culture may never accept you which is stressful and heartbreaking, you could be wasting so much time here.

motogogo · 19/05/2021 14:51

If he's in England he can file for divorce online as long as he's been separated 5 years, even if the other party doesn't agree (2 years with consent) arranged marriages are no different to any other marriage in divorce law. If he's telling you otherwise be suspicious

MooseBeTimeForSummer · 19/05/2021 14:54

What motogogo said. Petition on 5 years separation. All he has to do is satisfy the Court that she was served with the papers. She doesn’t have to agree.

User657849 · 19/05/2021 14:54

I don’t understand the situation.

Doe she still live in the same house as his wife?

If not, can’t you move to another city where people don’t know you and live a ‘normal’ life there?

Justmuddlingalong · 19/05/2021 14:58

You're giving up precious years of your life to someone you can't have a real relationship with. You've wasted too much time already, please don't waste a minute more.

Gazelda · 19/05/2021 15:05

How long have they been separated?

Are you both of the same culture/background?

If he won't be seen with you until the divorce, presumably this is to satisfy members of family/community who have strong feelings about this. How do you know he will feel that he can be seen with you post divorce?

C00lChat405 · 19/05/2021 15:07

Walk away

Aquamarine1029 · 19/05/2021 15:08

The relationship you have with this person is all a lie. There is no happiness to be had here, and if they really loved you and wanted to be with you, they would be doing everything possible to make that happen. You would not be a dirty little secret.

Stop wasting your life and fertility.

Umberellatheweatha · 19/05/2021 15:09

If they were actively pursuing a divorce then there would be no reason to keep you a secret.

Yes divorces take time but clearly the real problem in your relationship is that your 'partner' is choosing to pretend to be something they are not to everyone. At your expense.

They are fundamentally either cowardly or dishonest. Or both. The marriage is just a red herring.

MindtheBelleek · 19/05/2021 15:14

@motogogo

If he's in England he can file for divorce online as long as he's been separated 5 years, even if the other party doesn't agree (2 years with consent) arranged marriages are no different to any other marriage in divorce law. If he's telling you otherwise be suspicious
This. Though perhaps the issue is as the OP says she hoped it could be resolved quickly 'like a UK divorce' as though it isn't the case that he was married in, say, India or Pakistan or something with potentially different divorce laws?
MindtheBelleek · 19/05/2021 15:15

And OP, I would leave immediately in your shoes. You've wasted enough time as a dirty little secret.

Mumsnut · 19/05/2021 15:15

A friend of mine had an arranged marriage; two kids. He left when the second was a baby (turned out he was having an affair). They remain married - my friend did try to initiate a divorce but gave up because the community disapproval was so strong. They do not live together , but at weddings, funerals, etc, they appear as a family. The kids have practically left home by now.

She lives in limbo, really. In the meantime, she and we are pretty sure he has a long-term relationship and there are rumours of a child, but no doubt he tells his other woman that he cannot abandon his family, that he would lose standing in the community, that it would kill his parents if he divorced - etc etc

So: one man living his best life, two
Women living a half life to suit him

Nopenopenopenooooo · 19/05/2021 15:22

I’m sorry but I don’t think he’s getting a divorce. I’ve known a few men from a similar background to mine who have ended up in arranged marriages quite young but carry on like they aren’t married. This is not unusual (sadly for all the women involved).

You are wasting your life on this. Don’t do it you will drive yourself crazy waiting for something that isn’t going to happen.

Original poster
Confusedcookie · 19/05/2021 15:25

Thank you for your advice everyone.
I have a lot of thinking to do

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 19/05/2021 15:27

I have a lot of thinking to do

You do? That's kind of alarming, honestly. Confused

Start putting yourself first for a change.

Original poster
Confusedcookie · 19/05/2021 15:35

@Aquamarine1029

I have a lot of thinking to do

You do? That's kind of alarming, honestly. Confused

Start putting yourself first for a change.

Yes I do. It's easy to see clearly when you are looking into someone else's life but it's a lot harder when it's your own emotions involved. Even though I feel deep down things won't work out well it will still be hard to walk away from someone I love and who I think loves me. The uk has much more relaxed views on divorce both officially and peoples own judgements, if it was the uk it wouldn't even be a problem that makes it even more difficult to move on when I know it is being made much more difficult than it needs to be.
OP posts:
C00lChat405 · 19/05/2021 15:35

Live together
Be seen together
Start a family
YES you can do all these things, but with someone else !

BookiesBicycle · 19/05/2021 15:36

@Aquamarine1029

I have a lot of thinking to do

You do? That's kind of alarming, honestly. Confused

Start putting yourself first for a change.

Seems like it should be a no brainer.