Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fever pits

7 replies

Draincover · 18/05/2021 23:32

Let me just starting this by saying I love my partner. And we've been through some tough times. But he can be controlling. Today he told me what I should wear this morning. And wouldn't let me choose my own clothes. He can be controlling. And has been in the past, but not so much recently. He muttered something about the washing cycle. I'm fed up with this. I wanted to scream. He tries to control everything. And is having a manic episode, brought on by work stress, remote work, and the ongoing cabin fever of the pandemic. He's good company, but I probably like many at this point, just want out, and want change. He won't let me see other people for fear of bringing the virus back into the house. Everything I do is picked to pieces. I work as an artist, and income is sporadic. I am mostly broke. And this means I can't escape. Or plan my way out of here, even if I wanted to. He'd micro-manage me, given the opportunity. I want to see other people, I want to laugh and cry, and hug others. I want some of my old life back. Sure, we are all fed up. It just feels like each day is wading through treacle. I cant think straight. My creative energies are zapped. I'm bored if keeping house. Bored of making him dinner, washing and ironing his clothes. Of watching him playing computer games and him choosing what he wants on the TV every single night.

And yet, we keep on going. Because like many, we can't afford to live apart. He's not a total pig. He has many amazing qualities, and does help in many ways. I'm just fatigued of the humdrum.

Sure, many of you will just shrug your shoulders and say suck it up. You are lucky, you have your health, you have a roof over your head Etc.

How are people coping in these crazy times? How are people rebuilding friendships that have been put on ice for so long?

OP posts:
category12 · 18/05/2021 23:37

Do you have children?

Otherwise, get a day job and find a house-share until you get on your feet, and get out from this relationship.

This isn't what love looks like.

category12 · 19/05/2021 00:17

Sorry to be a bit brusque there, but you do have choices here.

If your work doesn't earn you a living at the moment, then you need to be pragmatic and get another income stream going alongside, rather than resigning yourself to living with a controlling man.

You could speak to Women's Aid and try to get some support with your exit plan.

Life is too short to live like this.

Draincover · 19/05/2021 00:41

@category12 I think certain situations can bring out the worst in us. And my partner has been through a tough time. And has lots going on. And have lots of worries.

When life is intense or difficult, he tends to want to control. I think he really does worry about ill health. He shields himself to extremes. And in many ways they are right to. There is a lot of absolute thinking. And the idea of bumping into a stranger. Or me being close to someone else is just as damning for him.

Control is usually vented through work. It just can edge in closer to home sometimes. And I've never really been able to deal with it. The happier he is, the talons loosen. It's like the world is spiralling out of his grasp, so he has to hold on and control those things close to him. However pedestrian those things are. It can be something as simple as a shopping list. I can forgive some bad behaviours. I have many of my own foibles. It's just the intensity after a year has gotten very hard. And we both have become insular.

It's a catch 22. When we feel happier, we like to meet and engage with others. It's hard to break through the despond.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 19/05/2021 07:17

A house share or being a lodger works out cheaper than renting alone. Don't stay with a man who tells you what to wear.

Shutthelightoff · 19/05/2021 07:25

The man sounds like a total dick, stop making excuses for him and LTB.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 19/05/2021 07:32

Why can't you leave?

FinallyHere · 19/05/2021 07:39

Your expectation that anyone would read what you have written and " just shrug my shoulders and say suck it up " makes me feel really, really sad. Whatever is holding you to this man, I sincerely hope you can break these bonds quickly and get out.

That is no way to live.

Why should you keep house for him while he shows no appreciation and indeed takes his stress out on you. The measure of a decent partner is that they recognise when they are stressed and do not use you as a punchbag to get rid of their stress

It's heartbreaking to read that you have come to expect this as normal and even think you love the person who is being so awful to you.

How old are you? Do you have children with this horrible person?

Whatever your art is, if it is really keeping you in this relationship that it's not a true friend to you. To it on hold for a short period till you get free and can make it mean something good in the world.

Please start planning your escape now. It may take a while, hang in there. The fist major step to to accept that this way of life is in no way normal and start making your plans to get free. Good luck.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page