Gaslighting?

[Tatteredlace]

So a little bit of background...

I found out that my DH was smoking weed last year behind my back. He wasn't working due to Covid, I'm a keyworker but also own my own business and was working nearly 18 hours a day to make ends meet to pay the rent... I had suspicions that he was smoking it, I would smell it on his clothes or in his car, he kept telling me I was being paranoid and going crazy. One night I searched through his phone when we was asleep, not something I have ever done in our 10+ years of marriage but I wanted some reassurance. I found messages to his dealer and immediately woke him up to confront him. Turns out if was going on for months... I worked all that time, terrified of covid and completely exhausted to try to feed our children and pay the bills and he had been spending it on drugs. I lost all trust and respect for him.

Fast forward 10 months and it's the same situation, I smell it on him, in his car etc. He works away and I'm off work with an injury. Money is tight. We have moved and the rent is more expensive. I tell him that I feel like I'm losing my mind, I am paranoid and find it difficult to believe him when he tells me it's all in my head. He works away and already spends too much on beer every night when he does. I'm concerned.... push comes to shove. He finally admits that he is smoking again, but I should just accept it and stop being stuck up... he thinks it's 'socially acceptable' these days.

We have 2 small children. I feel like my world has imploded.

Should I just accept that he wants to smoke weed and get over it? Am I being over the top, has he spent 10 months gaslighting me?

WTF do I do now?

My ex used to pull this all the time, it literally makes you feel like you're going mad. If you think you can smell it and he is using it BELIEVE YOURSELF. You are much more trustworthy than he has proven to be. Regarding it being socially acceptable, don't get sucked into this excuse. Is it acceptable to you, and to your children? If not then he stops it or you leave. Even if it were socially acceptable, he is spending precious household money on a luxury which he's also trying to hide from you, and that is unacceptable also.

@InpatientGardener

My ex used to pull this all the time, it literally makes you feel like you're going mad. If you think you can smell it and he is using it BELIEVE YOURSELF. You are much more trustworthy than he has proven to be. Regarding it being socially acceptable, don't get sucked into this excuse. Is it acceptable to you, and to your children? If not then he stops it or you leave. Even if it were socially acceptable, he is spending precious household money on a luxury which he's also trying to hide from you, and that is unacceptable also.

This. 100%. I know some people don't have an issue with weed smoking, and think it's perfectly fine if in your own home. I'm 100% anti weed. I think it's stinks, it's antisocial, and it does cause MH issues. That aside, your DH is lying to you - again. He is addicted OP. He won't give up unless he really wants to. You need to decide if you want to carry on breaking yourself for your family, or if you deserve so much better than this and leave him.

He might think it’s socially acceptable but it’s not acceptable to you or to your lives together as a family

Well, you need to decide whether this is a dealbreaker for you -

• he clearly has no intention of stopping using, so you either tolerate it or split.

Actually there's another thing you have to decide whether it's a dealbreaker as well -

• whether you can live with someone you cannot trust and would rather you drive yourself crazy than be honest with you.

Also telling you its socially acceptable is him neatly shifting the blame onto you for his behaviour. Its not his fault for smoking it, its yours for not liking it. That way he won't have to give it up, or be called into question about it.

I'd add that you have a duty to guard your children. To that end see if you can get any evidence of his usage too. When you split, you don't want a drug user looking after your children.

(NB I have no issues with low level casual use by adults without responsibilities to children. The same as I don't condone getting drunk in front of children)

It's not socially acceptable at all.

If it was, people would be walking down the high street smoking weed, and they don't, do they

He's an irresponsible man child who is treating you like his mother ffs !

Tell him :

1. You are NOT his mother.
2. You are NOT solely responsible for being a parent.
3. You are NOT solely responsible for earning enough money to pay the bills.
4. You are NOT solely responsible for making sure money is not wasted on beer and weed.
5. He has 2 choices....Grow the fuck UP, or pack his bags and Fuck Off !

But I'm afraid that you will always feel like you have to 'police' his drug and spending habits (NOT a very attractive prospect !) and he will always feel he needs to 'hide' what he does (as he would have to hide it from a parent ! Again, NOT an attractive prospect !)

So, I'd recommend that you consider whether or not you can continue to live with a 'man' who will always behave like a child................

I'd go as far as to say it's probably a lot more socially acceptable than a lot of things, legal and illegal, but not everything that's socially acceptable is fair game just because other people don't have an issue with it.

I wouldn't describe it as gaslighting as much as I would hiding a habit/addiction/whatever it may be, It doesn't sound necessarily abusive, more ignorant than abusive.

Relationships are a 2 way street and if you have an issue with it then he should stop, I don't know why compromise isn't as prominent as I thought, there's a lot more relationships that go down the shitter because one half wouldn't respect boundaries.

OK, so we talked it out...

Long story short, I gave him the choice. He can continue to smoke if he wants to but I cannot be with him if he does.

I decided to quit my job because I thought being at home would create more harmony, less stress and I could spend more time with our children. So yesterday it was all OK, he chose to stop smoking and we agreed to start afresh and slowly work on everything.

Today he changed his mind. He chose weed, because he doesn't think it should be 'my way or the highway'. He then took our children to one side (without telling me) and told them that we are getting a divorce.

So yeah, my life imploded again.

Am I suppose to just accept the weed thing and things go back to normal? I don't know what to do. I don't want my marriage to end. I don't want my babies hearts broken. I have my business, but it won't pay my rent without my other job... I can't cope with this 😭

I was brought up by my Nan and she died 8 years ago, so it's just me. I've got no one to ask for help.

Really sorry to hear that- as far as it being 'your way or the highway' that sounds to me like he wants to keep smoking but wants to blame you for the relationship ending. He is a coward, and I suspect he's played this move expecting you to back down so things can be entirely his way. Could you maybe agree to staying together then use the time to get things sorted so you can work towards leaving at a later date?